Oxford Boys

28. need to talk

Damn the pounding of Evans is getting louder, he's not going to give in before Jake opens the door. Does he know I am here? Has he been to my place? Did he even see Jake carrying me into his bedroom?

"For fucks sake, Jake. I know you are there. Open up, I'm not leaving!"

Jake is giving me a worried look and I can't quite figure out what is causing this look? Is he afraid of losing another friend because of me?

"Jake he's your friend, I don't want you to lose another one because of me. You should talk to him. And I need to talk to him too."

The defeated look on Jake's face hurts me. No idea what's going on in his mind right now, but he looks hurt and afraid. With all the shit we've been through, I don't want him to feel this way. After giving me a long look, he gets up, puts on some pants and leaves the room. My heart starts pounding as he leaves without saying one word or even turning around to look at me. Is he already regretting whatever this is between the two of us?

Worried I grab my stuff, get dressed quickly and take a peek out of the door. As no one is looking my direction I head for his bathroom, hoping to get there without being seen.

"Sam? What the fuck is going on here?", Evans's voice appears. Obviously, I didn't make it to sneak across without being seen.

Caught, I turn to face him and see how his face drops. "You spent the night with him? I do one stupid mistake and you run straight into Jake's arms? Please tell me I am dreaming, as I can't believe what I'm seeing right now."

My jaw drops and I don't know what to say.

"Fuck I knew you still liked him, it was written on your face every time he was close. Yeah fuck we even talked about it. I just can't believe you fell for him so easily after all he put you through. Jake doesn't deserve you."

"Oh, and you do? Come on, you fucked around too, before Sam appeared", Jake's angry voice booms through the room.

"Yes, and I never lied about it to her. But you broke her once and you are going to break her again. You even took fucking advantage of her last night being drunk and vulnerable after our fight. That's a fucking dick move, you know?"

All colour fades out of Jake's face and guilt is written all over it. Is this really so bad for him? Does he think I would have decided differently if all that hadn't been? I mean I told him this morning and we had sex after that, how can he still be doubting? His hands run through his hair and he isn't answering Evans instead is walking back and forth through the room.

"See you even know it", Evans starts before I go in between.

"Stop Evans, Jake even tried to push me away, tried to stop me from doing anything. It was me who made the step and pushed him", his eyes open wide, he looks me deep in the eyes to see if I am telling the truth.

"Is this because I messed up so bad last night? Sam I am sorry I screamed out about your rape in front of all the others. I really shouldn't have done that. It's been on my mind all night and I feel so bad about doing that. Even if it is no excuse, I was simply out of my mind. You know how much I like you, never ever would I hurt you purposely."

As much as it hurt and I am worried how the others will now think about me, I know he didn't want to hurt me. It doesn't change the fact though that he did. But I'd be a hypocrite to forgive Jake and stay angry with Evans for something which is nowhere near as bad as what Jake did to me.

"And I never wanted to hurt you." My voice breaks as I feel my own pain and guilt wash over me. "Evans until last night I was such a mess because I like you a lot, and then there was Jake on the other hand. The thing is I didn't want to like Jake after all that happened, I was fighting it with all my might. Last night I realized the reason I was so messed up, was because I liked Jake more than anyone else in my life, I just didn't want it. The denying my own feelings was what has been really messing with me. I wanted it to be you, you are great Evans and I don't want to lose you. Fuck I know I am a selfish bitch", tears start leaking down my face, "Even only knowing you so short, you are already deep in my heart and I don't want to let go of you. I'm a bad person for wanting both of you in my life."