Everything & More (Book 1 in the E.C.N Series)

Chapter 26-Martha

"Ryan." I spoke, it wasn't a question. I knew full and well there wasn't anyone else that he would feel this way towards.

Jonathan took an audible breath in and spoke, "Yes."

I was nodding to myself. Trying to process that our main issue was always going to be the fact that I allowed Ryan in my life. "I need to know, what is your problem with him?"

"I told you that night...he didn't respect me as your husband, hell it's still true."

"How could he ever learn to respect you after what you did?" I turned my body on the couch to fully face him.

"Is that true Martha?" My attention turned to the question.

I gave Dr. Salner an expectant look, not sure what he was talking about, "Is what true?"

"Does this friend of yours not respect Jonathan's status as your husband?"

Taking a breath, I knew the truth. I knew how Ryan felt and after Jonathan cheated I couldn't find any fault in those feelings anymore. "No he doesn't."

"And why would you want a friend like that?"

Jonathan's attention was fully on me. It's like this was the question he's wanted the answer to this entire time but didn't know how to ask it. As I thought about it, there was a level of truth I didn't know was there about how much of a pass I would give to Ryan. How, I never defended Jonathan on more than one occasion. "Ryan and I are very close, we grew up together since I was five and him seven. I don't really know life without him." A small smile appeared on my lips as I reminisced.

"When I started dating Jonathan, Ryan was anything but pleased. I have asked both of them time and time again what the issue was but neither of them would ever say anything. Ryan being my best friend, the person whose opinion I valued more than anything at the time, I can admit to giving Ryan a pass one too many times. But on the day that everything was put in perspective for me, about just how blind he was with hatred, was the day I kicked my best friend out of my life. I thought since I obviously can't have it all I have to choose one and I chose my husband." The knot in my throat was severe and it took everything in me to swallow it as I looked into his green eyes.

"I chose you that night. When I texted you to come home, when I texted you saying how sorry I was for being so blind and that you would never have to see him again. Where were you? My husband, the man that demands to be respected, my husband who said our family was him, Paige and I. That there was no one else in that equation. My husband was kissing another woman." My eyes burned as I tried to keep the tears back and saw it was the same for him as he heard my words. "And when I remember what I did a year later, how, I wished things were different. I wished that the two of you could just get along, that my hand wasn't forced to turn my back on someone I trusted with my life. On that day, you were feeling so insecure that you sought comfort in another woman's arms." My wet cheeks made me turn to look at Dr. Salner, "On the night I confronted Jonathan, I was so broken, drunk and I felt so alone but I needed to be responsible and pick up my daughter. So I swallowed my pride and went to Ryan for help. Even though I had kicked him out of my life he helped me, no questions asked. So keeping Ryan around now, after what Jonathan did. I won't make Ryan like him or even respect him. But where it counts Ryan is civil and that's all I can ask for."

"I see," Dr. Salner nodded, taking notes on his yellow pad, "Jonathan, do you have anything to add?"

"You're right, I was insecure that night and instead of talking to you I started something I shouldn't have." It actually sounded sincere. I knew he wasn't going to comment on anything I said when it came to Ryan.

Since the other something's been eating at my brain. "Do you love her?" Jonathan's attention snapped to me.

"What?"

"Do you love... Do you love Jackie?" Saying her name was like trying to prevent myself from vomiting.

He was shaking his head, "No, I don't."

"I don't believe you."

Jonathan reached for my hand but I quickly tucked it away, "Martha, please, I swear I don't."

"Martha, why don't you believe Jonathan when he says he isn't in love with this other woman?" Dr. Salner inquired.

Jonathan's pleading eyes made me want to believe him. But all I see are those fucking flowers. I turned to answer Dr. Salner, "His affair went on for a year, a part of me wants to believe that it was just sex that in the mist of it all he didn't end up emotionally cheating on me on top of everything."

"But?" Dr. Salner said.

"But... a year with someone, a year of working so closely together that at any point while they're in the office they could lock his door and fuck. A year of gifts he would bring my daughter and I dwindling because he was tending to her needs. I mean I doubt he can sit there and tell me he didn't buy his mistress expensive things, that he didn't take her out to expensive dinners." I looked at Jonathan waiting for a response, all I saw staring back at me were eyes full of guilt. I nodded and looked away, "Here's the kicker, he confirmed all of that the other night. It wasn't me finding receipts or following him. No, he was very good at covering his tracks. I realized just how much he does for her by the flowers he bought me. He didn't realize that he had bought his mistress' favorite flowers and not mine."

Dr. Salner had an understanding look on his face before turning his attention to Jonathan, "Jonathan, is what she's saying true?"

"Y-yea, I spent money on Jackie from time to time. I took her out when I knew my wife should have been there. But I'm not in love with her."

"Do you have any specific instances where this happened? Where, you were aware of how wrong the situation was?" There were a few scenarios that I could think of. I just kept breathing waiting for him to confirm them. I couldn't leave this room without knowing everything.

"Um... I-I told Martha that I was working and took Jackie out to a really expensive dinner. When we were sitting down and I saw all the decorations I knew I shouldn't be there."

"And what was it about these decorations that brought on this sudden guilt for your actions?"

Jonathan spoke immediately, "My guilt wasn't sudden. I felt guilty every damn day."

"Then why make it last for a year?" Dr. Salner inquired.

"I-I didn't want to hurt anyone."

"You mean, hurt her. You didn't want to hurt her." I said in a clipped tone. When he didn't say anything my chest tightened.

He was so worried about hurting her but he had no problem breaking me in the process.

"That silence says it all." I stood in a haste, my emotions were getting harder to handle the longer I was in this damn room. Hearing all his indiscretions and lies to me.

Jonathan's eyes were full of panic as he stood, "No it doesn't."

"Yes it does! What we're the decorations for?!" This would prove that he cared for her. When did he take her out and leave me in the side lines?

His eyebrows creased. "What?"

"One of the hundred nights you lied to me, what were the decorations for when you went on your date?" I spit out.

He looked down putting his hands in his pockets, "Valentines' Day." I squeezed my eyes closed as I heard him confess. I remember that night, I was so excited to go out. I got a sitter and everything but he called last minute saying there was something at work he couldn't get out of. What makes it worse is that I knew it was bullshit. Just the night before he had told me he took care of his work and would be free. He promised me. He promised me a lot of things. So there I was, crying, home alone, all dressed up and nowhere to go.

Our heads turned to a light alarm that went off on the coffee table in between Dr. Salner and us. The session was over. It was over.