SUMMER'S END

12

Nicki wondered if she was still drunk, the way she stood there in her wet attire facing Robyn, who clearly was beyond words at the sight of her. The utter inappropriateness of the situation hit her like a fist in the gut. And she really should start wearing a bra more often. She could barely make out the blue of Robyn's eyes in the darkness, but when their gazes met over the black surface of the water, and for some reason Nicki's breath caught in her throat, she slowly started walking back to shore.
"I'll fetch us some towels." She turned away from Robyn, afraid to look back and witness the raw emotions laid bare in Robyn's stare. The water was heavy against her legs, but she was practically running out of the sea, having no clue how to deal with the rising fire in her blood. Nicki waited long enough by the stack of fluffy towels to make sure the moment had passed before returning to the beach.
Her hands were shaking a little too much for her comfort when she offered Robyn the towel because all she really wanted to do was wrap it around her and pull her close like she had done the night before. Maybe she shouldn't have done that.
"Thanks," Robyn murmured. Drops of water slid off her onto the sand and Nicki couldn't help herself. She caught a good look before Robyn covered most of her skin with the towel.
"I guess you've had enough beer for one day?" Robyn asked while shifting her weight from one foot to the other, her voice thin and tight.
"I-" She hesitated. It took more will power than Nicki had expected to reply in a sensible manner. "I'll have some water."
She made her way through the garden, hurrying to the kitchen, unable to tear herself away from Robyn for the rest of night. They sat down in the sand, enveloped in the almost-silence of the beach-just the gentle slapping of waves and the smacking of their lips as they drank. Nicki knew small talk would not do. But how do you open a box that hasn't been opened for years, a locked box of which the key went missing a long time ago? She couldn't possibly share her burden with someone so young. It wasn't fair. Still, the simple fact that she sat next to another woman merely contemplating the option
made a shiver run up her spine.
Maybe thaw was setting in.
"I know, huh..." Robyn started. "I know we haven't talked much and we only just met, but I feel so at ease around you. Like I've known you forever."
Nicki had to swallow the lump in her throat before she could reply. "We come from the same stock, I guess." Her voice trembled.
"Upper crust London." She quickly pushed away the thought of her father's last five messages on her phone that had gone unanswered.
"Both gay. Both running."
"Do you..." Robyn hesitated again and Nicki felt like such a coward for making a twenty-four-year-old do all the heavy lifting in this late night conversation. "I guess I'm wondering if you feel it too."
They both stared ahead. A few stars twinkled above the sea.
"What I feel doesn't matter." A cold hand wrapped itself around Nicki's heart. Robyn turned to her. Nicki didn't move despite being able to see, from the corner of her eye, the desperate expression conquering Robyn's face.
"Why?" Robyn asked.
"Because it's the only way I know how to survive." Robyn had no idea what sitting on the beach with her after sunset and simply saying those words-no matter their bluntness-took out of Nicki. To Nicki, it presented another crack in her well-crafted armour.
She swivelled around in the sand and somehow found the courage-because how could she not?-to face the girl. "But if you really must know." Nicki realised her words were barely audible over the
crashing of the waves. "Yes, I do."
Robyn cleared her throat before speaking. "It may not matter to you, but what you feel matters to me." The tears stinging behind her eyes were exactly the reason why Nicki didn't have conversations like this anymore. This one was about to end abruptly either way, because Nicki didn't have words left. She fought the animalistic impulse inside of her to lean
forward and kiss Robyn. Instead, she briefly reached for Robyn's palm and squeezed it gently before pushing herself up out of the sand.
"Thanks," she muttered quietly, turned around and walked inside. When she arrived in her room, she sat down on the bed, buried her face in her hands and let the tears roll out. It had happened once before. A sudden instant of standing face-to-face with a stranger that had changed her life. And look at the pain that had caused. Nicki didn't reach for a sleeping pill that night. Instead, before stripping off her wet clothes and going to bed, she walked to the
window facing the sea and looked for Robyn. She could just make out her hunched shape at the edge of the garden-more a shadow really. As much as she tried, she couldn't look away. Not this time.