Away We Go • 2 • Formula One

Chapter 41

the answer to the last chapter's cliff hanger won't be mentioned straight away...

please engage throughout and don't forget to vote! i also love to read your comments x

~***~

I never wanted to leave the quaint cottage by the beach because, for the first time since the start of my racing career, I wasn't looking forward to the race weekend ahead. Sure there were weekends that I dreaded, such as Baku, but at least I felt something. Even when I was experiencing the tampering and sabotage of my car last season, I remained optimistic for each race weekend and the rush of excitement (although it was often paired with nerves) made me want to race. There were no nerves as such. In place of the usual excitement was an indescribable heaviness not dissimilar to the numbness one might feel when too cold. All of my muscles felt unnecessarily tense, and no matter how often Max would gently rub the skin, it persisted. After giving him my response to his life-changing question, I was pleased to say that he didn't act any different towards me than he already would. Max was just as loving as ever before, and his hesitance to hold me tightly was down to the fact my wound caused me discomfort.He seemed to pick up on my change in mood, however his attempts at trying to get to the bottom of it without me catching on were not subtle. I did catch on, but it wasn't something I wanted to talk about. How was I supposed to explain it to him if I didn't understand it myself?

In addition to all of that, another reason I didn't want to leave was that I had a nightmare-free night. It may have been dreamless, but I'd happily take that any day over the painful images that plagued my sleep for the last week and a half. Because I didn't have any nightmares, I was relieved to find that Max didn't bring them up. I don't know how I would begin to tell him that the cause of most of my pain in my dreams was him. He's the type of person who would feel guilty for something like that even though it is out of his control and completely created by my own stupid brain. I had a horrible feeling that they'll only start again once I'm forced to focus on the race weekend.

Max and I had a shared flight out on Tuesday afternoon. With everything that had happened to us, Max was the one to suggest we fly out privately. I wasn't going to argue the idea when it would reduce my anxieties about being out in public. Damien had already warned me that a lot of different media companies were trying to get ahold of me for an update on my diagnosis of endometriosis, but I refused to give any more detail than what I said in my social media posts. Firstly, it was no-one's business but my own - my body, my rules - and secondly, I did not want any putting pieces of my personal puzzle together and find out the truth about my miscarriage. I got enough stick as it was because of my gender and I didn't think it would help my public image if I gave the trolls ammunition against me. When we landed in Nice a little before seven o'clock, I was grateful that Max knew of the quietest route out of the airport in order to minimise the chances of running into a fan.

Relief washed over me when we finally reached Max's apartment. He had insisted on carrying my bag for me so that I didn't accidentally damage my still-healing wound, which I thanked him for with a soft kiss on the cheek. His apartment's air conditioning was a pleasant change for the humid conditions outside. It felt as if we were in need of a rain, but I dreaded checking the weather in case I saw that it was predicted to fall during a session this weekend.

"How're you feeling?" Max asked, joining me on the sofa. I wasted no time in snuggling into his side, my head resting on his chest.

"Not too bad," I answered honestly. "A little hungry, maybe."

"Well, you haven't eaten anything since breakfast so that's understandable," he commented. His arm was wrapped around my shoulder whilst his hand gently stroked my dulling hair. "Pierre and Cate invited us over to theirs for dinner tonight, if we wanted. I said I'd see how you were feeling first, and then tell you about it after in case you were to lie about how you were feeling."