But I'll Be Back Again

Chapter 10: Clear As a Bell

He took the tweezers he was using to adjust the strings, and his guitar with him. He offered her a chair, and he sat in front of her.

"How did the class go?" He had heard John said that she had started to take a philosophy course.

She was shyly looking around, unsure to begin with the actual purpose of her visit, "it was great... oh Paul I felt so alive, all the people there were really interesting, and of all ages."

"Is it only on Thursdays?"

"Thursday mornings and on Saturdays at 4 in the afternoon, last weekend we had a teacher that worked in a university in Jamaica , and he met the Queen?"

"As in her Majesty?" He asked surprised, and stopped for some second arranging the strings.

"Yes! But when she was still a princess, he even gave her a lecture, and he says she's really interested in talking about values and morality."

"Clever people you're meeting there." His tone was sweet, he felt happy for her.

"I know, and my classmates are so unique, there's a woman who wants to be a policewoman, and an old man from Italy that fled when the first world war started,"

"Many points of views clashing in a class."

She looked at him excited, he was in fact listening to her, "Exactly! The topics we are seeing are filled with experiences or stories, it feels illegal that I'm doing this."

He smiled, "Illegal? What are they talking about that makes it feel that way?"

"It's not that, I meant that it feels like a rebellious act against my family...buuut they don't even know I'm doing this, so it feels illegal, that someone may come through that door and scold me."

"You're not hurting anyone, why would you feel bad about it." he said as he struggled with one of the strings of his guitar.

"I don't feel that bad," she confided, "you're not busy, are you?"

"No, why? what happened?" he decided to listen to her and left his guitar aside.

"I wanted to talk to you, it may be about something serious," she took a strand of her hair, and wondered how had she managed to forget her mortification and shyness and went to speak to him about matters of the heart, "that night, when we kissed... may...maybe it wasn't appropriate for us to-," she wanted to say something completely different to what Paul ended up complementing.

"Yes, I agree. I guess you were still slightly drunk and didn't mean it, and don't worry I didn't mean to kiss you but probably wondered what would it be like," he saw how she wanted to refute what he was saying but went on, "that's why I stopped it, I knew it could be more confusing to us, to you, if I let our romantic embrace carry on."

She was in total confusion, and a bit speechless but she was tired of letting people speak for her, "I didn't come to say that, I see how you feel and in total honesty I-,"

"You see how it is, this dating and courting," he smiled when he used that last word, "I'm sure you were unsure about Ricky, he's not so much of a serious lad, and I probably mixed your emotions with the quote, and for that I'm very sorry."

She swallowed and remained silent, she had come to declare the she enjoyed his company and that her affection towards him had grown considerably, "I -- the truth is," she stopped and analyzed his attentive expression, "I wouldn't know, I've never flirted or gone out with someone I was interested in or anyone, never been in a relationship either. The parties I went to with my family were never to make friends or so, and I wasn't permitted to go wherever I wanted."

He stood up, turned his back and then turned again to ask, "Never?"

"Yes, that's what I said," this time she didn't dare to look at him.

That caused in him a panic state, he regretted being so direct with her, but he had to, "you have to learn to not put your heart on your sleeve, and as I said I think the kiss was confusing even for me," he sighed as he was preparing carefully to say the next words, "I'm not looking for a girlfriend, Ella, I don't think a serious relationship between the two of us could ever work."

She bit the inside of her lips, trying not to express any sadness in her face, "That's what I wanted to know, I've never been someones anything ... not really. Yes, I have to admit it is confusing, I needed some kind of explanation."

"And I'm always gonna be open to talk to you." He assured. "aaand some day you won't even need my help to understand, you'll get the hang of it."

"Language is the source of misunderstandings." She quoted The Little Prince author. "I suppose I should find someone that enjoys the time they spend with me." She foolishly believed he would contradict her and say something about how much he liked their chats and being with her, she truly wanted just something that contradicted her brother's previous statement.

"And you will," he patted her shoulder, "Ella, would you like to stay for dinner?"

She felt her chest freeze with as if an icicle had just penetrated her heart, she was in fact alone, as her brother had told her, "I can't, I have some assignments to finish, but thank you for the invitation." She stood up from the chair, took her books, this time she gave him a warm smile, and went out, the way out seemed to take forever in her mind, once she was out of sight, she let some tears come out, cleaning those rapidly.

Paul didn't mean to hurt her as he did, he knew he cared for her and did enjoy that kiss, but he thought that it would be better and less painful if he said the things he said and leave it like he did, than to start a relationship and then ruin it in the future, breaking her heart, as someone had broken his before. Something about his previous relationship had changed his behaviour, he had found out that being the ladies' man and quite a flirty one, was his new persona that he wanted to embrace, and seeing Ella's character, it was simply disastrous to think if she'd be okay with that.