Insomniac||l.s

chapter seventeen

Why didn't I tell him? Why can't I push Josh away? Maybe I'm still attached?

"I'm not so sure of that." My heart dropped at his words.

"W-why do you say that?"

His finger then lifted and pointed at me, my back heating at the motion. "Because of that. You stuttered." Louis stepped back. "I know we've only known each other for almost a month, but. . if you can't get over your ex I understand. We can stay friends." He shrugged and immediately I felt a piece of me breaking.

He stepped back again, my furrowed eyes raking up him. "Louis, no. No don't do that." I stepped forwards and grabbed his arm, he glanced down at it but thankfully didn't pull away. "Louis I really, really like you, Josh was horrible to me."

Louis' head tilted. "Oh, so that's his name." My heart was beating out of my chest at this point. This couldn't be me losing him.

Quick! Say something smart.

"Lou. ." My voice broke making Louis flinch slightly, his brows were suddenly furrowing.

"Do you compare me to him?" Louis was asking.

Fuck, do I?

"Wh-what?" I blinked. That's when he stepped out of my grip.

"Then you aren't over him. . look, Harry"-Harry-"that's fine, I'm not going to force you to get over someone. I know how hard that is." He patted my shoulder. "I'll just take you home."

My head shook vigorously now, tears welling in my eyes but I refused to let them fall. Why isn't he acting out? Why is he calm and telling me I still like him? I don't, Louis! I don't!

"Louis. ." I said quietly. His eyes were staring at me with sympathy. I was totally speechless. I didn't know what to say. Fuck, why can't I say anything?

Louis just shook his head and walked over to his car, I followed with my head down and got in the passenger seat as he started to drive off.

The car ride was irritatingly quiet which made my skin itch. I was just going to start talking. . I had to.

"I met Josh when I was twelve, it was in seventh grade." Louis glanced at me. "He was so sweet to me, I had just moved again because of my mums work. He was the only one that spoke to me. So I obviously grew a liking to him the more he talked to me. Soon we started dating, and I hadn't came out to my family yet, but everyone in school knew. They didn't care, it was sort of a whatever thing. That's until we got to freshman year in high school.

"Josh and I were still together but by then he stopped buying me things, stopped treating me like I was the only person in his eyes, and even hit me a couple times when he got mad. It was fine because then he would apologise and tell me he loved me." Louis growled under his breath.

I stared down at my lap. "That's until one day he came to my house, I had just turned fifteen like a month ago and he came there to have sex with me. May I remind you I was a hopeless, innocent virgin. Josh seemed to grow more impatient with the idea so he begged me, not much, but some until I gave in. And that's when I lost it to him. That's when I knew I didn't love him anymore. He didn't care about me anymore after two years and I didn't know when it stopped. I just knew he d-didn't." Louis glanced at my finally breaking form.

"I broke up with him a month after that and since then is when I started getting jumped at school games and being picked on. I think Josh protected me from that because everyone liked him. I despised him from then on, and t-trust me when I say this." I finally looked at him and he was staring right back at me, we were in my driveway. "I haven't loved him since freshman year."

I tasted salty tears in my mouth but I ignored it because all I cared about at this moment was Louis' reaction. He probably won't even care.

"You didn't have to tell me that. ." His brows furrowed in sincerity.

"I did though, because I trust you." He stared me eye to eye then just stared into my watering emerald ones.

"I'm really sorry all of that happened to you. . I didn't know it was that bad." I shrugged and faced forwards. I felt so exposed and opened, I felt like everything I just said didn't matter. My life was a worthless joke anyways, if I lose Louis. . I expected that.

"I'll leave you be now." I opened the door, not giving him a second glance when stepping out and shutting it. I hurried in my house before he could say anything, and shut the door behind me, falling down it and letting out loud sobs.

Josh has to ruin everything, he has to create this place in my heart and brain that I can't get rid of. I hate it, and I hate him. What the fuck is wrong with him?

I hated myself too. I hated myself for comparing him to Louis, I hated myself for letting him use me, I hated myself for meeting him, I hated myself for trusting him, I hated myself for being gay, I hated myself for falling in love with a complete sociopath, and I hated myself for letting him come over and stay in my brain for those many years.

Just fucking forget him, you hate him, whore. Piece of motherfucking—

A knock at the door startled me, and I whirled my head up at it.

I stood and moved back before gently opening it. There stood Louis of course. "I would hate him too." He smiled warmly. My cries broke into a chuckle as I stared at the ground.

Louis stepped forward. "I understand why you didn't tell me, it's a hard topic. . like the insomnia thing- wait. . is that why you. ."

I sighed and nodded, staring him in the eyes. "Started the year before I went into high school."

Louis nodded. "Right, I remember. When you came out officially." I nodded.

He sighed and walked up to me, his arms circling around my neck as he hugged me tightly. My face buried into his shoulder comfortably and my arms went around his waist. "Did you tell him about me when he visited?" Louis asked quietly into my neck.

"I did, actually."

Louis pulled back but his arms were still around me, he searched my eyes. "What did you say?"

My cheeks flushed. "I described you pretty perfectly, but also told him you were my boyfriend to get him to leave."

Louis chuckled. "That's alright." A warm smile creeped onto my face as we stared at each other.
"You'll tell me if he says anything again?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Got any secrets of your own?"

He tensed for only a second. "For another time." I narrowed my brows slightly but nodded nevertheless.

"I wanna rest." He stepped back and grabbed my wrist, shutting the door then taking me up my stairs. It was almost like this was his house too.

Once we got into my room we kicked off our shoes and nicely got into my bed, Louis against my chest. I felt more exposed but I did really trust Louis, plus I knew I wasn't hiding much anymore. Other stuff will come later. .

*