The broken window

Chapter 22

"I used to visit this place on my birthdays with my parents," he tried to start a conversation while sitting on the semi-round bench under the Peepal tree.

"I never remember you visiting this place," I responded, hoarsely.

Undesirably, I was forced to meet him by hitting me with gunshots of emotional words and enforced me to sit near him.

"Haha... Till class nine, I had visited this place. After that, I was sent abroad. So, most probably you might be in class four when we had last met each other. Baby enough to remember the passers-by in the life... right?" He chuckled.

I passed a forceful smile at him, appreciating him for his prediction, without arguing. And then a short time silent phase prevailed. I was just requesting the clock hands to run faster. Silences overload awkwardness when we have a lot to speak but can't help out with our speech. After that silent phase of dealing with awkwardness, he again started a new conversation. He asked me about my parents and my studies.

That day I just replied to his questions, without questioning back to dig into his life. By noontime, I was freed from that stranger.

As soon as he left, everyone surrounded me and started teasing. Meanwhile, the caretaker dragged me away from the gathering, towards Prity's mom.

"So, how was Rohit? Can we finalize him for you?" Prity's mom enquired to me.

"If he is a good guy then without any hesitation you should proceed ahead," the caretaker interrupted.

I was standing silently, groaning from inside. I was lacking guts to burst out in front of the caretaker. Because I knew, my opposing words against marriage would have no value in front of her.

Days passed... Helplessness got glued on me. Where will I go, How will I survive, such type of questions suppressed my guts to run away from the orphanage? Alas, instead of leaving the orphanage, I decided to leave the world. For me, marriage was equivalent to murder - the murder of who I am... the murder of a peaceful heart which can be happy or sad according to its own choices... So, it was better to choose suicide instead of becoming a victim of murder.

A night before my next meeting with him, I made a runaway plan. When everyone was sinking deeper in their periods of sleep, I turned all around, sharpened my ears to catch footsteps and re-confirmed that my path was clear. I tiptoed my moves towards the main gate. Finally, I made my successful move towards the exit. I didn't know why, a few teardrops rolled down my cheeks, uncontrollably. Maybe, because I was leaving my friends, the place or rather the world forever. Once the value of life is understood, it requires loads of guts to attempt suicide. Struggles rarely create such load but helplessness does. But now I think, helplessness is somehow a way towards new hopes. Though it's too late to understand for me now.

I started moving forward without turning back. Turning back won't allow me to move ahead. I wanted to live, struggle and learn to the level of infinity. But I wanted to face everything. alone. It was okay as a friend to help and support me sometimes. But I couldn't allow someone to enter my heart. The impacts of the two strongest relationships in this world are just unbearable for me - firstly, the blood-related relationships and secondly the soul related relationships. Their absence can create an unfillable void... Their dos and don'ts can make us exceptionally happy as well as make the heart sob, painfully. None of the facts of practicality works for those two relations. I was not able to afford to be with someone again, to face losses and griefs. But how life flings us towards helplessness and carries a storm to end this life.

Along with my endless thoughts, I was stepping ahead in an endless direction. I only knew the routes from the orphanage to my school and college. Besides that, the complete Tezpur was unknown to me.
I was walking through the middle of the road, staring at the beggars on the footpath - some without foot, some without hands. The streetlights sparkled their smiles being passed for each other while sharing food. Some of them were having their peaceful night sleeps. There was no grief for their losses. Though engulfed by struggles and helplessness, they were having mental support from each others adding up strength as a reason for their survival. After all, mental illness has the strongest power to either build up someone or to deteriorate someone.