Thoughts... (2)

Quote 22

Dear Diary,

I want to be like how I used to be before.

A living human being who was emotionless, friendless, feelings less. Nothing that I am now. Everything opposite to how I am now.

But something stops me now. It is something that I didn't have before when I was all I now want to be, feel to be.

I used to close down my emotions, myself; like they never existed. Like I never existed.

But, now watching them hurts too. It brings back the memory of how I also used to be there with them. Laughing along with them. Not standing here all alone, hurting myself, killing myself unknowingly and looking at them as they are the most beautiful thing on earth.

Why does it hurt so much? Why can't I just shut down myself like before?

Because all those memories are now engraved in my body, soul and mind?

Because they were the first ones who accepted me as I am?

Because they are the ones who made me so happy like I've never been before?

Because with them I felt loved?

Because with them I felt something to live for?

Because with them I felt myself worthy enough as they spent their time with me, knowing me and sharing secrets of themselves?

But I shouldn't have let myself feel like that. I don't know why, I never thought of it ever ending.

But it did. It ended.

And once it did, I became what I am now.

And I have no control over myself. I have no control over my emotions, my mind, my heart, my thoughts which always drift to something as horrible one can think of. To the worst ways of killing yourself.

Because even though I don't want- need- to feel anything, I do.

And I hate it.

Because I get too much hurt, become too much sad and depressed, that I start getting suicidal thoughts.

And I've felt so much happiness that I can't forget it. And that too experienced at such an age that it will never leave my memory.

It will always be there. It won't leave. Even if I as much as I can try to.

I once used to have the power over what I feel, but now I don't.

And what all I feel now is not anything good at all.