SUMMER'S END

7

Embarrassment was not the right word to describe how Robyn felt, it was more a mixture of quiet shame for rambling on like that and an enormous sense of relief. Nicki's arms around her only acted as more of a catalyst to let her emotions run free mostly in the shape of tears raining down her cheeks. But what was this? Three months of endlessly mulling it over in her head and she still couldn't say it? Was she that afraid of who she really was? Could she even say the word out loud? "I know I'm a complete outsider on this matter." Nicki's mouth was very close to Robyn's ear. "But it sounds to me as if you've made the right decision." Robyn nodded. She knew that much, but that decision was only the beginning. Walking away was hard, but going back and starting anew would be even harder. "I'm sorry for blubbering like this," she managed to say. "Trust me, I'm not usually like this." She felt a chuckle make its way through Nicki's muscles.
"There's no one here to judge you."
This simple remark from Nicki set loose another round of tears, because that's exactly what it came down to in the end. To be free from any judgement and all the expectations heaped upon her from the day she was born. It was the reason why Robyn had hopped on that plane and had flown all those miles.
"I-" she started. "I like..."
Nicki's arms hugged her tighter, as if wanting to squeeze the words out of her.
"I like girls... women, I mean." The words tumbled clumsily out of Robyn's mouth. She was on a beach in Thailand in the company of a woman she barely knew-a kind stranger she had just happened
upon-and Robyn didn't know what she had expected to occur the instant she finally dared to say it, but the moment could not have felt more right. She'd reached the end point of her journey and soon
she'd be ready-really ready-to go home.
"And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that." Nicki's grip on her loosened, her hands snaking to Robyn's neck. A ball of fire seemed to come alive underneath Robyn's skin, as if, now that she'd finally said it-confessed her secret to a perfect stranger she was allowed to feel it too. As if she had no choice at all, she stopped thinking and placed her hand on Nicki's. She snuck her fingers around the woman's
palm and held on for dear life-as if her body was convinced she'd never meet anyone as sympathetic as this again.
"It's going to be all right." Nicki briefly dug her fingers into the flesh of Robyn's shoulders, sending a jolt of lightning through her body, before retreating. She let her hand slip out of Robyn's grasp and kneeled beside her. "Believe me, I've been where you are and I know."
"W-what?" Robyn felt her eyes grow wide.
"I received my toaster oven a long time ago."
Robyn pinched her eyebrows together and, confused, repeated, "What?"
"Silly inside lesbian joke, never mind." Nicki patted her on the thigh and returned to her seat.
Clearly Robyn was not enough of a lesbian yet to get it. "I've never..." She felt heat rise from her neck to her cheeks.
"You know."
"What?" Nicki tilted her head, clearly adamant to not cut Robyn any slack with this part of her impromptu confession. "Had a slice of toast before?" Her lips curled into a smile, breaking her face into a kind, gentle expression. The crow's feet around her eyes crinkled beautifully. Robyn smiled back. Nicki's words started to register at last.
"Hey, we've all been there at some point." Nicki broke the silence. A sudden darkness seemed to take hold of her face, her confident smile fading and the sparkle in her eye dying. Robyn racked her brain for something to say. Should she ask? They were sharing, after all.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She kept her voice soft and inviting.
Nicki locked her gaze on Robyn, eyes boring deep and face unflinching. Robyn swallowed hard and concluded she might be in over her head a bit. This was a sombreness she had yet to encounter in her life. A dull sadness hung in the air and swept away any of the elation Robyn had been feeling.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry." What was she thinking? That because they'd had a short moment of bonding over the fact that they were both gay was going to make this stranger open up to her?
"It's not your fault." Nicki's voice was unrecognisable, coming from a low, desperate place. One where words failed. "I just...can't..." Nicki pushed her chair away from the table. "By no
means do I want to trivialise the moment we shared tonight by storming off. I'm genuinely happy for you, but I need to go upstairs now."
She walked to the edge of the yard and closed the gate, her movements sparse and precise. When she walked past the table where Robyn sat she remained silent. Only when she'd reached the door to the house, she turned around.
"Just let the door fall into the lock and twist it around twice when you go inside. Goodnight."
The tremble in her voice was unmistakable. And so was the pain etched in the lines of her face.