After The Reasons

Four Years is a Long Time...

Collage wasn't everything it was made out to be. In fact, it was incredibly boring! I thought that collage was supposed to be wild, the best years of your life. But instead—it was just a shit ton of work. Maybe collage is all of those things but I just didn't care. Either way, it's over now. Which also means hiding from that stupid town is too. That's right, I'm on my way back. If I'm being totally honest, which I am, I've not been back since Tony and I got into his mustang and drove away. And I also can't say I've missed it. My dad called me last week and asked when I'd finally be coming home, I figured that after four years it's probably time. Mom and dad called all of the time when I first left, but over the years they stopped trying to persuade me to visit them. I know, I'm not son of the year—or years! Life hasn't been the same since Justin, nothing really mattered. I wanted to go to collage and experience it for the both of us, I truly did, but whenever I tried to do something that he would've... I cried. Yeah, I'm that lame
guy who cried when he seen a bong! Long story short, I've never been the same. The pain inside hasn't got easier and I've not missed him any less over time. I feel a vibration on my leg and look down to my phone. The train stops at a town called Gravering, which is still three hours from Crestmont. I open my message and see a group chat that I forgot existed. 'Liberty' appears at the top of the screen then an unread message sits below it. The name 'Tyler' is above the message that reads, 'I need you guys.' My stomach instantly turns. I didn't just avoid Crestmont and my parents... I lost touch with everyone except Jessica. So why is Tyler Down messaging our high school group chat? Another message appears from Alex Standall, 'everything ok?' There's no way Tyler would message something like that—ever!— let alone after all these years! 'No. I need you all to come back.' Tyler messages. Well, i guess this is Tyler's lucky day! The question is, who else will come back? I quickly type that I'm on my way and wait for the others to confirm their return. Soon after I hit send Jessica, Alex, Zach, Tony, Ani and Charlie all confirm that they'll come back to Crestmont. Well, I guess after four years a reunion is due! This will be interesting... I hope they've all had a better collage experience than me. I look out of the window for the next three hours, thinking of what this will be like, the train stops. "WE ARE NOW IN CRESTMONT" The woman's voice announces. I take a deep breath and grab my suitcase. I take the first step off the train and look around. "Fucking hell!" I whisper. There are only four or five other people standing on the platform. I start walking away from the train when I hear "Clay Jensen?" from behind me. The familiarity in the voice behind me sends a shiver down my spine, I slowly turn around. In front of me stands Kevin Porter, my old school counsellor... the one Hannah went to for help all those years ago. Wow, I've been back here for fifty seconds and I'm already thinking of Hannah Baker. "Mr Porter. Hey." I say as he takes a few steps towards me. "Hey. Back in town after all these years?" He asks and stifles a laugh. "Yeah. After four years I figured I should probably face the music." He smiles and nods. "I can't imagine what coming back would be like after all those years. Especially after everything you went through here..." he trails off at the end as if he doesn't know what else to say. "It's not easy. Hence me avoiding it for four years." I reply. I'm definitely regretting coming back here already! "I'm sorry about Justin," and there it is. Mr Porter wasn't working at Liberty High when Justin died, so he never gave his condolences. "I know he was close to your family." He continues. "He was my brother." I say. Porter missed a lot after he left. Hannah's trial was a long time ago so he never stuck around to find out what happened with Justin and my family. "I'm glad it worked out for you guys. Well, the adoption. Justin was a good boy, he really was. He just never had the right influences around him, that was until you and your family." Mr Porter says. He's acting like he knew Justin, the real Justin. He didn't know shit. He doesn't know shit. "Yeah well, bad shit happens to good people I guess." He nods and takes another step closer to me. "Do you want to go grab a cup of coffee? We can have a little chat before you go home?" He asks. As much as I don't want to, I think I need to. Coming back to this town is the hardest thing I've ever done and ever will do, coming back to a place with constant reminders of the people I've lost. I nod and he smiles. "Yeah, I'd like that." He nods his head to the right and we walk across the road into a cafe. I've never been to this place before, I didn't even know it existed! We order some coffee and sit down at a table tucked away in the corner. "So... how are you feeling about coming back?" He asks, taking a sip of his coffee. "Well... not great. I never wanted to come back. Five years ago, when I still lived here, I struggled to live here. No matter where I'd go, I'd be reminded of Hannah Baker or Jeff Atkins. How the fuck am I going to walk around this town and remember everything with Justin?" I say. He nods, "how did you feel when Justin passed?" I look down at my hands on the table, I'm fidgeting with a napkin and my left leg is bouncing up and down. "I, uh, I died with him. Or a part of me did. I thought he was just sick because he was coming off of drugs again, after he'd had his relapse. But he didn't just have the cold or the flu... he, he, he was dying." I continue. I've never actually spoken about Justin. There's a lot of shit buried deep down inside of me and I'm not sure if I want to let those emotions out in a cafe next to the train tracks. "When we went to prom, he wasn't actually going to come. He was  still at home, in bed, when I left with Alex and Charlie. He ended up coming for Jessica, he knew he needed to come for her... he loved Jess. After he fainted and was rushed to hospital, I didn't want to leave his side. I stayed for two days straight, I was still in my suit from prom and I hadn't eaten or washed... I just sat with him. It was a couple days after that the nurse told us that he, he uh, he had HIV-1 which had turned to AIDS. That's when I found out that he wasn't just homeless when I went and found him all those years ago... he was having sex with men for money so he could get drugs.  That's when I found out he was dying. When he did... you know... I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't want to be her without my brother. But when I left for collage, I decided that I would just get through the next few years and then deal with all the shit." I explain. There's tears in Mr Porters eyes, as well as in mine, when I look up. "Clay, I once gave the wrong advice which has had devastating consequences. I won't make the same mistake. Justin was an amazing human being, I'm not allowed to play favourites when I work in a school but now I don't work with you, Justin was always one of my favourite kids. He had such a difficult life, his mom was a junkie and she dated abusive guys. But Justin got away from that, unfortunately living on the streets turned him towards drugs. He had so much pain inside of him, until you came and your family took him in. From what you've told me, Justin was on the right path. Can you tell me what threw him off that path?" Mr Porter asks. "His mom died. Heroin overdose." I state. His mouth opens slightly and he sighs, closing his eyes and shaking his head. "Jesus Christ. I had no idea. I'm sorry you had to go through that Clay, you have experience far too much loss and pain in your short lifetime." I pick up my coffee and take a couple of gulps. I smile and sigh, "yeah, guess you could say that." I never thought I'd be sitting with Mr Porter talking about Hannah or Justin's death. To be fair, he's one of the reasons why Hannah killed herself. He's the final reason. I won't lie though, he really did step up when it came to Hannah's trial all those years ago... he didn't try protect himself or the school. He told the truth. "Look Clay, I'm back in Crestmont for good, I moved back a year ago. I'm always around if you just need to talk... just call. Still have the same number. Good luck with going back home, Clay." He says and then stands up, leaving the cafe. If you'd have asked me six years ago about Porter, I'd have told you he was responsible for the death of a innocent teenage girl. Now, he's just a guy who made a mistake once and is trying to make up for that mistake. And who knows... I might actually be calling him after this next part. I stand up and wall out of the small cafe, when I step outside there's nobody in sight. I walk towards the stairs that will lead me on to the streets of Crestmont... here goes nothing I guess.