After The Reasons

Ghosts from the past

This entire town is full of memories for me. Memories with Hannah. Memories with Jeff. And memories with Justin. The thing is... I faced all the demons that this town is haunted with before. I faced Hannah and I faced Jeff, even Bryce and Monty. But I only survived the constant reminders of those people because Justin was there to pull me back to reality. There is no 'reality' anymore, not without him. Whatever this concept of 'reality', or whatever you want to call it, is not what I want. Being hundreds of miles away from Crestmont helped. Being hundreds of miles away from the reminders of everything I no longer have... helped. I walk three blocks before I stop and stare. My stomach tightens and my shoulders sink. Blue Spot Liquor. Tears pool in my eyes and my entire body shakes, the feeling of pain radiates through every bone in my body. This was the first place I ever spent anytime with Justin. I came to Blue Spot Liquor because Hannah had a tape that mentioned the store, the tape that she confessed Bryce Walker grabbed her ass, and when I was inside Bryce walked in and bought me beer. He made me stand in the alleyway next to the shop with all of the Liberty jocks, including Justin. Alex and I were made to see who could down it the fastest, I won. Justin Foley hated my guts back then... he wasn't happy that I had the tapes. He was worried that I would go AWOL and share the tapes. To be fair... it was months after but I did end up doing exactly that. I close my eyes and turn away from the store, walking in the direction of my house. Nothing can ever make this town better, it's destroyed by all the memories. The rest of the walk i keep my head down, trying not to be reminded of Hannah, Jeff, Bryce, Monty or Justin... which was much harder than I thought. There it is. My parents house... my old home. Justin's old home. My entire body is trembling, my stomach is tied in knots and I feel very sick. Jesus Christ, I'm actually going to go back into this house. Most people associate their childhood homes with amazing memories like the first time they walked or their first time, but me... I just think of Justin. I stand outside for five minutes with my heart beating like a machine gun, another word that's a touchy subject in Creatmont. 'Gun'. I hate this fucking town! I walk to the steps leading up to the front door, but I don't take any steps. I remember sneaking Justin in seven years ago... he still hated me and I wasn't his biggest fan either. I swallow hard at the sting in my heart from the memory. I finally walk up the steps and knock the front door. Why am I knocking? I mean, this is still my house right? I open the door and my dad is standing there. "Son!" Dad says with the biggest smile on his face. He looks different, his beard is outgrown and he looks a little more scruffy. "Lainie, Clay is home!" He yells up the stairs, soon my mom appears at the top of the steps. "Clay!!!" She yells and runs over to me, grabbing me into a huge hug. Mom doesn't look well, her hair isn't dyed or cut anymore, her eyes have black rings around them and she's lost a lot of weight. "Hey..." I say and hug her back. They both examine me and dad hugs me the minute mom lets go. "Come in, come in! I'll get you a coffee?" Dad asks and tries to guide me into the kitchen but I don't move. "Yeah. Coffee thanks dad." I say and he walks into the kitchen. I stand and stare at the stairs. Seven years ago, when mom and dad found out that I'd had Justin in my room, they were arguing in the kitchen with me. They were giving me into trouble and when I was sent to my room, Justin was sitting on the fifth step. He'd heard everything they'd said and he took off that night. I didn't even ask if he was alright, I was pissed off and I just went into my room, leaving him on the stairs listening to my parents argue about him. "Clay?" Moms voice snaps me back from the awful memory, she looks at me confused. "Yeah?" I say. "What was that all about hunny?" She asks. I don't know if I should tell her or if I should just say nothing. I've not been with my parents for four years, I don't know if they'll cope with hearing Justin's name. By the looks of it... they haven't been coping well with it. "It's nothing mom, I'm fine. Just tired from the train... that's all." I say and smile. She smiles back and guides me into the kitchen. I don't want to go further into this house... further into the memories. I stand in the doorway of the kitchen, it's not as bright as I remember it. I look at the table and instantly my heart hurts. After my parents found out that I had Justin here, he came down for breakfast. When I'd woke up, he wasn't in my room. But when I got to the kitchen, he was sitting on the chair to the right, wolfing down pancakes and orange juice. God I miss him. I remember the minute I walked into the kitchen he