Not the only one (formally Chloe)

Chapter 22

Chloe was sat on the bench outside the hospital waiting for her mother. She was going round to hers tonight. She had lots of questions she knew it would be emotional but she needed answers. "Hey"
"Hi Mum."
"I thought we could pick up something to eat on the way home. Pizza, Chinese? What do you fancy?" Ange asked.  
"Oh I don't mind. Whatever." Chloe mumbled.
They got a wagamamas takeaway. Ange thought that maybe Chloe would be more likely to eat something that was slightly healthier than a greasy pizza.
"Is that all you're eating?" Ange asked as matter of factly as possible. She wasn't sure if any of it had even passed Chloe's lips.
"Not hungry." Chloe muttered. "Look mum, can we talk, like really talk, about everything that's happened lately, Dom and all that stuff, and can you promise to tell me the truth, even if you think it will upset me?"
"If you will stay the night here so I can make sure you're safe, mentally, emotionally?"
"Ok," they sat on the same couch, leaning against the arms, facing each other.
"Then ok. Chloe I know I made some wrong decisions but I never meant to hurt you. I love you more than you could ever know. I want you to know that, ok." Ange started.
"Did you recognise Dom, who he was as soon as you saw him?" Chloe asked to start.
"No, not at all, as far as I was concerned Dom was still in Scotland. I had no idea who he was until I saw Carole. I always imagined that I'd recognise my son if I saw him but I didn't."
"Why did you give him up?"
"I was 14, I could barely look after myself and a goldfish let alone a baby. I kept him for a few months but your Gran and Grandpa convinced me to give him up. I couldn't give him the life he deserved and I needed to live my life. Imagine me dropping him of at primary 1 still in my teens...." she trailed off.
"Do you regret giving him up?"
"It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. Except well.." she trailed off again but Chloe knew what she was referring to, Chloe's own conception. Ange's rape, but Ange repeated herself "one of the hardest things but no, I don't regret it. Look at Dom, he's amazing, as are you Chloe, his parents Carole and Barry obviously did an amazing job bringing him up. I thought about him every day wondering where he was, what he was up to, whether I made the right decision, but I know, now, that I did." Ange finished. Chloe wanted to ask if she regretted keeping Chloe but she was too scared of what the answer might be. "Why didn't you tell me?" She asked instead. "There were so many times I nearly did, but the longer I left it the harder it was. When you were little. In primary I didn't tell you because you were always doing projects on your families and such. If I'd have told you, you'd have told everyone and I was.. I'm not sure I just didn't want to have to explain to all the parents in the playground all about my past . We moved to Arbroath when you were a few months old for a new start, away from Polloksheilds, away from Glasgow even, and away from the past. And when you were older I made up so many different scenarios in my head for what Dom... or Darren as he was, would be doing, and I know you, you've always been such a perfectionist and competitive, and I love you for that not blaming you but you'd be trying to live up to an unattainable target because we didn't know what he was like...do you understand what I'm trying to say, it's hard to articulate." Ange asked her daughter.
"I think so, like I wouldn't be able to live up to Dom because you didn't know what he was like and he could be perfect...but perfection is impossible kind of." Chloe said slowly, also struggling to find the worlds. But She continued "like if i was sulking or in a strop.. you only knew Dom as a baby who didn't have stroppy teenage hormones. So if I was sulky he'd seem better because you'd never seen him like that. You're right it's so hard to put into words, but I think I understand, you can't measure up to an invisible bar."
"Exactly," Ange said and repeated her daughter "you can't measure up to an invisible bar...then I thought about telling you when I told you about your conception, but seeing how distressed that made you...not that I'm blaming you at all...I didn't want to give you any more to cope with, you already had far too much to process as a girl. I thought there would never be a need. I'm not trying to say any of this Is ok, just to explain my thought processes to you." Ange finished.
"But what about when you found out, in holby?" Chloe pressed.
"I needed some time, myself, to process it. There's no handbook for 'when you find out that your colleague and friend turns out to be the baby you gave up for adoption.' And then. I don't know. I worry about you Chloe. I wanted to find the right time... I know that there's probably not a right time. I worried it would unsettle you. After Holly and then you broke up with Evan for a bit. I was honestly going to tell you the day you found out. That's why I invited you for sushi. I wanted to tell you that evening. Explain everything. I know I should have told you earlier. I'm sorry" Ange said.
