After The Reasons

Reminiscing

I open my eyes and look around. I'm sitting against Justin's bed and Jessica is laying on my lap, the natural daylight is beaming through the window and I squint my eyes at it. Jessica is sleeping soundly, she's peaceful. I look over to the alarm clock on the table and it reads 6:12am, which means we feel asleep and we stayed here for about fourteen hours. My neck is stiff and my back is aching, I can't feel my legs or ass anymore. I look down and Jessica doesn't wake, she's sleeping. She is sleeping. Jessica is actually sleeping after everything that happened... thank god! A smile comes across my lips and I try to stay as still as possible, which is turning out to be a lot harder than I thought. I've never realised how uncomfortable it is when you hold in pee, I never hold in pee so I don't really know how sore it is, well that's until now. I tip my head back, putting it on the comfy part of Justin's bed, and try to relax. Every muscle and bone in my body is in agony, I need to move. I resist the temptation and I keep still. When Jessica wakes up, will she want to talk about it? Should I even ask her about it? The thing is, this girl has been through more shit than anybody I know. She was raped by her boyfriend's best friend while that boyfriend let it happen, she lost a friend and that friend left her 13 tapes to listen too, she went to trial against her rapist and she was subpoenaed to her friends suicide trial, her other best friend shot himself in the head, her rapist was killed and everyone thought it was her who killed him, she also witnessed that rapist get murdered by her best friend, then... then Justin died. The love of her life died! My brother died. Justin died. Justin is dead. It still doesn't feel real, it doesn't feel like he's dead sometimes... but sometimes it does. Sometimes it feels so real that I feel like my heart will explode because I can't live without him. Sometimes I know, and sometimes I don't. When Hannah died, it felt like the world was my enemy. I felt like I was being punished for something that I didn't know I had done, I hated everyone and everything. I especially hated the world when those tapes arrived on my doorstep. But at Hannah's funeral... I began to love the world again because I realised that I loved Hannah. I wasn't mad at her anymore, I was hurt but I wasn't angry, I loved Hannah and I was glad she wasn't hurting. I realised that I wasn't being punished, she was being freed. Hannah getting her freedom cost me a thousand tears and a million unanswered questions, but she got the happiness that she always deserved and never had here. I always knew she was gone though. I never forgot that she had died, I never went to call her or see her, because I knew she was dead. But when Justin died... when Justin died my world totally collapsed. I felt like I'd let everyone down and the price to pay for that was losing Justin. I didn't know where I belonged after he died, I don't know. I still wake up and think he's going to be in the bed next to me, or I expect to see him in the street or in class, I pick up the phone and hit his contact and then I remember... sometimes I even hit the call button. Hitting that button is the worst part, when I hear the voicemail... his voice. I hit that button a lot just to hear his voice one more time. My world is still shattered and every piece is laying around me, but I don't know how to start building again. I can't let my brother go, I could let Hannah go. I DID let Hannah Baker go, I let her be happy. But I can't let Justin go. I'll never let him go because I'm afraid that if I do I'll never get him back. Tears start pouring down the side of my head, but I don't move my hands from Jessica to wipe them away. My heartbeat quickens and so does my breathing, the sobs come and I try to hush them. My brother is dead. I'll never be able to see him again, I'll never be able to hug him again, I'll never play video games with him again, I'll never fight with him again, I'll never be with him again. A knot forms in my stomach and it tightens, hurting me. My heart hurts. I try to take deep breaths and calm myself down, but it isn't working if anything it's making me worse. Clay, stop it. You can't be upset when Jessica wakes up, she can't see you be upset after what she went through. I close my eyes and my mind starts picturing it all...
     "Clay! Get up, man. Your mom made breakfast but we need to go soon." I hear Justin yell as I open my eyes. I look to the clock beside my bed and see that I'm twenty minutes late. I throw off my duvet and rush to the bathroom where Justin is brushing his teeth. "Ybahsg brstjer nubt boe lsghwe" he tries to say with the toothbrush still in his mouth. I look at him confused and he rolls his eyes in the mirror. I run over to the toilet and quickly pee. I finish and then head to the sink, wash my hands and grab my toothbrush. I quickly rattle the stick around my mouth and spit at the same time Justin does. "You better hurry the fuck up, Jensen. We cannot be late!" He shouts as I run out of the bathroom. "We won't be late, Justin! I'm literally putting my clothes on!" I yell back. Justin walks back into the room from the bathroom with a disgusted look on his face and he stares at me. "What?" I ask defensively as I zip my jeans. "You aren't going to shower?" He asks and crosses his arms across his chest. "Does it look like we have time for me to shower Justin?!" He raises his hands and walks to his bed and puts his shoes on. I quickly throw on a T-shirt and socks then throw my shoes on. Justin grabs the keys from the counter and we both race out of the door.
   I open my eyes and make myself stop reminiscing before my heart shatters into a million pieces. I shake my head and lift it off of the bed behind me, and rub my face off my shoulder, wiping the tears away. I look back to the clock and it now reads 7:53am. What the fuck? Where did all that time go? Jessica starts to move and I look down at her. She slowly lifts herself out of my arms and her face instantly shows how much pain she is currently in. "Oh my fucking god. Ow!" She says as she manages to sit upright. Her eyes meet mine and her mouth is open as she adjusts to how stiff her body is. Jessica turns her head to look at the clock then snaps back to me, but it's clear she moved to quickly for her aching muscles. I giggle. "Laying on the floor for fourteen plus hours isn't a good idea, is it?" I laugh. She shakes her head and positions herself in the same way I am sitting. "I'm so sorry, you much be in agony!" She says and rubs her neck. "It's all good, but yes I'm a little sore." I admit. She smiles and takes my hand in hers. "Thank you." I squeeze her hand and smile, "Jess, you don't have to thank me. We're family and family is there for each other." I tell her. "I love you." She says and smiles. "I love you too." I say back. We sit for a minute smiling. "But no matter how much I love you, I can't sit on this floor for any longer!" I say and she laughs. Jessica starts standing up and stretches, causing her back to hurt more. She gives me her hand and helps pull me up off of the floor, "Oh you fucker!" I tell as I straighten myself. Jessica and I both burst into laughter and I pull her into a hug, which hurts all my back, neck and shoulder muscles. "We made it through the night, Jess."