SUMMER'S END

6

They ate dinner while staring out into the fleeting light of dusk. Nicki loved the time of day-because it was hardly evening yet-when the sea seemed to disappear and all that remained was the spot she created for herself with candles and discreet lighting.
"It's so quiet here," Robyn said. If she was enjoying the food, she hadn't said so yet, which was terribly un-upper class of her. Nicki suppressed a smile at the thought.
"That's why I love it." She chewed on some noodles while contemplating if she should continue, but then didn't hesitate. As if, for some reason on this evening, it needed to be said. "It's the only place where I can find some sort of peace."
Nicki could tell Robyn didn't immediately know how to respond to that. She fidgeted with a piece of chicken on her plate and avoided her gaze. When she finally did look up, Nicki was surprised by the intensity in her eyes.
"I gathered as much." She put her fork down. "Hey, I'm running from something too." Robyn's voice had gone soft, barely a whisper against the light breeze sweeping in from the sea. "And if you can't be at home, this place isn't half bad." An opening. Nicki took it. "What are you running from?"
The corners of Robyn's mouth curled into a tight smile, as if she'd been waiting for the question and the right time for it to be asked.
"A terribly expensive wedding and a subsequent life I stopped being able to imagine, I guess."
Nicki couldn't hold back a grin at being subjected to more dramatic vagueness. "Did you leave him at the altar?"
"As good as." She reached for her beer. "It broke my heart as much as it did his, you know. But of course no one could see that. He was my best friend for five years, my life really, and I loved him-I still love him, I always will-but as our wedding day approached, an uneasiness kept building inside of me. First, I brushed it off as nerves because I simply couldn't stop lying to myself. I'd been doing it for so long by then. And it was so easy with him." She took a breath before continuing. "But I knew in my heart that it wasn't right to promise eternity when I couldn't even face the next day." Robyn fell silent, but Nicki didn't press her. She was starting to put the pieces together and, oddly, despite the sadness creeping into Robyn's expression, Nicki grew excited about the words she suspected to hear next.
"All throughout planning the wedding, which was to be a momentous occasion for both of our families, I'd fooled myself into believing that the love I felt was enough. That it was based on a solid, deeply-rooted friendship and what could possibly be more important than that?" She shook her head. "But one day I looked at myself in the mirror and asked my reflection how on earth I had become a twenty-four-year-old who didn't allow herself any passion. I mean, my family's not very big on passion and I've always been taught that getting along well with your partner is so much more valuable and
sustainable than that 'short bout of foolishness'-my mother's words-at the beginning of a relationship." Robyn's fingers seemed about to strangle the neck of the bottle she was holding. "That's when I realised my idea of love had been wrong all along. And that I didn't want to end up twenty-five years later giving the same advice to my daughter."
She took a long gulp from her beer and some of it ran down her chin. She wiped it off with such a sweet, almost child-like gesture.
"It's like when you make a puzzle and the last pieces just won't fit and you cram them in anyway. As if that's what I'd been doing with my life. Well, one day, they're going to come loose and nothing clicks anymore." Nicki was amazed by the sudden clarity in Robyn's words and by the eloquence she displayed in explaining something so personal and complex. "Wow." She didn't really know if she should speak yet, but the need to acknowledge Robyn's confession as something big and valid and true was too great. "That must have taken a lot of courage." Nicki had no trouble picturing Robyn's family. She had one just like it of her own.
"It wasn't even courage. It was just... need. An undeniable desire for something else." Robyn drew her eyes into slits. Nicki noticed the sparkle of the first tear that gathered in the corner of her eye.
"I mean... I know what I want, I've known all along, really. I just..." She paused. "I just haven't allowed myself to give in to these feelings ever, which is silly and stupid in so many ways, but I always had Jasper and I thought I always had to give it at least one more try..." She wiped away the lone tear running down her cheek. "And I would never have cheated on him, not on anyone."
Poor girl. All of this had been bottled up inside of her for years. For some it was so easy, while others just found it so difficult. Nicki briefly reflected on her own life and how simple love had been before it had become cruel and nearly destroyed her. "Have you ever told anyone about this before?"
Slowly, Robyn shook her head. The tears started streaming rapidly now, painting tracks on her cheeks that reflected in the flicker of the candlelight.
Nicki moved out of her chair to give Robyn a hug.