Not the only one (formally Chloe)

Part 34

Chloe woke up and her head was spinning. She really didn't want to get out of bed but she had arranged to go on a walk with her mum and she couldn't cancel because then mum would worry . And she didn't need mum worrying. Then mum would start fussing and she didn't want that. That's why she hadn't wanted Dom to ring her mum the other week. She didn't usually have breakfast but she felt so dizzy she grabbed a banana and ate half.
She met her mum up on the downs "you look pale darling, are you okay?"
"Mum I'm always pale it's my complexion." Chloe snapped "and it's February"
"Okay, no need to snap at me. I'm your mum it's my job to worry."
"Yes but I'm an adult now, not a twelve year old." Chloe reminded her mother.
"You'll always be my wee girl though, and I'll always worry about you." Ange said causing Chloe to smile and Ange pulled her into a hug.

They chatted amicably about tv shows and music, gossiped about the staff in the hospital. "So how's Colin the cactus?" Ange joked.
"He's a little spiky but we're very happy together." Chloe replied with a giggle "and I watered him and he's still alive." Suddenly Chloe felt dizzy and grabbed onto her mother. "Wow, Chloe are you okay?" Ange asked taking hold of Chloe to steady her.
'Sorry Just a little bit dizzy"
"Have you eaten?"
"Yeah I had a banana for breakfast."
"That's not a substantial breakfast."
"You used to tell me the same when Gran gave me coco pops." Chloe said changing the subject and she carried on walking.
"I was thinking, do you remember when you were little and Auntie Aileen and Gran used to take you and all Aileen's children to that cottage up in the Trossachs near Loch Lomond. Not too far from Glasgow?"
"Yes I used to love those holidays. Auntie Aileen's children used to think I was a real life baby doll I think, when I look at the Polaroid's Gran has."
"They did. And you loved it until they all ran off and you couldn't keep up. You were the wrong age. Too little to keep up with Aileen's children and too big for the grandchildren."
"Too true," Chloe laughed. "Playing Barbies with Lilly was fine for 10 minutes but it used to fry my brain. I'm glad Michael liked building things. Lego and magnatiles I can just about cope with."
"You humoured them though. And they all love you." Ange smiled "I thought I might see if I can hire the cottage or get an air b&b not too far away. Over February half term, take you, Dom and invite fletch and the kids and your Gran."
"You might need the cottage next door too, Fletch has 4 kids right? but if I can get the time off I'd love to come. Might go across to Aberdeen first or after. See Elildh and Soph and her kids."
"That would be fun." Ange smiled encouragingly
"I face time them occasionally the little ones call me auntie Chloe but it's been ages since I've seen them in person. It would be really nice to. You know To get back to Aberdeen for a bit, just a few days." Chloe smiled then seemed to loose her balance again. "Chloe?"
"I'm fine, just a bit headachy today that's all." They weren't far from the cafe. "How about I treat you to a coffee or hot chocolate?."
"A coffee would be nice. A cappuccino. Ask if they have any soy milk or oat milk. Thanks."
Chloe sat down at a table. They sat outside. All the inside tables were taken. It was a warm day for February and they were both wrapped up well but Chloe was cold. Chloe was always cold. She had no idea how she used to manage the northern Scottish winters. With lots of fluffy socks, fleece lined tights and hot water bottles. She'd even taken a hot water bottle to school occasionally. Mrs Galbraith's office had a kettle and she always let Chloe use it. A hot water bottle was a comfort when she was anxious too.
Ange came out with a tray. Two mugs, two pieces of millionaires shortbread and two packs of crisps.
"Soya milk Cappuccino. Millionaires shortbread and a pack of salt and vinegar."
"Thanks mum. But I'm not that hungry. I'll take these home for later."
"No you won't." Ange said sternly. "You're going to sit here and eat it."
"Honestly I'm fine." Chloe snapped.
"I'm not going to let this slide anymore. You nearly fainted twice today. It's either low blood pressure or more likely low blood sugar. Sweetheart you're wasteing away. I know you've been loosing weight. And other people are noticing too. Gran at Christmas, Cam and Nicky, Dom probably other people too. You're beautiful Chloe and have always been slim."