shouted, "Clay! You've gotta have some of these pancakes, they're fucking awesome!" I smile at the memory of him swearing in front of my parents... I also just took the pancake from his plate. "What are you smiling at, son?" Dad asks and sets a cup of coffee down in front of the chair Justin used to sit in. "Nothing." I say and move the coffee mug to the chair beside it, my chair, and sit down. Dad realises what he did and sighs, shaking his head. "Sorry, I didn't mean to do that..." he explains, "just habit I guess." I smile and take a sip of the hot coffee. Mmm, I've missed dads coffee! "So how was college?" Mom asks in a happy voice. "It was alright. Pretty boring to be honest, it wasn't an all night party like in the movies!" I say and stifle a laugh at that last part, as do Mom and dad. "But, you guys know how college is, how have you been?" I ask. I hope that they'll tell me the truth, I need to know how they have been since Justin died. They look at each other and their chests raise like they have a lot to get off of their chest. "Honestly..." I add. Mom smiles, "well, it's been hard. You moved away straight after... Justin... and we struggled a little." She explains. I am a shit son! They had just lost one son and then the minute he was gone, I left. Fuck, they must feel like they lost both of their children in the space of a month! "I'm really sorry." I say. Dad and mom both look at me with a confused look on their faces. "For what?" Dad asks. "For leaving so soon. And for not coming back. After Justin I, I couldn't stay here. I needed to get away from this town, the memories of this town. No matter where I am in this town, I see somebody that I lost. I passed Blue Spot Liquor on my way here... it was one of the first places I had to visit when I got Hannah's tapes. It was also the first place I'd ever spoke to Justin outside of school, because we hated each other. No matter where I am in this town, there's a memory." I explain. Tears sit in moms eyes and dad holds her hand. "Why don't tonight, we all sit down together and remember Justin? Share memories, stories? I think it'll be good for us all." Dad says. Mom nods, "I'd love that." Reliving Justin's life... only my parents could make me want to do that. I nod and smile, "yeah... that sounds good." Mom and dad start having a conversation about something that happened the other day, but I don't contribute. "You know, if you're gonna tell them stories about me, I'll haunt you if you tell them that one!" I hear. I look to the chair beside me, Justin's chair. He looks at me and smiles, "I mean it. They cannot find out about that!" He continues. I stopped seeing  Justin not long after I left Crestmont, I pushed him to the back of my mind so I could get through each day. I half laugh and stare at him. "I know you don't want to be here, in Crestmont, but they need you. And... we have a few conversations to have!" Justin says. You probably think I'm crazy, seeing my dead brother... but I'm not. I used to see Hannah after she died, I spoke to her for a very long time. I used to speak to Justin, that was until I left town. He sits there in his liberty jacket and smiles, "the fuck you looking at Jensen?" he says and I laugh, shaking my head. I've missed that voice. I've missed that humour. I turn back to my parents and they stop their conversation, "what do you think Clay? Should they keep the store?" Mom asks. "Lainie, don't bring Clay into it! He needs to sell the store so he can keep his marriage!" Dad goes on. "Just like old times... them bickering over something stupid, me and you just watching." Justin says, "maybe it's time to sneak away to our room? That is what we always used to do!" I stand up, grabbing my suitcase from the hall. "I'm just going to go put this away." I tell my parents. I walk outside and round the side of the house to the garage. I stand twenty feet from the door and stare, this is where Justin and I lived together. This will be the hardest place to go... "just face it head on." He says. "How can I? It's the place we lived... the place I saw you last. Well, after you were gone." Justin laughs, "well... stop being a pussy! Get in there and unpack your shit!" He says. I walk forwards and open the door. The smell of two aftershaves hit my face as I close the door behind me, it still smells like it did four years ago. 'Fuck' I say. His bed is in front of me, his fucking bed. God knows how many times I walked in and he was sitting on that bed. "Yeah, yeah, I was always in bed! Shut up!" Justin says. Tears fall from my eyes as I walk into the space. "Fucking hell Justin. I'm here without you." I walk over to my bed and throw my self down onto it. Justin walks over to his bed and sits across from me, just like old times. "Fuck!" I shout with tears still falling from my eyes. Justin just sits across from me, looking at me. I fucking hate this town....