After The Reasons

Standing in the Rain

Since I left Crestmont, I told myself to always see the good in every situation. Everyday might not be good, but there is something good in every day. Where's the good? Ever since Justin died, I've never been able to see the good in every day... some days I could, but some days I just couldn't. And I can't now. My mom always used to say, 'if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain,' which I'm pretty sure she stole from Dolly Parton, but either way, I used to understand it. I used to understand that bad things must happen to you before the good things come to you... and then, one day, I woke up and it all seemed like bullshit. The bad things that have happened to me are not worth the good things that happen to me. Nothing is worth the pain that I've went through and I'm not convinced that anything ever will be. I have lost more people than I've gained and nothing will ever be worth that, the people I have lost will never be worth any shred of happiness. Everyone always tries to tell me that 'if its good, it's wonderful. If its bad, its experience.' But what if I don't want the experience? What if I'm perfectly fine without it? "Clay?" Tony asks. I look at him and then look up to the sky, rain falling onto my face. "I'll give you a minute alone." He says. I don't look at him or even move, and then I hear the door close. I can't go back in there, not with everyone in there plotting this shit. I hear the door open and close again but I don't move my head from looking up at the sky. "Clay..." I hear Jessica's voice say. "Humans are so fragile. Do you ever think about that?" I ask. "What do you mean?" Jessica asks. "we can go from being over-the-top happy to suicidal and sad in a matter of moments..." I say. "Clay?" The rain is beautiful. "Clay, what's this about?" Jessica asks. What is this about? Where does one start? "Losing him was like having a hole shot straight through me, a painful, constant reminder, an absence, a missing piece that I can never fill." I say, trying not to fall apart. "Clay..." Jessica says with a lump in her throat. "I know that you loved him. I know that you were so madly in love with him, Jess. And I know that you knew him for much longer than me and you loved him for longer than me, believe me I know. Part of me loves that you knew him and loved him, but part of me also resents you for it. The part of me that is jealous that you got more time with him, more love, more memories and more time! You are so lucky, you are and I know you are." I begin, facing directly in front of me rather than Jessica. "There are two types of pain, Jessica. One that hurts you and the other changes you completely. Justin changed me. For almost four years I woke up every morning with him in the bed across from me, I had breakfast with him, I protected him and he protected me, I argued with him and hated him... but I always loved him! I always fucking loved him!" I exclaim, my voice breaking at the end. "But that's not the hardest part. The memories of him, they're not the hardest part. The hardest part of losing somebody isn't having to say goodbye, as hard as it is, it's learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that's left inside your heart when they go. That's the hardest part, Jessica. That's the part that never gets easier." I say with no emotion behind my words or voice. "Every single morning, I wake up and look across the room to find him... except I don't find him. He's gone. Justin is gone and Hannah is gone and I don't know how they're gone. How have I lost them? I have an amazingly, stunning girl in there who loves me so much, and all I can think about is how much I miss Hannah! It's selfish but I cant help it!" I yell. "It's not selfish." I hear Jessica exclaim. "It is not selfish, Clay Jensen! And don't ever convince yourself that it is! At the end of the day, the realist is that you'll grieve forever. Youll not 'get over' the loss of Justin and Hannah; you'll learn to live with it. You'll heal and rebuild yourself around that loss, Clay. You'll be whole again but you'll never be the same. That hole that shot straight through your body... it'll close eventually. Little by little we let go of the loss, Clay. We let go of the loss but we don't let go of the love. You're allowed to miss them and I'm telling you that you're allowed to love her. It's hard to forget somebody who gave you so much to remember, Clay." Jessica says, placing her hand on my shoulder. This kind of heartache... it's the kind of heartache that you feel in your bones. It radiates throughout your entire body and it crushes everything inside. Grief is like having a heavy weight on your chest. You have trouble breathing. Sometimes your body takes deep sighing breaths in an attempt to get more oxygen because it feels like there isn't enough oxygen inside of your lungs. Sometimes you have anxiety attacks. And your heart physically aches. It's like wearing a heavy coat with all of the pockets filled with rocks. The grief literally weighs you down and slows you down. It's physically exhausting as well as mentally exhausting! "You're allowed to love her." Jessica repeats. "You better go inside and make sure they're not trying to kill each other, Jess." I say, making it clear that she needs to leave me alone. "No, we need to go in and make sure that they're not tying to rip off each other's heads!" Jessica says. "I can't. I have somewhere to be." I say and begin to walk away from my house, letting Jessica's hand fall off of my shoulder. I walk through the rain, not looking back. I just keep walking. I keep walking...