I'm Not Leaving // lrh

17 || lost here in london, with nothing, i was running back to you

soho, london
23:00

A

We spent the entire afternoon eating, drinking more, but talking less. Reminiscing never lasts too long, it always reaches the oh so tragic Luke and Amara breakup everyone else was forced to go through. Such a vibe killer.

Luke laid his head in my lap while we enjoyed the sun and the grass and just talked. And I knew I was forgiven.

The day reminded me of the first time he took me to Australia for some reason. I met his family for the first time, we went to the beach every day. We laid out on picnic blankets just like this and I remember thinking there's no way this is my life. I remember wondering what did I do to get myself there in the most grateful way possible.

And laughing with my friends, feeling the sun gently kissing my shoulders, taking photos and listening to music I wondered the same thing. How is this my life? No way this is my life.

I also felt guilty deep down, that little voice inside my head is always telling me I don't deserve to be here, I left all this behind. How dare I try and enjoy it.

After our picnic we did a bit of shopping, mostly just walked into stores and looked at things while trying to come up with something funny to say about them.

We stopped for more coffee and cigarettes, it's not really a day out in the city without them I suppose.

I mostly kept my head down, tattooed covered up, sunglasses on. I was paranoid that fans would recognize me, I don't know what it would mean if it got out that I was hanging around the boys again. I just didn't want to risk it.

Still though, Jesse and I watched from a distance. From experience we knew the boys favorite way of meeting fans is by accident, making them laugh and exchanging a joke or two. They're so much better at it now. It used to make them so nervous.

We decided by nightfall to go to a bar that Ashton and Calum love, the night isn't over until we've had some shots. And coming off an alcohol free week before my work in Paris I was more than willing to get the first round on me.

"Oh my god." Luke exclaimed, his arm coming around my shoulder to pull me close.

"What?" I ask, trying to follow his gaze to the menu above us.

"Oh you're gonna shit yourself."

"What! What!"

"They have pickle back shots." He exclaimed in my ear.

"No! No... no way." I say giggling and squinting and gasping, "There's absolutely no way."

Luke points at 'pickle-back shots!' written in white chalk like a perfect little gift.

"Oh we have to. Come on. Excuse me, bartender!" He calls out playfully, ordering a round of pickle back shots for the table.

"They're gonna lose their minds. I haven't had one of these in so long. I didn't even know they existed outside of Portland." I say, trying very carefully to take the small tray of shots back over to our table.

"I didn't either, it shouldn't be allowed how good they are." Luke reminds me, settling into the booth before me.

"Are those?" Jesse asks, eyes wide and a smile forming on her lips.

"They are." Luke answers.

"Wait! I have to document this I can't believe I'm seeing this. With my own eyes." Michael says quickly, Crystal handing him his phone from her purse.