The Boy I Shouldn't Want to Love

28. My first and my last

Liam slammed the door behind him, and just left, briskly along the road, barely knowing where he was going. He just needed the voices in his head to shut up, that the oxygen rushed back to his brain, because right now all he could hear was muffled, the outside world only a mere blurred background.

He took a firm step, only walking, until his heart threatened to jump out of his chest, until he had no more air to breathe. Then he had to stop, and as his footsteps slowed, his mind slowly cleared up too. Anger, disappointment faded every time he swallowed that sour lump in his throat, every time a little more.

And as he took his breath, another feeling made its way into him. A real sense of sickness, of dizziness, clinging to the pit of his stomach, just at the thought that... that...

Gabe. Gabe. Theo and Gabe. Gabe and Theo. Gabe. The same Gabe who had fucking beaten him up on New Year's. The same Gabe who still pestered Hayden... the same Gabe with whom Theo, by all accounts, was in constant war from middle school, the same who had stabbed him with a knife during a fight, the same Gabe who, albeit for a short time... had been Theo's step brother. Step-brother... A brother that Theo couldn't stand... fuck, everything sounded so awfully familiar... that Liam felt on the verge of throwing up.

His phone rang in his pocket and Liam took it out just to see Theo's name. He stared at it again and again, biting his lip with a twisted expression on his face... troubled, hurt, confused, disappointed... he was sure it was all terribly clear on his face. He was not yet ready to hear Theo's apology, his explanations, he wasn't even ready to hear his voice. Because he would have done nothing but strengthen that image in his head, again and again...

Theo and Gabe.

*

Theo stared at the door slamming behind Liam without daring to say anything. The blood that had gone cold in his veins when he saw that fucking list in Liam's hands began to boil and boil again.

Fuck it all.

He clenched his jaw, breaking that damned sheet into a thousand pieces, and dropping them to the ground, turning his back on the door, then turning again, taking a step and going back again. He brought his right hand to his hair, grasping it tightly and biting his inner cheek.

What was he supposed to do now? He knew it would end badly, because when did something ever go smoothly for them? It was a fucking constant apparently.

He sat down bodily on the couch, sighing and taking his head in his hands, trying to calm down.

Okay, Liam would be back. Obviously, he had to come back. And then he would explain to him. He would tell him that was just... all that was just... Fuck.

What would he say? That was the reason why he hadn't wanted Liam to ever find the list, why he hadn't even answered with sincerity the question Liam had asked him weeks earlier.

He had no answer, or at least not an answer that would cause Liam to keep looking at him in the same way he did now. Theo was a mess, he always had been. And he didn't want Liam to see that part of him, the part he'd tried to bury, the one he'd hoped to forget when he met Liam again

He grabbed the phone on impulse, and dialed Liam's number. He listened with his heart throbbing wildly along with the rings, which continued for a long time until the line was interrupted. He sighed, leaning against the back of the couch.

Well maybe he could give Liam some time alone...

*

When Mason opened the door, it was to find himself in front of a Liam with a face darker than a stormy sky. He looked at him in amazement as he passed him without saying a word, marching directly towards Mason's room.