All That You Will

Thirty-two

Month of September, year 2015
Stockholm, Sweden

TO SOMETHING CHANGE is the one I'm mostly scared about ever since. I learned to accept being wrapped around change. I hate it more than anything because change for me is the most powerful ever to happen. It's all in there. The feeling of being left behind, the feeling of being lost, the doubts. It's all in there.

It could be positive or negative but how cruel the destiny is for me.

I've always been afraid of change. I hate changes so much. For so long, I've been staying on that belief of mine. For so long, I stayed the same. The same Siena. And it sucks to realize now that everyone around me is changing and I'm just here observing. Am I moving in life? Am I growing?

Did destiny choose that one of us will change? That some of the things we used to do will change in an instant leading us into this where we are both apart? That I have to run away? The more some things change the more things stay the same. I think that's the true essence.

I did change my perspective for a change. I made a better outlook for it and yes, change made me happy. It totally changed the way my life is running. It changed far better than it used to but I didn't know that change will also be the one that will break me. I just have to regain and redeem and I will be back again.

I will be better for me and for the ones I love. This is for my two Zels. But I must say that I'm more than content with what I have right now here in Sweden with my son, Azel. I am happily contented but I must also admit that I'm always after for what's better and not for the worst. I still can't help but think of the past—or what we could've been today. I guess that's how life always runs.

Sometimes I just think of forgetting him but as much as I think and wish of forgetting him, I know deep down that I never will ever do that. He resonates with my heartbeat. My heart still beats for him.

I wouldn't ever forget Morpheus, being a lovely person was the sweetest revenge and key for me to get out of the cage built for me for years by my parents.

I took back the case I filed against him but it doesn't change the fact that I suspected my husband, gave him false allegations, and even wanting to put him in jail. How cruel was that? I can't still forget how I made use of the justice system in the Philippines and my family's connection just to successfully do my decision that time. I was lack of evidence yet we made a way to file a case against him.

I am ready to grow the moment we were about to get married—the moment I fell in love with him. Marriage is about growing together and I was not forcing myself to grow that time because I want to grow for myself with Morpheus and the reason mainly is Morpheus. But I'm thinking if I ever grew at least quite a bit?

I heave a deep sigh as I answer the call of Misuzo on my phone that's currently placed on the marbled circular table.

"It's Taco Tuesday!" Misuzo says on the other line.

"And?" I reply.

"God, Siena. Of course, we'll come over to your place and eat tacos. Just bake us some cinnamon rolls, the tacos are on us. That would be a great deal."

"Okay, deal even if my oven is overuse because of you all!"

Misuzo laughs. "We'll get there in one. Bye!"

"Bye!" I say and end the call

Stockholm is the place where I carried my son and as for my mom's request that I declined that she'll live with me here, of course, she didn't follow and instead, stood by my side and live with me for about a year before she went back to the Philippines. My family visit us here once a month and also my friends.