Doubt

9.

Hashirama:

I held him close to me, the revision forgotten, our teas and coffees cold as we indulged in each other.

"You know what my dream is, Madara?" I asked.

"Mmm?" His eyes were closed, and he looked so comfortable in my arms. I searched within me for any trace of fear, any hint of what I'd felt with all my previous partners that had caused me to run. There was none. Madara had fundamentally changed me. And I wanted to do the same for him.

"I want to enable you to feel the same happiness as before your brother died."

"Oh, Hashi." Madara sighed contentedly. "You can't."

I was taken aback at this. "Why ever not?" I planted a kiss on the top of his head, but in my head, my mind was spinning.

"It's not that I don't think I will ever be happy again. I believe I will. Perhaps even to a similar amount as before Izuna got addicted. But..." He looked away. "It won't be the same. I..." he looked at me. "I haven't told you this, but I am diagnosed with depression." I set my face so it became a stone, not showing any hint of the surprise I felt. Madara... My Madara, my light, my sunshine, so full of life. "It began when Izuna started using. You..." He looked so heartbroken it shattered my souls into a thousand pieces. "You don't mind, so you?"

"Oh my God, Madara, no", I said earnestly. I was surprised, but my heart was filled with a desire to help, to fulfil, to make him whole. "I want to help any way I can."

"The thing is Hashi, and this is important..." He put a finger underneath my chin, and I took his hand. "I don't want you to try and replace Izuna. There is a hole in my heart that is shaped by the absence of him, and I want it to always be there. I want to create a new space, a Hashi-shaped one, for you. I'm going to do my best to be the best boyfriend you could ever have dreamed of, and I believe you are the man of my dreams. But please, don't try to fix me."

I put his hand to my lips, kissed it tenderly.

And we spent the rest of the evening naked on the couch, talking, planning a future for us, talking about a graduation party for me, only for my family and Madara, about introducing me to Madara's parents, about how happy they would be to have me in their family, about trips we would make, about me teaching him everything I knew about drug laws. It was incredible. It filled me with joy.

But somewhere deep inside me, something was scratching at my mind, begging to be let in, wanting my attention. 'Don't try to fix me', Madara had said, and that was a perfectly reasonable request. But that phrase pulled and tugged at me in the shape of a feeling of inadequacy. I could never replace Izuna. And I could never fill the hole in Madara's heart. That though created a deep black space within me that are ate me up. It didn't diminish the dreams we were planning, but finally, Madara noticed something was wrong.

"Want to talk about it?" he asked kindly, placing his sweet hand on my cheek, rasping my stubble.

"No", I said warmly. "Just a lot to take in."

"I understand", Madara smiled.

Madara departed that evening to go to a party with Hannah at her sister's place. I decided to stay in, warming some soup for myself, sitting down underneath my blanket and watching series. I realised I was buryin myself in my black thoughts, and that there was no stopping them at this point. Is he so certain I'm incompetent of loving him adequately that he doesn't even want me to try? I hated myself for it, but I felt a bitter jealousy towards Izuna. Stop it, I told myself. Stop it. The kid died in a heroin overdose. Stop it.

Suddenly, my phone started ringing. To my great surprise I saw it was Christopher. I hesitated, but picked up at the third tone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, man, it's me", he said. "Christopher", he added.

"I know", I said, smiling a little at the last part.

"I just thought, in case you deleted my number, you know... Anyway... I wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I said about Madara."

I was genuinely taken aback. "It doesn't really matter. I don't need your apology", I answered, not unkindly.

"But really. I'm sorry. The rest of the group are, too. There's a party tonight. We would love you to come."

I sighed. "Christopher, I don't really do that anymore."

"I know, and we respect that. We just want to hang. To talk. To have a good time. Please, come."

He sounded genuine, and I knew he was because I'd known the man for five years. I decided it would be good to try to flee from this black space in my brain. So I got up, took a quick shower, blow-dried my hair, put on cologne, donned black trousers and a black sweater that belonged to Madara and was loose on him but tight on me. I realised I needed Madara close that night; that I missed him and desired him, that even though he was the reason behind my dark thought I didn't want to flee from him but find comfort in him. His sweater was a bleak replacement, but it would do.

Then I took my keys and coat and left my apartment, that was close to becoming our apartment considering how much time Madara spent there.

And I went to the party where I would make the biggest mistake of my life that would cause me to lose everything.