Kabanata 35 : Clouds
A week had passed and we were busy in our own work field. We still text each other if we have time and he would always call me at night before we sleep.
I had a scheduled operation today so I was early in the hospital. I was wearing my scrubs and then I wore a surgical gown before I entered the operation room. The anesthesiologist is already there. I looked at the clock and I announced that we'll be starting the operation. I already told the family of the patient that this operation might not be successful but they manage to push through and it also means that they trust me. So I shouldn't fail this operation.
Halos apat na oras na akong nakatayo at naka-focus lamang sa ginagawa when suddenly the vitals were dropping. Blood flew through my face, I haven't hit any nerves but...
"Charge to 200 joules," I said. Beads of sweat forming on my forehead.
"Doc, pulse rate is dropping," my nurse said. They are now controlling the bleeding and preparing a bag of blood when the patient's heart rate turned into a flat line.
"Clear," I said and repeated the procedures.
With a heavy heart, "Time of Death, 4:43 pm," I declared and we all bowed down.
This was my first unsuccessful operation. My chest was heaving, I don't know what to say to the patient's family.
"Family of the patient," I said and they stood up in unison. "I'm sorry we did our best." I said and also broke down when the sister of the patient suddenly collapsed. The nurses went and checked her and brought her to the emergency room.
It was a risky operation and this was the second operation of the patient. I excused myself while containing my tears. I then removed my surgical gown and went to the restroom. May bahid pa rin ng dugo sa mukha ko. I shut my eyes tightly. Naghilamos ako pero nanghihina pa rin ako.
Naglalakad ako at dinala ako ng paa ko sa garden. Huminga ako ng malalim. It never feels good to lose someone, it will never be. Naupo ako sa bench at tinakpan ang mukha ko gamit ang aking palad.
I was like that for a couple of minutes when I felt someone sat beside me. I looked at who it was and saw Jac's face.
Is he really here? I extended my hand until it reached his face.
"How's the operation?" He asked. He's really here and I'm not imagining. Base sa ekspresyon ng aking mukha ay agad niyang nalaman kung ano ang kinalabasan ng operasyon.
"I know you did your best," He whispered and draped his arms over my shoulder. Isinandal ko ang ulo ko sa balikat niya. "You always give your best," He added.
"But I think it's not enough," A tear drop from my eye.
"Don't think that way okay? He knows he did your best and it's really his time to go."
His words somehow comforted me. Hindi ko alam kung makakaya ko pa bang mamatayan ng pasyente. It is an inevitable fate and an unbearable pain.
"Kain nalang tayo?" Sabi niya at inangat ang hawak niyang plastic at may dalawang solo tubs doon ng ice cream. "Baka matunaw pa ito," He said and opened the lid before handing it to me.
"Kanina ka pa ba dito?" I asked while trying to eat my ice cream.
"Hmm oo, pero kababalik ko lang kasi bumili ako ng ice cream," sagot niya.
"Eat your ice cream. Matutunaw na 'yan tapos tinutunaw mo pa ako sa paninitig mo." Mabilis akong umiwas nang tingin at lihim na napangiti.
"I wouldn't know how would I bear what just happened when you didn't arrived."
I held his hand. "Thank you,"
"No problem. I missed you kaya nandito ako," he said smiling. "I'll stay here in Manila for five days, may kailangan akong gawin sa Villamor Airbase." I nodded and ate my Ice cream.
Kung ano ano ang kinikwento niya para lang mapagaan ang loob ko. I really appreciate what's he's doing. He can really change my mood. His words is comforting and his voice is my comfort.
Hindi ko talaga maisip na ganito kalalim ang pagmamahal ko sa kaniya.
Hinatid ko siya sa lobby ng ospital dahil kailangan niya pang pumunta sa airbase at talagang dumaan lang siya dito.
"I'll see you tomorrow," He said and I gave him a light nod.
"Thank you for coming here," I said. Gusto ko siyang yakapin pero maraming tao kaya ngiti nalang ang maibibigay ko sa kaniya.
"Just call me if there's something wrong," He reminded me.
"Yes, Master Sergeant," I replied.
"It's now Senior Master Sergeant," he corrected and chuckled.
I'm really proud of him.
***
It's Saturday again and I have to go to the hospital for a bit. Magkikita kami ngayon ni Jac kaya iiwan ko nalang muna yung kotse ko sa parking kasi sabi ko doon nalang kami magkita.
