Santa's Really Sexy

Nik's Return

The cover is the new and improved Nik Sorrentino Clause. Enjoy!

I slipped on my backpack filled with my personal toiletries and instantly I teleported into the small helicraft along with Commander Elf, who is also the pilot, and as we lifted higher and higher off of the ground, the entire village came outside to see me off. I smiled rememberig their warm wishes and positive compliments of good luck. Commander Elf spoke into a radio speaker, "The helicraft has lifted and taken off has been permitted." A crackled voice replied from the radio. "Affirmative over." Commander Elf replied then turned to where I sat ucomfortably in the back of the mini helicraft. "Sorry Santa, even though it's a little stuffed back there, at least on the bright side the ride will be a minimum of maybe only 14 hours."

My eyes widen. "Minimum? Only?" My knees could touch my forehead back here if I bent just an inch forward. "We didn't know humans would grow to be such giants." He mumbled. I snickered at his little joke. Man, he just didn't have a clue. We sat in silence for a while as we flew through snow covered mountains and past vast lands of icy glaciers and snow. Still sitting in my awkward yoga position, I slowly nodded off to sleep.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I awoke as something cold and hard slugged me in the face. "Ouch! Shit! " I rubbed the side of my face in pain. "Nikolass, wake up. We have arrived. " Commander Elf barked. I peered through the windshield and saw the heartwarming view of the New York City skyline. "Excellent, " I smile a little to myself. Stella, I'm back baby. Grinning, I hop out of the cramped helicraft and noticed that we were parked on top of a random building. I stretch and graze my chin. My eyes widen as I feel what appears to be a beard. What the? "Nik, where do yo-" Commander Elf pauses and gasps as he looks at my face. "Oh my, the transformation has already begun. " He whispers. "What transformation?" I ask. Commander Elf tosses me a compact mirror. Opening it, I gasp disgusted with my new appearance. I now have a long, white beard with pudgy, rosy cheeks. My hair swirled with hues if gray and brown. I'm... I'm ...old! All my good looks.... gone. "Wh- How? " I sputtered. "You are beginning to look like your new self known as the Santa Transformation. For most of the winter season you will look like this, Santa. Until other seasons that is you'll look like you did in your old lifestyle ." Commander Elf explained. "But Christmas is over, so why do I need to look like.... this when it's February ? " He shrugs. "Every Santa ages differently." "This is horrible timing. I can't face Stella like this. She'll think that I am some old, creepy man. " I sigh and run my fingers through my thinning hair. "Well, you can't just turn back now. " Commander Elf says. He's right. I cringe just thinking about that uncomfortable helicraft ride. I've come all this way to win back my girlfriend, turning back now would be pathetic. I don't know how I'm going to pull this off, but I'll have to think of something.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Well, on that rooftop I totally jinxed myself there, practically. I banged on my front door for the hundredth time. I'm surprised my front gate guards weren't on duty. I'll fire them once they get back though, I shrug making a little mental note. "Someone please let me inside my home. It's your boss, Nikolass. I demand that you open this door immediately! " I rub my red sore fists. I hear voices on the other side of the door. "It's some old man claiming to be the Young Master. Although he does sound like him. " I identify the voice as Oliver's, my butler. "Open the door, this could be interesting. " I hear. Vargus? What the fuck is he doing here? My large front door opens and I face Oliver who still looked the same. I smile. Vargus appears and he smirks. I guess I do look a little weird in my green overalls and red sweater. But it's comfy. Wait, eww! What am I saying? I'd never wear something like this. Vargus leans closer sizing me up. "Alright you Brooklyn hobo you have exactly one minute to explain yourself. "Vargus instructed picking at his talons that he calls nails. " Your name is Vargus Anthony David Sorrentino. You were born on September 25th-" He cuts me off. "He knows how to use Wikipedia! " He laughs ending it with an obnoxious snort. "Forty-eight seconds and counting." He adds tapping the glass of his new Rolex. I ball my fists at my side. "Up until second grade you ate bugs except worms because you told me that they are too slimy. You have a scrape on the back of your left leg from when you and I secretly jumped off that cliff in the woods back in high school when Denny Picallo dared us to. You hate eggplant and onions. When it rains you wear only blue and drink chamomile tea with four sugar cubes. At my thirteenth birthday party you broke my arm and since you were scared of getting in trouble, you told me to lie to Mom and Papa saying that it was my fault. They still believe me to this day. On your first day of high school you accidentally wore woman's jeans and the only person you told was me. " Even though that was a little over a minute, Vargus seemed highly impressed. He leaned closer and examined my face. His eyes grew wide with shock. "Why, Nikolass! It really is you. " He chuckles and slugs me in the jaw with his right fist. My beard cushions some of the impact and I quickly recover from the unexpected blow. "You think handling your shit for you while you vacation in the Bahamas was easy! I have my own life and business to tend to, plus Papa was on my back about some mafia bullshit! I can't do this, juggling around your shit on top of my work is too stressful. " He yells. I could tell he's been wanting to get that off his chest by the way he looked relieved and he quickly calmed down. "Are you done?" I grumble pushing my way into my home. Nothing appeared to be different. "Spread the word that I'm back, will ya? " I ask collapsing onto my untouched couch. "Yeah whatever, you look like shit by the way and you owe me. " Vargus smirks before giving me a bro hug and seeing his way out. What an ass.