The Lyrics That Defined Us.

happier.

25.

But ain't nobody love you like I do,

Promise that I will not take it personal, baby

If you're moving on with someone new

'Cause baby you look happier, you do

My friends told me one day I'll feel it too

And until then I'll smile to hide the truth

But I know I was happier with you

—

Author's note: I don't like this chapter. Wrote it in like 25/30 minutes, so yeah things get weird. And um, mentions of self harm? But don't worry it's not anything. I promise.

If there is anything which Eddy despises with every cell of his body, then it has to be dreams. Specifically dreams with Brett in them. And any dream he saw, had him in it. As if he was some special actor whom every director was practically drooling over and was begging to star him. Only difference was he was casting in every single Eddy's dreams. Now, even the sleeping pills weren't helping much.

Whenever Brett appeared, Eddy's dream turned into a nightmare. There were rare instances where the dream would actually turn out good. Good as in, they would be friends in them. Or maybe Brett was agreeing to talk to him, and rekindle their lost friendship. But that would be once per six months. And the worst thing was, that they hurt.

See nightmares are a thing you know are scary. They are meant to break you into cold sweat. Brett could come in with a sharp knife and slice Eddy's throat, or he could push him off a building. Maybe he could hold his friends hostage and torture Eddy, or he could break all of Eddy's bones. But they all ended the same. Eddy waking up with a gasp and tears streaming down his cheeks. Then he would look to his left, and find his girlfriend asleep peacefully proving all he saw was a lie. But that was not torment.

But with dreams, oh, they are more difficult. The ones which appear realistic. Brett calling Eddy, apologising, asking to meet, crying. All that. The things Eddy's conscious mind knew would never, ever, ever in a million years would happen. That, that was torment. Inner torment. Emotional torture. Eddy specifically saw a dream once; Brett at his door, crying, apologising over and over and it ended with Brett kissing him. Then Eddy woke up, realising once again, it was all a lie. The worse kind of lie.

The brutal truth was that whatever he saw was a lie and would never actually happen.

Then came the realisation, that Eddy's subconscious mind was yearning. It was crying over and over for Brett Yang. A person who didn't even care a single bit about him. Brett had grown up. 31 years, no longer young and foolish. Brett had moved on, performing with world class orchestras, travelling the world, becoming a legend, adopted a kid as well.

It was funny how in every interview on the TV, Eddy could tell which questions were answered truthfully and which were said just for the sake of being said. It was funny how Eddy read through every single action, every single word, every single behaviour. He practically could read Brett like a book, yet he couldn't understand him. Yet, failed to realise who Brett Yang had become. Failed to understand that he was practically 'someone' to the person who was once his everything.

On the contrary, Eddy's conscious mind was very clever. It knew and understood the world. It knew the other part of Eddy. It knew that Eddy would never be able to forgive himself and Brett. It knew that Eddy was secretly still sad. That funny isn't it? A decade or so, and his mind just doesn't forget. His consciousness never lets him lose his cool when his subconsciousness continuously tries to divert his attention to his own weakness.

Eddy, was in inner torment. A war between his consciousness and subconsciousness.

And maybe that's why he asked Mary to move in. He was just too weak to handle his own mind, himself. He needed help.  And maybe that's why he's going on a trip with the whole group. To Europe.

Eddy knew Brett was in Europe. Maybe Brett never listened to him, but no, Eddy wasn't like that. He was a very gentle listener. And he remembered. His mind, the subconsciousness, knew Brett was staying in Europe. He had seen the tour dates on some random news channel. He had heard Brett say it out and in his interview.

Still?

Still he wanted to go. He wanted to cross paths. He wanted to show up. He wanted to visit.

Was it his consciousness or subconsciousness this time? Or was it both?

Did Eddy want to meet Brett and point out that he was no longer interested in him? No. He had done that decades ago. 
Did Eddy want to meet Brett and point out that Brett was no longer interested in him? No. Brett had done that decades ago.
Did Eddy want to meet Brett and point out to himself how  pathetic his self control is? Did he, so desperately, wanted to see the man's face and tell himself that he was a goal, which he will never reach? Did he want to see Brett's smile and then come home with a cracked heart, realising that the smile wasn't for him? Did he wanted to see the ring in his finger and pity himself for losing him? Did he wanted to return, only to realise he left his heart back there?

Yes.

Eddy was pathetic. He could not forget. He could not move on. He was a clock that always showed the same time, only rusting away with the years passing by.

Eddy wanted to ruin himself with his own actions. He knew it would hurt later but he just couldn't stop. This is just like another story of self harm, isn't it? Only difference is that it kills slower. Much, much slower.

Who knew just dreams were enough to break heart strings? Fictional, it may seem. Only the ones who experience are the ones who believe.

Oh and Eddy was awake now. What was he dreaming about this time? Murderer Brett or Best-Friend Brett?
Which one is worse?

Poor him, can't even get up to cry in the bathroom like he does. He's in a huge tin can with fins, that flies, after all.
Dreaming and wishing and hoping.

Oh the duality.