17 Days [Justin Bieber]

Day Fifteen ❤ Part One

San Francisco, California
July 8, 2012
Day Fifteen ♥ Part One

Two Days Left... ♥

Addison

I woke up with the sun shining down upon me; apparently I had forgotten to close the curtains last night, once again. I tried getting up but it was impossible with all the weight that was being held all on top of me.

"What the - ?" I looked to see what was holding me down, and now I knew why I couldn't get out of the bed. Justin was holding tight, onto my waist. Justin was sleeping soundlessly; I did not want to wake him up at all. He really did look like an angel, my angel. I know all the stories about our ancestors watching over us and the spirits of all the people around us, so I hope and I wish that I could be able to be in Justin's life. I want to be able to watch over him from above, make him be happy; I'd like to be his guardian angel, if that's even possible. Justin began to move around, but he still kept a tight hold on me. Then something that Justin did surprised me, he began to sleep talk. He was muttering things but I could catch some words that he was saying.

"Please...no....she can't go...don't...die." As Justin was sleep talking, he began to make whimpering/sobbing noises. I could guess what he was dreaming about; it made me feel so guilty. He's having dreams about my death, and I'm over here just happy to be in his arms; now I can see why he's been holding onto me so tight. He just doesn't want to face the fact that I have to die, it's part of everyone's lives. Whoever lives has to die. But Justin is making it so hard. He wants me to stay but I can't, I am not in control of my life anymore. Once the doctors diagnosed me with this heart disease, they took over my life; they started to give me antibiotics and all this other stuff that was supposedly supposed to help me. I don't think they knew that this disease has no cure, but you know, it's good to always have a little hope. Although, I did know from the start that whatever I have, it wasn't ever going to be cured. There's no way out for me. I just have today and tomorrow to stay with a smile on my face and show Justin that he can be happy without me; not miserable. I studied Justin's face a little more before I deeply sighed; this was going to be hard. Letting him go will be the hardest thing that I have to do in life. I love him so much. How are you supposed to let go of someone that you love so dearly? I will never know how to answer that question myself. The sparkle of my promise ring made me lose sight of Justin. He had gotten me this beautiful promise ring, making me promise that I would be there with him forever. I plan on keeping my promise. Never have I ever broken a promise and I'm not about to start now. This ring was just so beautiful and the fact that Justin got it for me because he loves me just like how I love him makes it even more special for me. And he had gotten both our names engraved in it, how cute was that? I would like to wear this ring forever on my finger.

"I see you like the ring I got you." I heard Justin whisper in my ear, with a husky tone of voice, but still sounding great coming from him.

"Yes, I love the ring. I love how you put our names in it; it's so beautiful." I sighed. "When did you get them?" I was very curious as to when he got the rings; he couldn't have just got them yesterday, that was nearly impossible. I wasn't asleep for such a long time.

"I got them before we had gone horseback riding, I didn't know when it would be a good time to give it to you." He looked at the ceiling for a moment, as if it were the most interesting thing. "You know, I got you - us, something else." Then a smile came to his face but just as it appeared, it disappeared quickly. "But you can't get the other thing just yet; we need to wait a little while." Justin took a hold of both my cheeks and he started to rub his thumbs gently against my skin. "I love you so much, Addison. Please understand that I just want you next to me forever, I want you to get better, so we can finally live the way that we're supposed to. Okay?" He looked deeply into my eyes; meanwhile I was getting lost in his eyes, he was waiting for my response. I quickly nodded my head for him to know that I understood everything that he had just said.

"I love you too, Justin; you have no idea of how much I love you. But I also need you to understand what I'm going through, I'm the one that is always feeling guilty in the end. You tell me that you want me to be with you forever, meanwhile you know that in just two or three more days, I'm going to die. I want you to know that I will love you forever and that you will never be alone because I will always be near you, especially in here." I put my index finger to his chest, where his heart is supposed to be at. "For the past few days, you've been trying to avoid this conversation but it's time that we talk about it. It's time that you listen to what I feel and -"

"No!" Justin practically yelled to everyone in the whole house; he was that loud. He let go of me and stood up at the foot of the bed so quickly, it scared me.

"Justin, be quiet, you're going to wake everyone up with your yelling." I tried to shush him but apparently it didn't work because he kept on yelling.

"I don't want to have this conversation now and I won't want to have this conversation ever!" Justin was overreacting with this whole situation.

"Look, Justin, I get the fact that you're getting upset but you seriously have to calm down. My parents and your mom are not going to appreciate you yelling so early in the morning." I told him in sternly tone.

"No! I won't calm down. You just don't understand how I feel! You don't understand how it feels to be in my position. You don't understand how it's going to feel to lose someone that you love so much." At this point, both me and Justin were crying. Justin was obviously crying for his reasons and I was crying because I was getting hurt by his tone of voice and the fact that I was hurting him.

"Okay, I listened to what you had to say; now you listen to what I have to say. Justin, you don't understand how it feels to be in my position. You wish you could stay and be forever happy but guess what, not everyone in life gets what they want. It sucks because I'm the one who has to say goodbye to the one's I love. Before you even came into my life, I didn't feel so happy, I wasn't always smiling but you managed to change that. That is why I want to have this conversation with you; I want to talk to you about what's going to happen after my passing, because I still want you to maintain that happiness in your soul and that smile on your face." With each word, tears kept slipping out of eyes; I couldn't control them.

"No... I won't be able to smile if you're not here with me. Nothing will ever be the same; you are forever stuck in my head and heart."

"As you are, in mine." I interrupted him.

"I don't want to lose you." More and more tears streaked down his cheeks. I didn't like seeing Justin cry, it hurt too much and especially to know that I had caused those tears