45. Broken dreams

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Breaking down once again,
Crying out loud for help.
Screams that escape my mouth,
Are silenced by my insecurities and fears.

The darkness that filled the void,
Once known as my life,
Blinds me from seeing the light.

The footsteps of those who've lost the fight lies before me,
Guiding me astray,
Making me forget the morals embedded into my core.
Following them into the darkness because the light, I'm unable to see.

I've made new rules with my own rights and wrongs,
Not caring, enough though knowing that they're false.
I know I've sinned before, I'm trying not to do it again.
Don't know if I'll be successful this time.

Lost faith in myself and my beliefs,
I know it's wrong but I'm unable to differentiate.

My vision is blurred by the hatred that blackens my heart,
One that constantly tears me apart.

I know I'm supposed to love but sorry I've forgotten how to.
It feels so long ago, when I felt these emotions of happiness and joy.

Feels like a life in another eternity and timeline with another me,
One that was sculpted by pure innocence.
That used to replace the pain that transformed my being,
Broke me down and made me someone foreign even to myself.

I don't wanna blame you but it's your fault,
But I hope you never know that,
I don't want to hurt you because of my pain.

I've hurt us enough,
Now it's time I stop being selfish.
Yet myself is all I think about.

Trying to collect the broken pieces in hopes of mending myself,
But we both know it's not worth a try.
The damage's done,
The pain has been inflicted,
The wounds already closed,
But the scars, they still trigger my soul.

The excuses you give to deny this pain that you cause, are almost worth a laugh.
Unfortunate that they don't humour me though.

It's so easy to laugh at someone's dismay but it isn't that hard being there for them either.
To let them know they're not alone,
To make sure they're clinging on to the smallest bit of hope.

But I guess that's too much to ask.
Too much to give from the cacophony of your life.

It brings a bittersweet smile to my face,
Seeing two broken souls trying to fix each other, despite their pain and heartache.

My heart reaches out for them,
Hoping I can take away their pain and make them see beauty again.
A disappointment that it happens only in dreams.
I'm trying to chase mine but I hope you accomplish yours too.

*~*~*~*
A/N: This was a rollercoaster of emotions. I don't know what to feel about this.

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