floating | ✓

38| gwen

So how could I hold it against him?

“You did nothing, Oliver,” I say looking down. “It’s all on me.”

I shake my head and look away. My eyes water. My lips tremble.

I am such a fool.

Faye was right. I am an idiot.

“Gwen,” Oliver says. He takes a step towards me.

He sounds heartbroken. He sounds like he is afraid of something.

“I got your message, Oliver. It’s okay,” I say. “I just hope we don’t cross each other’s path. I hope you’ll at least give that to me.”

Oliver blinks. He shakes his head. “What are you—”

“I’ll go now,” I say.

It takes so much not to cry. I don’t know how I’m holding myself together. I have no idea.

“I thought...” Oliver says. “I thought you loved me.”

I glance at him.

What does he mean? What does he want from me?

I don’t know. I don’t want to know. So, I shake my head, and I say the biggest lie I have ever said in my life.

“That was a mistake. I don’t,” I say with a hard face. “And I think that makes things easier, doesn’t it?”

Oliver takes a step back. He stares at me.

He looks like I have just broken his heart.

I will never understand people. I never could. I can’t, even now.

Oliver shakes his head. “Okay.”

“Yeah,” I say. I open my car door.

“I get it,” Oliver says.

I sigh. I get in the car and strap in my seatbelt. Oliver steps aside. I turn on the engine.

I take a deep breath and drive off.

I don’t look back, but I see his shadow in my rearview mirror.

He stands there alone in the dark, looking my way.

*****

I have to stop the car so I can manage myself a little before I reach home. My mascara is waterproof, thank God.

As I open the front door, I find Mom. She looks at the clock upon seeing me.

“You’re home early,” Mom says.

I shrug in reply.

“Did you find Oliver? He came here,” Mom says. “He asked for you. Your dad talked to him. That probably got him a little late.”

I want Mom to stop talking.

I close my eyes and inhale. “Oh.”

I don’t say anything else. I go to my room.

I close the door and sit down on my bed. I am back to where I started.

I am back to being with me, all alone.

I change into my pajamas. I look at the teddy bear sitting on my bed. I take it and go to our storeroom. Opening the door, I leave it there. I come back to my room and I climb into my bed.

I am so tired.

I am tired of living. I am tired of existing.

I close my eyes and I hope I will fall asleep. It hurts to breathe.