After The Reasons

She didn't realise how perfect she was.

You know the feeling that you get when you hear someone's voice and you forgot how it sounded and then all of a sudden, you hear it again? The feeling of remembering something that you hadn't actually realised you had lost. I hold the phone to my ear and don't say a word. My entire body has frozen, this is not who I was expecting to answer the phone to... this is probably the last voice I'd ever expect to hear after all these years. "Is this Clay Jensen?" I hear from the other end of the line once again. "Yes. Yeah, this is Clay Jensen." I say in a very distant voice, not knowing what to do. If this is who i think it is... it can't be, can it? "I heard that you were back in Crestmont, and it just so happens that i am also back in Crestmont!" I am almost one hundred percent sure that this is exactly who I think it is, but i don't want to assume. "You don't remember me, do you?" They ask. "I do, I think. If this is who i think it is, then yes, I remember." I say. Jessica looks at me confused, clearly wondering who the hell could be not he phone. "It is who you think it is, Clay." They say. There's no way... it can't be! "Mrs Baker?" I ask. Jessica's eyes widen and her mouth falls open, she is just as shocked as i am right now. "See, you do remember me!" She says with a laugh. "I know this is totally weird for you, after six years I'm calling and asking to meet for coffee. But, I've missed you Clay. I would really like to see you and have a catch up, if you're up for it?" Mrs Baker asks. The last time that I seen Olivia Baker was the day of Hannah's funeral, she was leaving for New York. Hannah had always wanted to move to New York so Olivia decided that she was going to go and live the dream for Hannah. "Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Coffee sounds great!" I say as happily as I possibly can. "Great! You could come to my house if you want? Montes isn't available, there was a huge shooting earlier on which I'm sure you have already heard about." She says. "Actually, why don't you come to mine?" I blurt out. Oh shit. I didn't think about that before i offered, i really didn't think about that one! I have nothing against Olivia Baker, nothing at all! But it has been a very long time since i have seen her, a lot has happened since Mrs Baker left Crestmont six years ago. "Perfect!" Mrs Baker exclaims from the other end of the line. "Okay. Same house, tomorrow?" I ask. "I'll be there, tomorrow at noon." She agrees. I swallow hard, "Ill see you then. Bye Mrs Baker." She says goodbye and the lines goes dead. I slowly remove the phone from against my ear and slide it back into my pocket. "Mrs Baker? As in Olivia Baker?!" Jessica asks. I nod my head and gulp. "Clay, you're having coffee with Mrs Baker..." Jessica says, knowing exactly what I'm thinking right now. "I'm having coffee with Olivia Baker." I say, trying to process this.  "Who is Olivia Baker?" Heidi asks, snapping me from my train of thought. How do i explain to my girlfriend that I'm going to go meet the mother of the girl that i was in love with for so long even though that girl is dead? I'm not sure how to have that conversation... fuck. "Olivia Baker is...Hannah Baker's mom." I say, praying that she doesn't freak out. Heidi's eyebrows raise and then she smiles brightly. "That's amazing!" Heidi grins. She is totally okay with it. I will never understand how I have gotten that girl, she is just the best person ever and I love her so fucking much, i can't even explain. "I love you." I say and look at her. She smiles and her eyes sparkle, "I love you, too." I don't deserve her, i really don't deserve her. "Clay!" Jessica snaps her fingers in front of my face. "Mrs Baker!" She exclaims. I am actually going to have coffee with Hannah's mom... it'll be fine. "I'm having coffee with Olivia Baker... I'm having coffee with Hannah's mom." I say as normal as i possibly can. "You are sure about this?" Jessica asks, noticing that I'm really not sure how i feel. "I have no fucking idea." I say. I am so in love with Heidi. There's no doubt about that, Heidi Stevens is my future, she is going to be my wife and mother of my children. I love her so, so much. But i loved Hannah, i loved Hannah Baker a lot. The hardest part about Hannah is that we never got the try, we never got our chance to be together. Maybe if Hannah and I had gotten a chance, she would still be alive and I'd be saying all these things about Hannah and not Heidi... or maybe we wouldn't have worked and it would have all been a waste of time. But i wish that i had gotten the chance to see what Hannah and Clay felt like. I take a couple of steps to my right and move a couple of things from the unit in between the two beds, and pull out the photo. I put the photo to the back when Ani and I started dating so that she wouldn't have to look at me and Hannah every time she came into my room. I hold the photo in my hands and stare at it. I will never be able to explain how perfect that night was, holding her close to me. Hannah was the girl of my dreams, she was beautiful and smart and funny and kind, she was perfect. I feel two arms wrap around my body and I smell Heidi's perfume. "She was really pretty." Heidi says as she holds onto me. I don't stop looking at the photo of Hannah and I, "She was so pretty. She never realised how beautiful she was, she was always criticising herself... like she couldn't see how perfect she was." I used to think that girls pretended to find themselves unattractive so that their friends or boys would compliment them, that was until i met Hannah. She genuinely didn't believe that she was gorgeous, she looked in the mirror and she resented the reflection that she saw. She had no idea. "I wish that she had seen it, maybe she would have been happy and still be here. Maybe you would be with her." Heidi says supportively. I swallow hard and fight the tears that are in my eyes and I put one hand on top of Heidi's hand which is wrapped around my stomach. Heidi lets me go and she takes the picture of Hannah and I from my hands, placing it directly in the middle of the unit. It's in the centre now, where everyone can see it. I take her hand and pull her close to my chest, i do not deserve this girl. I really don't deserve her.