The Boy I Shouldn't Want to Love

8. You're not alone

When Liam left the house closing the door behind him, Theo let himself fall even more against the sofa, a sigh that escaped his lips as his eyes slowly closed. He felt strangely dizzy, his eyelids heavy, and his breath broken. He squeezed more in the blanket when he was struck by another chill, and then kicked it away minutes later when he felt a burst of heat coming up his body. He cursed internally, as he brought his hand to his sweaty forehead. All he needed now was a fever. He hadn't felt so sick for years.

The voices from the TV seemed only distant echoes, and the light of the screen was a torture for his eyes, so he angrily raised the remote control to turn it off, and try to get some sleep. For a moment he thought of calling Tracy there, but then he thought better of it. He had neither the desire nor the strength to stand her at the moment.

He opened his eyes weakly, the silence surrounding him almost overwhelming, smothering. It was something he should have been used to. He had spent half his life in that place alone. It was not something that should have left him puzzled, or confused, or even sad. Certainly not sad.

But perhaps at some point he had begun to get used to it. Used to returning to a crowded house. With Liam and his stupid high-volume video games. With Jenna cooking something for dinner, the smell that filled the air as she hummed happily. Have someone to talk to at dinner, passing dishes and telling each other their day. Have someone to laugh with, someone to spend time with. Someone who cared about him. I'm not leaving if I don't know if you're okay. Theo had snorted an affectionate laugh at the umpteenth text from Liam, and he had finally decided to answer him before turning off the phone, trying to fall asleep.

He sighed. Listening to the silence, however, now he seemed to be back at the starting point. Perhaps in the end it hadn't changed that much.

You're alone, Theo. No one will come to help you. As always. You have to make it on your own

Theo breathed panting, his throat dry, his eyelids flicking shut.

Even him. He left too. He is running towards someone else ...

He felt tired, drained, every single limb of his body was heavy. He just wanted to sleep...

... just like she did. She's gone. She replaced you, Theo

Theo coughed, a hand over his eyes, his skin moist and warm to his own touch, his mind clouded, his thoughts swirling as he slowly let himself sink into an restless sleep.

You must really have to be a monster if not even your own mother wants you.

Theo, she's gone.

Do you mind staying home alone? You know daddy has to work ...

I hate you!

I would also rather be somewhere else!

If you keep pushing people away, you'll be alone!

Alone ...

Alone...

Don't you know? He is gone, Theo ...

He is gone ...

Four years ago - sixth grade

Theo glanced at the paper he held in his hand, before looking around among the dozens of boys who still crowded the corridor. He felt slightly intimidated, being in a new school, being surrounded by older kids, was something he had to get used to soon. But he pushed back every negative feeling, wearing his usual indifferent and unshakable mask, and followed the directions toward what, according to what the woman said at the entrance, must have been his class. While he lingered at the door, he found himself in a brief moment of weakness hoping that at least Josh was in his class. And his face widened in a smile, when he immediately noticed the boy, strictly at the last desk, his backpack thrown on the next seat, probably to keep the place for Theo. He joined him quietly, sitting up.