After The Reasons

What If The World Doesnt Deserve My Kindness?

The streets of Crestmont pain me. No matter where I look, I see them. This town fills my mind with memories from long ago and I don't know how to block them out. All my life I've been taught to be kind to others, no matter what, no matter how cruel they are to you, you be the bigger person, you be kind. But what if the world doesn't deserve my kindness? What if the world hasn't done anything to claim my kindness? What i want to give the world a taste of its own bitter medicine, what if I want the rest of the world to hurt along with me? Does that make me a bad person? The rain pours over my head, running over my entire body. It's cold, I know it's cold, but I can't feel it. All I can feel is this raw, burning sensation inside of my chest, trying to take over my everything. It's like the sorrow we feel for losing somebody is just the price that we must pay for having them in our lives. That's not fucking fair. For four years, when I was away, I rarely missed Hannah. I always thought about her, I always thought about what my life would be like if she had never killed herself, but I rarely missed her. Wanting somebody and missing somebody are two completely different things. I always thought of Justin. I always miss Justin. Every single day, something happens that I want to tell him about, I miss him, and I want him back. Everyday I miss my brother. Everyday I have this hole in my chest, it aches and burns and I don't know how to make it stop. Hell, I don't even know if it will ever stop! It's like the only thing I can ever think of is him, and it's painful. The streets are empty, not a soul around. I pull my phone out of my pocket and I look at it. His face stares up at me, smiling. I swipe the Lock Screen up and the photo hides behind the apps on the screen, but he is still there. I hit the call app and scroll through the contacts until I reach 'Justin Foley'. I hit the contact and press call. 'Hey it's Justin, I'm busy now so leave a message or some shit.' Echos through the speaker into my ear. My eyes burn with tears and my heart feels like its about to crack into a million pieces. The beep at the end goes off and then stops, recording my voicemail. "Justin... I fucking miss you man. I miss you." I say and quickly hang up. I slip the phone back into my pocket and walk across the street. The Crestmont. Hannah and I worked here one summer. I walk around the side and sit down on the bench. I look to my left, and I see her. She's wearing her work uniform and her hair is long and curly, with the top part swept back into a hair tie. "Hannah..." I whisper, looking at her. She smiles at me, "Clay...". She is beautiful. She has always been so fucking beautiful, but she never saw it. "When are you going to stop torturing yourself?" Hannah asks. I swallow hard and turn my head to the floor. "I can't." I squeeze out through my closing throat. "Clay..." she says softly. "Hannah, I can't stop loving you. I can't stop loving you! I don't know how too!" I exclaim with tears running down my face. "Love is stronger than death. Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death Clay." She states. It's such a Hannah thing to do, quote. "Which famous quote is that?" I ask her with a half smile. "You don't need to stop loving me, Clay. You just need to know how to live whilst you love me." Hannah says, rather than answering my questions. "Or you could forget me." She adds. I snap my head around to face her, forget her? "Trying to forget you is like trying to forget your first house, Hannah. You lived there for so long, you know everything about it by heart. And sure you've moved on and found your dream home, but no matter what, you'll always remember the address." I say, hoping she will understand. "Could you just forget me?" I ask her, slightly bitterly. She looks into my eyes and smiles softly, "never." Her smile doesn't falter. "Then you understand why I can never forget about you." I say, turning my head away from her. I feel her hand on my shoulder, then I feel it dissolve away from me. She's gone again. My heart hurts and I let my guard go, losing myself in the pain. "I fucking hate this world!!!" I shout and kick at a stone. I turn around and I see a figure standing, watching me. "What?!" I spit. The figure emerges from the shadows and the light comes over his face, it's Bryce Walker. My tears stop and my breathing starts to slow down. "Bryce?" I ask, confused. "Hey buddy!" He says with a smile. His smile is unsettling and it makes a great fear rise from deep inside of me. "I thought you could use a pal." He adds. "And what, you're that 'pal'?" I ask him. Bryce half laughs and takes a step or two towards me, keeping his smile. "It's been a while since we had a catch-up! Why don't you sit down, Clay?" He says gesturing towards the bench. "I'm alright where I am, Bryce." He shrugs his shoulders and slumps himself down onto the bench and crosses his arms over his chest. "How was college?" He asks. I don't answer. Why is Bryce Walker here? I understand why Hannah and Justin appear, but why Bryce? "You didn't enjoy it very much did you?" He adds in a tone that I don't like. "You couldn't do anything other than feel sorry for yourself, could you?" My hand wipes my face, from my nose to my chin. The pain inside of me is starting to turn to red hot anger. "Fuck off Bryce." I spit. "I'm only here because you want me here, Clay. I'm just a figment of your imagination. So... why do you want me here?" Bryce asks, leaning forward. "I don't!" He sighs and leans back on the bench, putting both his arms up on the back. "Try again." He says.