Not the only one (formally Chloe)

Chapter 42

Chloe tried to sleep on the sofa in the SARC but she was scared to close her eyes. Every time she did she could just see his face, hear his voice, smell his aftershave and feel the pain. The tears finally started to fall and she couldn't stop them. "Hey Chloe." Lorraine had heard her sobs. "Can I hug you?" Lorraine asked and Chloe nodded. Lorraine held her for a few moments. "Shall I ring your mum, or is there's something else I can do?"
"Don't ring mum, could you refill my glass of water please?"
Lorraine took the glass, refilled it, and came back in. Chloe took a sip. "I want to sleep," she croaked "but whenever I close my eyes I just see Evan. Like he's right here, like I can feel his breath on my face." Chloe tensed like she was trying to make herself as small as possible. "And everything hurts."
"Ok, remember you're here now and this is a safe place, you are safe. I think Jess was planning to get some painkillers for you." Lorraine popped her head out of the door and asked for some and a few moments later Jess gave them to Lorraine. "Here" she gave them to Chloe. "Now I'm sure you don't want to think about this right now. But the earlier the better. Do you want to take the emergency contraceptive pill, the morning after pill?" She passed the pack to Chloe. Chloe just stared at it. "Will my mum hate me?"
"No, your mum could never hate you, and although I haven't seen your mum for 30 years until tonight.  I used to know her well, I knew you too when you were a tiny baby, but I know that your mum loves you more than anything."
"But if mum took it then I wouldn't be alive." Chloe sobbed as she realised.
"Chloe, I'm not going to make you take it if you don't want to, it's completely your own choice. But I know all your mum will want is for you to do what's best for you." Lorraine said kindly.
"What would you do?" Chloe asked Lorraine.
"I don't know Chloe, most people in your position choose to take it but some don't. It's up to you." Lorraine said kindly. Chloe looked at the pill again and then took it. She knew she wouldn't cope if she was pregnant with his child. "How effective is it?" Chloe asked.
"About 90-95%" Lorraine said. "Chloe, I need to ask you. Has Evan ever hurt you physically before today?"
"No."
"It's just that Jess and Imogen mentioned that you had some cuts on your abdomen. Some of them look fresher and some of them look like they've been there for a while." Lorraine said kindly. Chloe looked at the floor "Chloe?" Lorraine encouraged "has he cut you? Would you rather talk to Jess about this?"
"Me" Chloe said barely audibly.
"You?" Lorraine asked. "What do you mean?"
"I did them?" Chloe whispered.
"You've been cutting yourself?" Lorraine asked.
Chloe nodded and her hands were shaking "it's okay Chloe. You can get help for that." Lorraine smiled.
"Not me." Chloe said "I've been taught all the anxiety coping mechanisms. Had all the CBT from CAMHS, when I was a teen. I mean I'm a doctor I know it helps some people but people like me are past help. I'm an awful person. I have to be punished. Maybe that's why this happened."
"No Chloe. No. You did not deserve to be raped. This is not your fault. Get that out of your head okay. Nobody deserves to be raped. You are not an awful person. Nobody is past being helped. Just because therapy didn't work for you as a teen it doesn't mean that it won't work now. We recommend therapy for all survivors of sexual assault and rape. We can talk to the SARC in Holby and you can get therapy there. Jess rang them and made sure they had psychologists there. The rules still apply we're not going to force you to do anything but I'll give you my number and Jess' and the number for the Holby SARC and you can think on it but it's NOT your fault and you did NOT deserve it. Okay."
Chloe nodded in reply
"I know you said you couldnae sleep. I have a ton of work to do on my laptop, would it help if I sat over there." Lorraine pointed at a small table in the corner of the room "and did my work, would it help you to sleep if I was here? I know your mum wants to drive you home when she gets back and I know I can never rest well in a car so it might help if you can get half an hour of shut eye."
"You said you knew me when I was a baby? Did you ever hold me?" Chloe asked.
"Yes, I held you on the day you were born, and a lot of times until you moved to the east coast." Lorraine smiled.
"W...would I settle with you? When I was a baby I mean." Chloe asked.
"Yes,usually, you liked when I sang 'three craws' to you. You were the cutest wee thing."
"My mum said I was a fussy baby and would only settle with people I really trusted. So I must have trusted you. Maybe you being here would help."
Chloe tried to sleep but fitfully. Lorraine did her paperwork but stole glances at Chloe tossing and turning. "You're safe now Chloe. I'm here if you need me"