"I'm just trying to be healthy." Chloe snapped again.
"No Chloe look at you. It's getting so far past that. You look ill. Please sweetheart eat something." Ange pleaded.
Chloe took a breath as if she was about to argue back but then seemed to change her mind and took the tinyest forkful of the shortbread. She had the urge to spit it out, but had to work hard to swallow it. After a few mouthfuls she felt full and awful. "I'm going to be sick." Chloe panicked.
"No Chloe look at me. You're not. It's just your body reacting to getting some food because you haven't been eating enough lately" Ange said calmly "keep going, you're not going to be sick." Ange produced a bottle of water from her bag. "Have some sips of water." Chloe was surprised at how much she had to struggle to swallow the cake, it felt like sawdust in her mouth. Had she really been eating so little that her body was confused by food? A tear formed in her eye, she felt disgusting. She was too big already and eating a cake. Fat pig. "You're okay Chloe." Her mum reminded her. Ange was devastated but didn't let it show. She had always been so thankful that Chloe had never struggled with her weight as a teenager. Of course she would sometimes try on a dress and ask Ange "mum does this make me look fat?" As most teenage girls would and there were times when she was so anxious that she felt nauseated so she would skip meals. But she'd been slim and healthy. She looked at Chloe now. Taking tiny forkfuls of millionaires shortbread. Chewing it for ages and looking like she was struggling to swallow and she could see Chloe's eyes filling. She wished she'd spoken to Chloe earlier. That she'd pushed the point rather than let it slide. She finished the cake "well done sweetheart." Ange smiled. "Crisps?" She asked.
"No I'm alright. I'm full." Chloe said.
"Chloe. You've just eaten a little piece of cake. You can't be full. Please eat the crisps." Ange said calmly.
"No."
"Chloe yes. Either that or I'm taking you to see Sian at Rosehill."
"I don't need to see Sian." Chloe snapped "I don't have an eating disorder I'm fine."
Sian was a friend of Ange's from medical school who'd become a psychiatrist. She was one of the few people that Ange had Chloe had known when they came to holby. She worked at Rosehill the eating disorders unit in holby.
"Chloe please." Ange pleaded. Chloe opened the pack of salt and vinegar and put one in her mouth and almost gagged. "I can't." Chloe said.
"You can." Ange said. "Chloe don't bite my head off but I'm worried about you. When we're on shift together we are going to take breaks at the same time and we are going to eat together. And if I'm not on shift I'm sure Dom would be happy to eat with you. Or Nicky or Cam."
"Don't tell Nicky and Cam." Chloe pleaded.
"I'm pretty sure they've noticed your weight loss and that you're not eating enough. Chloe do you know what this is all about. When you started eating less?" Ange asked.
Chloe's facade dropped and she started to tell the truth. "I don't know. With Evan we both were trying to get healthier. It's not about loosing weight. Just you know being healthier and having more energy and stuff. And I didn't like most of the stuff Evan made so it was just easier to not eat it, and then I think I did loose some weight and Evan was saying how much better I looked. I realised I wasn't getting hungry so I just didn't need much food." Chloe looked at the floor.
Ange sighed she hated that Chloe had been manipulated so badly by Evan that she had started to believe his lies. She knew Chloe was far better off without him, and was so glad he seemed to be over her. Or so Ange thought.
"Sweetheart, come on, you're a doctor and you know the facts. You know the calories that people need each day, you're not an exception to that. And just for the moment I want to make sure you remember that. I'm not trying to make you anxious. I just worry. I'm a mum. What is it Gran used to say to you that you always said. 'A mums job is to be annoying because they care'" Ange smiled.
"Yeah" Chloe said clearly still feeling sick and anxious and wringing her hands.
"How about you finish that pack of crisps then come back to mine. Have a look at Netflix- or Disney plus"
"So long as I get to choose the film." Chloe asked
"Deal."