SUMMER'S END

8

Nicki could kick herself for her cold reaction. The girl had just admitted something life-changing to herself and to Nicki.Something Nicki could relate to like no other, no less, and this was how she responded? Slinking off like a thief in the night as if it could ever undo the past? As if it made a difference? Any sliver of joy, any indication that she might enjoy herself a bit too much, and the guilt set in. Like the storm clouds in rainy season, drenching a perfectly good day in a million tears. And all there was to show for them afterwards were a few puddles that dried up in a matter of hours. But she was guilty. And instead of doing time in a prison cell, she spent it in paradise. In perpetual exile, because no one could punish her better than she could herself. When people arrived here, on her little patch of land on Samui, they only saw the palm trees, the glittering sea and white-headed waves, but they didn't see-couldn't see-what wasn't there. The missing person. Nothing could be more punishment for Nicki than spending her days here, in this place that people dream of, without Ingrid. She peeled off her clothes and slipped into bed. It would have to be a night of medicated sleep. She hadn't had one of those for a
while, had somehow managed to keep the demons at bay-somedays it was easier than others, but more so of late. She grabbed a strip of pills from the nightstand-always close by-and swallowed one dry. Sleep came within minutes.

"Toast?" Nicki grinned broadly overcompensating for last night's insensitivity, no doubt. And yes, she'd had a one-way heart-to-heart with Robyn, but that didn't make her qualified to predict her sense of humour, especially before breakfast. Even though it was almost ten. Gosh, the girl slept late. Nicki had been up for hours, skulking around the house, hushing herself when she made too much noise.
"Do I get my own toaster now?" Robyn still looked a bit groggy, a pinch of moon dust had gathered in the corner of her right eye, but she was awake enough for a quip. Clearly, she hadn't showered yet.Nicki would have heard-but even if she hadn't-the crumpled look of Robyn's clothes and the riot that was her hair gave that away.Suddenly, without notice and from the far recesses of her brain, Nicki envisioned herself waking up to the very sight before her eyes, to a warm body next to hers.She blinked twice rapidly and shook off the thought. Where on earth did that come from?
"I'll call HQ and see what I can do." Nicki found herself rummaging around the kitchen, looking for things she didn't need.
"Coffee or tea?"
"Strong coffee, please." Robyn rubbed her temples ostentatiously.
"After you went to bed, I helped myself to some more beer from the fridge. I hope that's all right. I lined up the bottles so you could count them and charge me."
Nicki had indeed found three empty Singha bottles in the kitchen this morning. She'd cleared them without giving them any further thought. "Nonsense. This is an all-inclusive lesbian resort, you know."
"But-" Nicki could see Robyn struggling to get past her utter Britishness and say something about money. "I want to pay. It's only fair."
"Why don't you sit down outside and I'll bring your breakfast out in a second."
"As you wish," Robyn shrugged and headed towards the patio, which was drenched in sunlight. Nicki watched her for a second and saw her stretch like a cat, her long arms leaning over the back of the chair, seemingly reaching towards her. For some reason, Nicki felt inclined to meet them and take Robyn's hands in hers.
"I'll leave you in peace," Nicki, suddenly feeling defensive, said, when she brought Robyn her coffee and toast with little jam and butter cups.
"Please stay, if you don't have anything else to do." Robyn's eyes were bright and blue, catching the sunlight. "I, huh, like talking to you."
"I'll be right back." Nicki giggled inwardly as she sauntered to the kitchen to fetch herself a mug of coffee. When she dragged a chair back from the table at which Emily sat munching toast a few minutes later, it couldn't have felt more right. She wanted to stretch out her body as well, the way cats do after a satisfying nap. Instead, she faced Robyn with a straight back. Some things can never be unlearned no matter how far you remove yourself from the place you were taught.
"Thank you for last night," Robyn said in between bites, almost casually. There was something different about her today, a lighter air, as if a weight had been lifted. Although Nicki had no objective way of measuring this, since she'd only just met her and only had half a day to go on. But she could well imagine how Robyn was feeling. "You've no idea how much I needed to say those words."
"I'm glad I was witness to them." Nicki did in no way underestimate the power of the moment for Robyn.
"Do you mind me asking what it was like for you?" Robyn seemed much bolder today, like someone who had for the first time truly realised the splendour of the life she had to live. But Nicki had no intention of sharing. Even if she wanted to, she couldn't. It was not part of the deal she'd made with herself five
years ago. It was not part of the punishment. She wasn't here for sharing, nor for revelling in past, very fleeting, but profoundly impacting moments of happiness. She was here for penance and penance only. "Maybe later." She found herself unable to close the door on Robyn and the conversation completely though. That was a first.