Ange took a deep breath when they arrived at the cottage. "You okay?" Fletch asked. Ange closed her eyes but nodded. "Yeah. Yeah I'll be fine." They rushed around grabbing their own things as well as Chloe's. "Are you going to be okay to drive? Can't you stay the night, you'll be driving all through the night." Fletch asked
"I have to be.I just need to get Chloe home, as far away from here as possible."
"Here." Fletch passed her a banana and pack of crisps. "You've not eaten since we stopped for lunch have you? It's almost 9pm now so that was almost 9 hours ago. You can't look after Chloe if you don't look after yourself!"
Ange unlocked her daughters car, took a look at the passenger seat then went back inside and took a bunch of pillows off the bed. She could pad the seat, it might help Chloe's pain. She'd email the woman who owned the cottage and pay for them but right now Chloe's need was greater. She wished she could magic her daughter home. She knew the car ride would be torturous but she needed to get Chloe home and safe. Ange was tired but wired running on coffee and adrenaline. But Chloe was what mattered most right now. Chloe was what mattered most always!

Ange arrived back at the SARC a few hours later. Lorraine looked at her and she looked frantic. "Angel, don't worry, she's trying to sleep I've been in here with her the whole time." She looked over to where Chloe was trying to sleep on the sofa. "Are you asleep Chloe?" Lorraine asked. "No."
"Will you be okay if I talk to your mum outside for a minute"
"I'm okay."
She stepped out of the room with Ange and closed the door behind them. "Angel did you know Chloe has been self harming?"
"Yes"
"I've given her the number of the SARC in Holby they have psychologists there. We suggest all survivors have therapy."
"I remember, you wanted me too. I didn't but then I used the councillor when I was at uni. I'll definitely encourage Chloe too."
"Angel you look exhausted. We can get you and Chloe a hotel room for the night." Lorraine said.
"No. I need to get Chloe home, as far away from here as possible. I'm a doctor. I'm used to running on empty. I just need a coffee. I'll do anything for her." Ange said.
"I know. I remember what you told me just before you moved over too the east coast. You told me that when you thought of that night you thought of Chloe and that made you happy. But when you thought Of Chloe you never thought of that night, you thought about how she'd started smiling or the sounds she made feeding or how she'd fall asleep when you sang to her. That you loved her more than anything and how she came to be ment nothing . Because she was your wee girl and you'd never stop loving her and never give up on her." Lorraine said thinking of Ange as a teen.
"I'm not sure she knows how loved she is." Ange said "that's my fault. Dominic, my first baby I don't remember if I told you about him"
"You did" Lorraine said.
"He's come back into my life and Chloe's struggled with that, and I think Evan has been putting things in her head too. I hate what I've done to her. What I've let happen to her."
"No Angel. This is not your fault! I've just had to explain this to Chloe. The only person at fault for rape is the rapist! What happened today is not your fault. What happened 30 years ago is not your fault. You've heard of victim blaming right. We don't do that here. We never blame the survivor."
"You say survivor rather than victim." Ange pointed out. "We think language matters. Victim seems like a more negative word whereas survivor has more positive connotations. A lot of people don't like to be seen as victims, we don't want it to become a self fulfilling prophecy. You are most definitely a survivor look at everything you've done. A consultant, and an amazing single mum and Chloe will rebuild her life too." Lorraine smiled "we've got some painkillers for Chloe, it can be supplemented with NSAIDs if she is really struggling to control her pain. There are some pads and witch Hazel in there too." Lorraine said handing a pharmacy bag to Ange. "Can we get the emergency contraceptive pill for her?" Ange asked. "She's had it." Lorraine answered. "She was struggling with the thought of it. Was worried about how you would react. Because if you had taken it she wouldn't exist."
"I didn't take the morning after pill because I was young and stubborn. I thought it was the wrong time of the month." Ange sighed "I mean not taking it was the best decision of my life because I have my Chloe and she...I wouldn't be without her...but I think that it...being pregnant...being a mum. It would be too much for Chloe." Ange said and Lorraine smiled at her and touched her arm encouragingly. "The SARC in Holby offer counselling for survivors families too. It's something to think about Angel. The best way you can be there for Chloe is to look after yourself."

"Come on Chloe, just a piece of toast." Ange coaxed.
"I feel sick." Chloe shook her head.
"Please Chloe." Ange cajoled. Chloe shook her head in reply.
"That's okay." Lorraine said "that's okay Chloe. I've got some cereal bars and biscuits you can take in case you get hungry on the way home. Are you sure you don't want to stay in a hotel?"
"I want to go home." Chloe said.
"Then we'll go darling."