"Do you know his dad?" Chloe asked.
"I sneaked down to London for a Wham concert, ended up in a squat, he was a posh boy  from Cheltenham in his 20s. I was just a kid from Glasgow. We had a wonderful night, but it was never going to be any more than that. I wouldn't even know him if I passed him in the street. He doesn't know Dom exists and never will." Ange looked down.
"Did you love him. Dom's dad." Chloe looked at her mum who stayed silent. She'd hoped Chloe wouldn't ask that question. She looked her daughter in the eyes "the truth mum, please. I can cope." Chloe pleaded.
"It was naive, and I was young, but yes I suppose, to me. It was love." She looked at Chloe.  Her expression was unreadable, so Ange continued. "I didn't realise I was pregnant until I was about 6 months. It's not something you think about when you're 14 and I think a lot of it was denial too. If I didn't think about it, then it wasn't happening. I didn't tell my mum your Gran until I was 7 months. I was barely showing and could easily hide under big hoodies. I was terrified. I thought she'd be mad, but she was just amazing. Pragmatic, and she just hugged me and told me we would figure it out."
"Gran can figure everything out" Chloe smiled as she always did when the thought about her darling Gran.
"I didn't have many options but mum booked me in for a scan the next day. The midwifes were awful calling me all sorts of names, so much so I was scared to give birth in the hospital. I was at home when my waters broke. I was having period like cramps for the previous few days, but I just took ibuprofen and had no idea that it was early labour. Your grandpa was working away and your Gran was going to Autie Aileen  because it was uncle Alan. That was Aunty Aileen's husband, he died a year later, cancer, but it was uncle Alan's birthday, your gran told me to ring her if anything happened or if I just wanted her home she'd come. It was pain like I'd never felt before, so intense, indescribable. I don't think I could have phoned my mum if I'd tried." Ange took a deep breath remembering how traumatic Dom's birth had been. He was born safe and well but she was just a child going through one of the hardest experiences on earth screaming in pain on the bathroom floor, terrified and alone.
"You were on your own?" Chloe asked "you must have been so scared."
"I was." Ange said feeling tears prickle here eyes which she blinked back. "I was probably alone for 17 or 18 hours. Mum came home then. I was in transition, I though I was dying, but then my mum came home and I knew it would all be ok. I was screaming at her to not ring an ambulance or take me to hospital, and she just sat with me, cooling me down with wet towels and holding my hand and then he was in my arms. She took me to the hospital then but I had a lovely nurse and doctor check me over and give me stitches. I had to stay in a couple of days but everyone was lovely then." She looked at Chloe who looked shocked
"I should have researched labour, although there was no internet or way for me to do it easily. And I should have rang my mum as soon as my waters broke and I should have let her take me to hospital. I tried looking after Dom for a few months, but it was never going to work. I should have been doing my homework and going window shopping with my friends so in the end giving him up was the best option."
"Was it better, with me?" Chloe asked.
"Yes and no." Ange said "I had much more support, and everything happened in hospital. My mum was there, and Lorraine, she was from the SARC. A social worker or maybe police officer, I'm not sure. The hospital knew about my situation so anything and everything was my choice. Midwifes are all about choice now but they weren't so much back then. And I had pain relief that helped." Ange smiled wryly. "It was just hard. I wouldn't let a male doctor or nurse anywhere near me but they understood and were really good with telling me everything they were doing, and then I had the most beautiful little baby in my arm and you opened your eyes to look at me as if you say hi mummy, it was love at first sight. And a month later we were living on the other side of the country, away from the hard memories, Still with my mum and dad, and I had you the most precious sweetest wee thing. My little Chloe." Ange said smiling at her daughter. "Why did you name me Chloe?"
"Well I didn't want you to have a name like mine. I was always teased with a name like Angel, and it doesn't sound very grown up. That's why I go by Ange now. Sounds like it should be short for Angela or something. I wanted you to have a more usual name, and not a Gaelic name that you'd have to spend half your life spelling out of you ever decided to move out of Scotland, and I'd always like the name Chloe."
"Fair enough." Chloe smiled. "I can't imagine myself with any other name to be honest."
"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Her mum smiled.
"Are you quoting Shakespeare at me?" Chloe laughed.