I was talking to some nurses when I saw Treyvor approaching. I waved at him and he went to me.
"Hey," he greeted and the nurses left us. "How have you been? Ang dami kong pinuntahan na conference at sobrang busy rin sa Hospital." He explained.
"It's fine." I laughed. "What brings you here?" I asked as we walked down the hallway.
"I just missed you, hindi pwedeng makita ka?" He said. I looked at him like I was stunned. I don't know what to say and what to react. "Let's have lunch together today," he said not minding my reaction.
"I'm sorry I have plans," I said and I couldn't lie to him. "I'm meeting Jac," I said as earlier as I should. I don't want to give him false hopes and besides I don't want misundertandings.
"Why?" He asked in a different tone of voice.
"We're back together," I don't want to lie to him. He's always been there for me and I really don't want to hurt him.
He just stared at me for a couple of minutes.
His eyes speaks a lot of words but he chose to say this. "Okay, I wish for your happiness," He said and looked away.
"Treyvor," I called him and he smiled. Alam kong pilit lang 'yun. he knows, he knows that my heart is in love with someone else but he still chose to love me even though he knew that it won't be reciprocated.
"Save those, Zea. I'm fine and I understand..." he gave me a light nod.
"Zea," We both turned to Jac who just called me. He looked at Treyvor and then to me.
"Thank you for taking care of Zea," He said and extended his hand to Treyvor.
Ilang segundong tinignan lamang iyon ni Treyvor bago niya ito tinanggap.
"No problem. Take care of her too," Treyvor said and glanced at me.
I can't help but to feel sad. I really don't want to hurt him, I just loved someone else. We may not have a good start but I treated him as my friend.
"I will," Jac replied.
"I'll be going now," sumulyap siya uli sa akin. His eyes reflected pain but he chose to mask it up.
"Let's go?" Jac said and I nodded. Sabay kaming naglakad papunta sa sasakyan niya. I was quiet the whole ride. Napatingin lamang ako sa labas ng bintana nang makita ang mga malawak na palayan.
"Where are we going?" I asked. Sabi niya kasi magla-lunch lang kami pero nasa express way na kami.
"Laguna," he just simply replied.
Mabilis lang kaming nakarating sa Laguna. We're here in Nuvali, naghanap muna kami ng resto. We decided to eat at a Chinese resto. We ordered some xiao long bao and some chinese noodles.
"Is something bothering you?" he looked at me. "I don't want any secrets, Zea. That led us to.." he trailed off.
Memories of us being secretive to each other flashed back. Sa kagustuhan naming ayaw malaman ng isa't isa ang problemang dinadala ay siyang nagdulot nang paglalayo namin.
"I hurt Treyvor," mahina kong sabi. I really don't want to talk about this because I'm thinking of Jac's feeling too.
"Everybody gets hurt when it comes to love," he replied.
I nodded and our order arrived. I tried talking about other topics and it worked. I was again smiling with all his stories. Every milestone he reached, he'd tell me. That made me more proud.
Pagkatapos namin kumain ay nagpunta kami sa picnic area. Maraming nagba-bike at marami ring tao. Tahimik lamang kaming naglalakad habang magkahawak ang kamay.
I love his voice when he talks and I also love his silence. I feel like his living the moment while we're walking.
Bumitiw ako sa kaniya kaya napatingin siya sa akin. "Let's take pictures," I waved my phone.
We took selfies together and he also took pictures of me. Parang puro candid nga ang photos ko kasi pinapatawa niya ko habang pinipicture-an.
Nang mapagod kami ay naupo kami sa bench. We bought some ice cream.
"May gusto ka bang gawin? I mean, do you have something in mind that you want to do or to explore?" He asked. Napaisip tuloy ako and then it popped up on my mind.
"I always want to touch the clouds kaya gusto ko maging pilot," I laughed. Alam kong hindi naman talaga mahahawakan ang clouds pero iyon ang iniisip ko nung bata ako.
"You want to do that?" Bumaling ako sa kaniya at nakita ang seryoso niyang mukha.
"Hindi naman mahahawakan ang clouds," nakangiti kong sagot at itinaas ang kamay ko na parang inaabot ang kalangitan.
"But you can feel it," he argued. "Sabihin mo lang sa akin."
"What if I tell you na sige?" I asked and stared into his eyes.
"Then I'll make that come true," he answered, nilabanan niya ang pagtitig ko. His eyes sparkled when he smiled. "Let's go skydiving,"