Barren | ✓

r e d

it always starts with sugar.

it's new, it's interesting, it's a rush.

there is an intrigue that cannot be explained, a mystery that must be solved. there lies beneath much more than what meets the eye and there is a pull that cannot be explained.

i proceed.

days pass by, the chase continues. sometimes fast, sometimes slow. sometimes infuriating, sometimes rewarding. but we reach there at long last.

we're on the same page.

the months to follow are a high like no other. it's picture perfect. it's everything i hoped it to be. this is it.

and then, just like that, things go downhill.

the thrill continues, only now it wears out the sugar. the spice is too high, the salt in my tears just makes the wounds burn more.

it's no longer picture perfect. the mystery is unfolded, the darkness is released. it is a dementor unleashed, only now i am its captive in a ball and chain.

i struggle for normalcy.

i struggle to make it work.

i struggle to find those promises made.

i struggle to see the person i fell for in the first place.

months go by, and i am worn out. i have given it all, and darkness now forms a part of me. it's silently killing me.

there is no loyalty, only torment.

no passion, only obsession.

no sanity, only mania.

but i fight through the charade eventually. i break free from it all. i go back to find my roots, who i was before all this. but i can't find it anymore.

so i burn in my own desire of recreating myself.

my arms bleed to reform the scars of my fatal attraction. it takes months more. but life looks better. suddenly, there is hope. there is freedom. there is fresh air.

a new me is born out of my sculpted experiences. i am stronger, sharper, wiser.

i am equipped to not make the same mistake again.

until i catch the scent of sugar again.

and again.

and again.

and again.

the more reluctant i am to get tempted, the harder i fall eventually.

it's the same process every time.

each time i rise from the ashes of my past, i am more weary of my senses.

how much longer can i go this way, even i don't know. i have lost sight of yesteryear and today, it all seems the same.

and then one day, i smell salt.

there is something eerily familiar yet utterly different. something draws me towards it and like a slave of my mind, i pursue.

the salt seems like salt.

i don't like it. it's boring. it's safe. it's not thrilling. but there is a feeling i can't knock away. perhaps it's my calling that this time would be different.

i give it a chance.

months go by, and i keep an eye out, afraid that salt would eventually change to sugar.

some called me paranoid, others demented.

until one day, we were playing the crossword and we shared a glance that made my breath hitch.

i could guess that look in his eyes from anywhere.

and even though i was right all along, the gush of thrill that i felt pounding my veins was unparalleled.

i guess i was addicted to sugar after all.

🚩

- a girl with a penchant for the toxic

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