SUMMER'S END

18

Nicki felt Robyn stiffen next to her.
“It was a car wreck. We were in a crash and it was my fault. Ishouldn’t have been driving in the state I was in, but I had insistedand we were fighting and I didn’t see...” She had to catch her breath.
“I didn’t see the lorry because I was looking at her, I was berating her for losing money, and when we crashed I hardly had a scratch onme because her side of the car had taken the impact.”
Nicki closed her eyes and the tears sprang free. Her voicedidn’t change pitch and her hands didn’t shake, but on the inside, onthe back of her eyelids, it was all happening again.
“She died on the way to the hospital.” She swallowed away sometears. “And it was my fault. I’d been so angry with her for investingher money in her friend’s company after I’d categorically advised
her against it—that was my business after all. But that was what shewas like. She’d give away her last scrap of clothing to a homelessperson. And I was yelling at her about it seconds before she died. It
killed her.”Nicki wiped the tears from her eyes, but they kept on coming. “And you know what the police did? They took away my license for a year.” She puffed out some air. “That’s it. That’s how they
punish you for killing someone in the motherland.”
Robyn was eerily quiet beside her.
“God, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have laid this on you. It’s not fair andit’s not your burden to bear.” Nicki wanted to get up and walkaway, but she was afraid her legs wouldn’t carry her.
“This happened five years ago?” One of Robyn’s fingers approached her, but Nicki pulled back. She had to. Saying it outloud—after all this time—had convinced her once again that shewasn’t worthy to be touched. Especially not by a girl like Robyn.
“Yes,” came her curt reply.
“And all this time you haven’t allowed yourself to be happy forone moment?”
“Of course not.” She sniffed loudly, losing all sense of decorum.
“Ingrid’s dead.”
“But it was an accident.” Robyn’s voice sounded thin andinsecure.
“An accident I caused.”
“But still an accident,” Robyn whispered, while her hand madeanother approach. Nicki felt the heat shoot through her andbriefly allowed it to warm her up inside.
“I sold everything and moved here.” Suddenly, she felt like sheneeded Robyn’s touch and she grasped her fingers. “We’d come hereon our first big holiday together and we were so happy here. It wasthe first time I really felt it, that I wanted to spend the rest of my lifewith her. So, that’s what I did. I came back here to mourn her and tomake sure I never forget her—nor what I did.”
“Jesus.”
“Yeah.”
They sat in silence for a while. Nicki didn’t expect Robyn tosay anything because what could she possibly say.
“It must seem as if I’m wallowing in self-pity here on my island,some sort of fake exile in paradise, but I needed to do this. I neededto come here. If that makes sense at all.”
“I won’t claim to understand the extent of your pain, and whathappened was terrible.” Robyn scooted closer and Nicki admiredher confidence. “But don’t you think you’ve suffered enough?”
What was enough? Could it ever be enough?
“I don’t know. This is my life now. It has its moments, its ups anddowns, but not too many. And that’s the only way I can live.”
Robyn brought Nicki’s hand to her lips and pressed a tenderkiss on it, causing Nicki to retract it instantly.
“It’s not the only way. It can’t possibly be.” Robyn was persistent.But what did she know? She was twenty-four years old. Youngereven than when Nicki had met the woman she’d spent more than ten years with. She’d just left her fiancé and perhaps that hadtaken some courage but really, what other choice did she have?
“I hope you understand the reason why I can’t—I mean, why thiscan’t go any further. In fact, it has already gone too far.” Nickipushed herself up from the boat. She had enough decency to notleave Robyn by herself in the dark. “I’ll walk you back.”
“Wait.” Robyn’s feet made splashing sounds onto the wet sand.Nicki turned around to face her. She could barely make outRobyn’s features in the darkness of the night. It was easier that way.
“You don’t want to be with me.” She tried to stress her point.“Says who?” Robyn’s reply came quickly, her voice much harsherthan Nicki had expected. “You?” She took a step closer. Nicki could feel her breath float over her cheeks. “And how would
you know?” She paused for effect. “And what if I do? What if I really, really want to?”Nicki had to take a second to let all the questions register.
“It’s not only up to you.”
“Oh, I know that.” Was that the blooming barrister coming out inyoung Robyn? “But when you kissed me this afternoon, you didn’tleave a doubt in my mind.”
“It was a moment of weakness. I—”
“Don’t you get tired of this, Nicki? All this defence? All thisendlessly feeling sorry for yourself? This blatant refusal to live?You’re forty years old, for god’s sake. Your life’s not over yet.”Nicki started to get annoyed. She hadn’t come here to get a talking-to, let alone by someone who’d barely lived at all. “Andspending three months on your own in a different continent makesyou an expert, does it?”
“No.” Robyn shook her head. “But it’s an easy excuse to holdagainst me. So is my age. But I saw what I saw in your eyes, Nicki. I saw the desire to live, to feel again. Just… give yourself achance.”
“But that’s just it. Ingrid didn’t get a second chance, and nor should I.”