I'm Not Leaving // lrh

68 || healing

boston
1:00pm

A

When I explained my situation with my dad to everyone at work, they sent me their best wishes, told me they'd keep him in their prayers, and implored me to take all the time I need.

At first I wasn't sure if I should take any time at all considering I still have to tell Demna my decision about Paris. Shay's already committed.

But he insisted, take all the time and then some. And even though I didn't know if it would be advantageous for my career, I was still grateful he gave me the time.

Enough time to finish my pro and con list.

Con: Paris is too far away from my dad
Con: my dad's too sick for me to go even an inch farther than New York
Con: if anything were to happen, I'm not going to reach my dad fast enough

And so, that's that. No Paris. Not surprised about this decision.

Just surprised that it hurts so much more than I thought it would.

It felt like an entire branch of a possible life has completely disintegrated before it was even given a chance to fully bloom, fully form.

I didn't even think I wanted it that badly until I realized I couldn't have it.

Though, I should've seen that coming...

The part of me that doesn't want to feel, or think, or worry about any of this still wished deep down, they wanted me to come back to the office right away. So I could drown myself in work and not think about it for a single moment, so it won't hurt or scare me for a second more.

But that's a bad thing too, isn't it?

When the doctors told me the surgery went perfectly, that they'll be discharging my dad in a few days, I finally felt like I could breath. The entire time since I got that phone call I've been holding my breath so tight my mid section ached, begging for relief.

But the calm only lasted a second because I, in natural form, found a million things to busy myself with.

I got to work on preparing my dads house for his return. I called Noni, filled her in and reiterated over and over he was okay now so she wouldn't panic or anything overseas by herself. I arranged for her to fly in, she should be here the next morning. I called my grandpa too, and he's also coming but he hates flying so he'll take the drive out and he'll be here soon too.

The doctors found out my dad hurt his hip too when he collapsed. There's a second level, a lip, in his office at P.P, where his desk is. When he fell, he slipped on the step. So Logan and I made a makeshift bedroom in the first floor of his house so he's not forced to use the stairs while he's recovering. I had half a mind to barricade the stairs so he's not even tempted to use them, but Nate talked me out of it.

And, for my own peace of mind, his new room is right by the door. Just in case.

I hired an in home nurse just in case, too. I prepped the bedroom, tucked away all his work stuff so he's not even tempted to lift a finger. I got the whole house cleaned, had groceries delivered and made a schedule for more deliveries and more cleanings if and when I get back to New York. I was having anxiety attacks every day trying to get it all done.

And worst of all, I had to go to P.P and have a meeting with The Board.

Everyone told me it was fine if I didn't show face, if I don't do anything at all.