"Yes. Anyway your turn. What do you remember about being little in Arbroath?"
"Bits," Chloe remembered. She had lived with her grandparents in Arbroath until she was 10 when they all moved to Aberdeen, but her and her mum were a few minutes walk away from her grandparents then. "You went to medical school when I was a baby right. To Edinburgh?"
"Yes." Ange replied "I stayed with you at Grans for over a year to bond with you and and resit some of my highers. I originally did them when I was pregnant with you. I was planning to get a job in Arbroath and save for a house for us but your Gran was always telling me the best thing I could do, for both myself and you was got to mes school like I'd always planned. So I did and Edinburgh was the closest."
"I remember when you used to come home." Chloe said "and you'd take me to really awesome places, the beach or we'd take the train to Dundee to go shopping, and I loved the wildlife centre and the science centre. And all the farm parks."
"My little animal lover." Ange smiled at the memories of her daughter running round the wildlife centre wanting to see every animal. Spending hours in the area where you could cuddle the small animals and go into the goat enclosure. Despite her Gran having a dog at home. "If I wasn't a doctor I'd be one of those crazy people with a house full of pets." Chloe laughed. "I remember watching the football on the TV every weekend with Grandpa, Rangers of course. And him taking me on costal walks. Even in the pouring rain and freezing cold. And I remember when you started working in Dundee some days after med school and could occasionally pick me up from school and would take me for a hot chocolate on the way home, but mostly I remember Gran. Always being there and I remember being loved and happy. I loved living in Arbroath but I'm glad we moved to Aberdeen. I could be more anonymous there, I liked that. And I met Fi and then Sophie and Eilidh at secondary school. I wouldn't have got through school without Fi."
"Fiona was a great friend for you." Ange smiled. "She still is, she came over and surprised me for a night a few months back."
"Oh you never said, that must have been nice. Is she still living in Barcelona?"
"Yeah, hopefully at some point I can go visit her, if Jac ever lets me have some leave." She rolled her eyes.
"Is she overworking you?" Ange asked worriedly. "I'm a doctor, no more overworked than any other doctor." Chloe laughed.
"Sorry Chloe," Ange said and realised this was a good time to bring up her fears about Chloe's weight. "I worry about you. I'm your mum, it's my job. Talking of this Chloe, your Gran was worried that you were loosing weight. I'm worried too. Are you eating?"
"Of course I am. It's like I said to Gran, I'm just trying to cut down on refined sugar and caffeine. You know grab a banana rather than a chocolate bar or a green tea or water rather than coffee or coke. It's just a health thing not a weight loss thing, I'm eating just as much as before." Chloe said, but as she said it realised that it wasn't exactly true. She loved food but if Evan gave her something tasteless that she didn't like, as most of the meals on this new health kick were, she wouldn't eat much of it. But she didn't let on to her mum. "Ok." Ange smiled "then you'll be pleased to know I've got two single chocolate fudge cakes in the fridge." Chocolate fudge cakes had always been Chloe's absolute favourite. "They're full of sugar mum. I'm okay."
"Chloe, your allowed a cheat meal every so often. They are your favourites. If your eating well then have a chocolate fudge cake." Her mother said.
"Are you testing me?" Chloe asked suspiciously.
"No I'm treating you." Her mum countered.
"Ok fine, just don't tell Evan." Chloe said. Ange was concerned that she was scared of her boyfriend finding out that she'd had some cake but she was just relived that Chloe had actually eaten something!

Not long later Chloe said she was tired and had a shower. She felt awful. How could she have allowed herself to eat cake. She was discussed at herself. Thinking of all the fat and sugar in that fudge cake. She grabbed the razor she kept in the wash bag she kept at her mums, pushed it hard into her skin and pulled. She deserved this pain and this hurt as punishment for eating that damn cake. She deserved it.

Her mum knocked lightly on the spare room door. "Come in." Chloe said. She'd put toilet tissue on her cuts and her pjs on top. "I just wanted to say thank you for being so honest with me tonight. I know some of what I said must have been hard for you, and the questions must have been hard for you to ask too. I'm so glad we had this chat and you felt able to talk to me, if there's ever anything else you want to talk about, or you want to stay here, you know where I am. "Night Chloe. I love you."
"Love you too mum."