Before I Go

Chapter 9- 3. Get a Cat

3. Get a cat.

"What's this?" asks Ash, picking up my list. I'm immediately embarrassed once I recognize what she's holding. Today really isn't my day, huh? First, my new and only friend walks in on me at my most vulnerable, and now... well, now she's reading my bucket list.

"Oh, it's um... it's a list of things I wanna do before the end of senior year..." I say, not exactly lying, but also not telling the whole truth. As much as Ashton has proved that I can trust her completely, I can't convince myself to bare my entire soul to her. Especially after what she just witnessed in my bathroom. No, I can't let her know the extent of how massively screwed up I am. It makes me feel incredibly nervous that she has my list, knowing that she's going to read it. My skin lights on fire as my nerves explode beneath the surface. They quickly erupt into a widespread fear that nearly consumes my entire being as I wonder if Ashton will see through the intentions behind the piece of paper in her hands.

"I see that you completed numbers one and two already. That's great, Morgan! I bet it was hard to get out of your comfort zone like that. Have you done number three yet?" Ashton says, her eyes scanning over the list as if it has no existential significance. It's just a piece of paper in her eyes, filled with a number of seemingly unimportant things.

I shake my head, the truth at the tip of my tongue. I don't particularly trust my mouth not to blab it to her at the moment.

"I can help you with that!" she exclaims excitedly. "If you don't wanna do it today, that's fine. We could go down to the shelter Monday after school and pick out a cat together. I just love fluffy little kitties!" Her joy seems to bubble over, almost contagiously; it sends a gust of secondhand happiness through me. It's an unfamiliar feeling, and I can't quite describe how it makes me feel.

"Um... yeah, that sounds great," I reply, giving her a small smile.

"I'm so excited! I can't wait!" Ashton's cheery voice says. "I can drive us. Are you okay with that? With being in a car with someone who has never driven you before? I know that can be a hard thing to deal with."

"Y-yeah, I think it will be o-okay," I stutter, noting the genuine concern behind the question. It's strange to feel so cared for. So understood. And to have my feelings validated and cared about.

"Perfect," Ash says with a brighter, broader smile. "You just let me know if you decide it's not okay, and we'll walk or something. Please, don't be afraid to tell me when something is too much for you."

I nod my head, agreeing to tell her if something is not okay. Having a friend is weird, if I'm honest. But having one who knows about and understands my condition is weirder than weird... and yet, heartwarming at the same time. I guess I can't complain.

After school on Monday, Ashton and I get into her car so she can drive us to the animal shelter. I'm so anxious about being in the car with someone new that I think I might throw up. What if Ash is a horrible driver? What if we crash or something? Or if I have a panic attack in her car...? This probably wasn't a great idea; maybe we should have just walked. My stomach rolls and I can feel my lunch threatening to come back up. My hands are clammy, and my throat is burning. I squeeze my eyes shut, instructing my body to calm down. Focusing on my breathing, I inhale deeply through my nose, afraid to open my mouth in case my stomach contents decide to make an appearance. I definitely would have preferred walking...

"Hey, you okay, Morgan?" Ashton asks, glancing at me from the corner of her eye. I can tell she's worried about me. I probably look like a complete moron, with my hand tightly gripping the door handle and my head between my knees.

"Um... uh, y-yeah..." I mumble, trying to convince myself that it's true while simultaneously easing Ash's discomfort over my obvious distress.

Crap. That sounded stupid. And it sounded the opposite of "okay."

Get a grip, Morgan!

I take another deep breath and tell myself that I'm okay, sending up a silent prayer that it will work. That the nausea I currently feel will fade, and the fear will slow. That I'll really be okay.

"Do you need me to pull over?" Ash asks. "Maybe it will help to get out of the car for a bit."

I shake my head. I don't think I'd be able to stand right now, anyway, with the way my legs are shaking. "No... I think I can make it... thank you, though," I quietly say.

"Okay," replies Ash, "just let me know if you change your mind."

We make it to the animal shelter in one piece because Ash isn't really as horrible a driver as my anxiety tells me she is, and I mostly manage to keep the fear at bay. I exit the car with wobbly knees, and I'm temporarily terrified that I might faceplant onto the cement. Ashton stands beside me, patiently waiting until I gain my composure. She doesn't say a word as I talk myself into calming slightly; she just stays by my side until I'm ready. She's an angel in disguise, I swear. Once inside the shelter, Ashton and I are immediately surrounded by the sounds of cats meowing and yipping dogs.

I love it here. Ooh, I'm so excited!

Unable to contain ourselves any longer, we hurry to find the source of the mewing. After all, it is the reason we're here in the first place. Ashton and I pick out the cutest, fluffiest, chubbiest kitten in the whole shelter.

I think I might be in love with him... Yep, he's definitely coming home with me. Oh, he's so freaking cute!

"What are you gonna name him?" Ash asks, gently scratching the fluffy furball behind the ear.

"Hmm... I think Doofy suits him," I reply, my eyes never leaving the little baby in my arms. "Oh, he's such a pretty princess!"

Ashton smiles and says, "We could get him a tiara if you want."

"I think a tiara is a little much... but he's still a princess," I tell her, returning the smile.