Barren | ✓

g r e e n

the one true blessing of life is to be able to shut yourself in a bathroom.

perhaps it's the only moment where you can drop the façade and face what you're feeling without the fear of anyone eavesdropping.

god i hate how insecure i feel.

there seems to froth some unfathomable emotion each time she's away from me, laughing happily amongst her friends and peers alike.

so happy, so complete.

and here i sit each day, at the far corner of the class, just looking at her ease in envy.

how does she even do that?

so easy, so chirpy, so lovable.

another gush of envy strikes me and i throw up pathetically, this time tears joining in soon.

we are no different, she and i...

we both come from broken homes, we are both the middle child of neglect, we are both plain looking girls...

then what is it about her that makes her so appealing?

always the eternal favourite, always the teachers pet, always the apple of everyone's eye... the popular boys fancied her like moths to a flame.

and what am i?

invisible, brooding in my own shell.

we are both class toppers, both at par in sports, both great at most of the extracurriculars done in school... and yet, miles apart in how people saw us.

i quit my hiding spot in need of air, to escape the pettiness of my own thoughts.

strolling the quiet corridors, i left the brick building only to meet the very horror of my thoughts in flesh.

i often find her seated in the botanical garden attached to our hostel, a book in hand and a distant look in her eye when she is just by herself.

she never objects to my presence when i join her under the tree, i being drawn to her more by her aura than my curiosity.

and this afternoon, i find myself at her mercy once again.

she continues looking into space, devoid of emotion while i study her features like an artist of a demi-god.

i wonder whether it is the serenity of nature that keeps her grounded?

she, who entrusts her being to mother earth can't be misplaced hitherto.

but she continues to look into the distance long until it is dark, like she is in a trance.

those are the kind of trances i surround myself with during the nights.

i switch on the neon in my room and let the hues infiltrate my senses, ensuring that i don't slip up into a sleep i couldn't escape from.

night is here and she refuses to rise, so i decide to free myself from her trance; to get back to the deadened reality that i am more accustomed to.

i barely stand up when she catches my hand, her steel grey eyes boring into mine.

"i've always observed you from afar in class and you're so perfect in everything you do."

is she talking to me?

her nervous chuckle seems to indicate so.

"i wish i were more like you, not obligated to being perfect... god i hate how insecure i feel," she adds as an afterthought.

she doesn't leave me much to say before walking past me and disappearing into the warmth of the building.

i cough awkwardly.

i guess we aren't really different after all, she and i.

🍃

-the envy of a girl who believes the grass is greener on the other side

🍃