Desire

THE PAST (2 Years Ago)

SIXTEEN|San's P.O.V

*Warning extreme use of alcohol and attempted self-harm*

Sitting there in the waiting room, the noise around me became muffled and the people became invisible. My thoughts started to race as if they were going 90 miles per hour. My heartbeat was no longer stable, and neither was my mindset. All that could enter my mind was pessimistic thoughts, all hopeful thoughts were thrown away like garbage. Running my hair hand through my hair, which became my new nervous habit, I sighed at the thought of my grandmother passing away. Tears already streaming down my eyes, my face started to somewhat burn at the feeling in more tears hitting my cheeks.

No one was with me which made the feeling more intense. Jaebeom said he would be working late tonight, so that meant I will have to endure whatever twisted fate I have on my own. My parents were on a business vacation in the states like always. My sister was away at college, she would be in the morning though. My grandfather already past a year ago. My other family were too far way to be here. So I was truly alone, I had no one but my grandmother.

Remembering the times we spent together I tried to calm the doubtful thoughts in my head that was taking over me.

***

"San I'm so proud of you. You rode your bike from all the way over there to here. Last time we tried this you could barely get out the driveway without clinging onto me." She smiled in approval while bringing me into a nurturing hug.

"Yeah, I practiced when you let me come outside by myself. I wanted to make you proud." I smiled back, mines going ear to ear.

"So determined at nine. You're going to be so smart, I can't wait to see you grow up into a handsome young man. Go to High School. Go to College. Get married. Have kids." She grabbed my hand and led me back to the house.

Yanking my hand away, I frowned in disgust, "But grandma girls are icky."

She burst into laughter, and bent down to my level to cuff my cheeks and smiled brightly. "Well just remember, it doesn't matter who you end up with. I will always support you no matter what."

"Hmm?" I tilt my head in confusion not understanding what she meant.

"Don't worry Sannie. That's something you will understand once you get older. Now what do you want for lunch." She asked making her way towards the refrigerator.

***

Tears rolling down my cheeks once again I couldn't help, but laugh to my self. So naive. So young. My grandmother was my number one supporter. Especially when I came gay, no one but her fully supported me. others tried to ignore, and hold me to their own standards. I love her more than anything in this world, and if she dies I'm pretty sure it would be the death of me.

"Are you the grandson?" I heard very high pitched sweet voice ask.

Nodding my head, and standing up she handed me an envelope. Explaining all that went on during the surgery. All I could grasp at the moment was that my number one supporter was now gone, and nothing mattered to me.

Grabbing the envelope, I made my way towards the exit of the hospital and felt myself breaking. As I got in the car I tried to call Jaebeom, but he didn't answer. Driving past the speed limit I finally made it to his apartment, which is where I lived also.

As I made my way to the door I unlocked it, and noticed he still wasn't home. It was past 3 o'clock in the morning, and I know for a fact he still wasn't at work. Hoping the past wouldn't repeat it self I sat down on the couch and decided to wait for him to get home. I grabbed a bottle of Soju and downed it like it was water, and decided to get another one.

An hour later I heard the door unlock and saw Jaebeom stumble in along with another guy. All that could be heard within this moment was lips smacking together, and heavy breathing. As soon as the other guy tore off Jaebeom's shirt, and smashed the bottle of alcohol on the table causing pieces of glass to go everywhere. Causing the two to jump in a terrified manner, I stood up with my third bottle and walked close to the door.

"I'll get my stuff later. Obviously we're done." I stormed, slamming the door behind me.

Hearing Jaebeom storm off behind me, I rolled my eyes and walked faster almost stumbling over due to all the alcohol.

"I'm not allowing you to drive in this state. Please come back inside." He pleaded while grabbing my arm.

Yanking it away from his grip, I turned towards him and exposed my tearful face, "You, I was waiting on you to get home so you could comfort me! My grandmother just died less than three hours ago!"

His grip suddenly loosening, and his facial expression went blank. The regret and sorrow possessed his face, but all I could do is shake my head and get in the car.

Speeding off, I swerved from one lane to the next before getting in the right one. As soon as I made my way to my destination I rushed out the car. Looking at the calming water flow one side to another, I closed my eyes. Feeling as if I had no type of purpose in life I cried even harder. I put my hands on the rail of the bridge, and looked down taking a deep breath.

"Hey you idiot what are you doing!" I heard someone yell. Looking back I saw a guy, who couldn't be much shorter than me, wearing a black adidas baseball hat with a oversized hoodie and joggers. I could barely see his face, but I could tell he was concerned and angry.

Ignoring him I turned back to the water, and tried my best to escape my thoughts. Feeling my body being yanked, I was now pulled into a hug with this stranger. He patted my back and sighed, "It's all going to be okay. Whatever it is you can make it through it. Someone needs you, and if not now I know for sure someone will need to meet you. You have a purpose and a reason to live okay. Please don't jump."

Holding on to this stranger, who words were like a shinning light to me, I hugged him tighter. Somehow that was all I needed to hear.

"I don't know what it is that you're going though, but you don't have to tell me if you're not comfortable. You do look older than me, so it would be inappropriate for me to give you my number. You see I'm only in high school." He explained.

"Really? You're very wise for your age, but thank you anyway. You really helped me. I just needed to hear that I mattered, and I didn't have anyone at all to tell me that." I let go, and shook his hand showing my appreciation.

After we parted, I looked at the time and realized it was already 6:15 in the morning. The blueness of the sky was partly showing along with a streak of purple and pink, and you could still see the moon. Realizing it was time to go get my sister from the airport I quickly got in the car.