I'm Not Leaving // lrh

23 || side stage

atlice arena
lisbon, portugal
may 2015

L

"I don't think she's gonna make it." I check my phone for the time, for any sign of life from her end, but nothing. The texts are still green, fucks sake.

"Dude, she'll be here." Maddie promises.

"Mar wouldn't miss this."

"Has she called?" I press.

"Well. No-"

"Jess?" I turn in the other direction.

"Sorry, Hemms." She sighs.

As much as I like this particular duo, one half more than the other these days, I would give anything to trade them for their best friend.

I hid in the restrooms and flushed the toilet even though I hadn't used it, so it wouldn't seem like I was hiding. I grabbed some paper towels from the dispenser and had to use them to sop up the sweat forming at my pits and temple.

But soon enough out stylist was at the door, knocking and telling me I had to get dressed. When I went back into the green room, I scanned the crowd. Sheesh. Why is there so many people here? Musicians. Publicists. Journalists.

And not a single one of them is the only one I want to see right now.

After we all changed into our outfits for stage, and got warned to behave during the show. It's our performance. Our fans. Our everything. We can't just fuck off for half an hour while the crowd waits for the real talent to get here. So no middle fingers or curse words, the boys and I were headed for the stage to wait out the timer since we had nothing left to do.

But we were pulled into a random broom closet like in a screwball comedy.

Jesse and Maddie brought us a gift. A handful of pre rolled joints. For the nerves. But also to celebrate the first night of tour. And even deeper anxiety sets in.

I have to feel like this every night.

And it's not like we could spark up in our green room. Not at this point in the game. So broom closet it is.

"You are an angel, how the hell did you secure this?" Ashton tells Jesse after thanking her with a kiss to her temple.

He throws his arm around her neck, to pull her in close. He kisses her temple then takes the first hit of the lit joint.

And my arms feel emptier than ever.

"This one's the angel. She promised to go out with one of the ticket scanners tomorrow night." Jesse points at Maddie with her foot, making Maddie laugh as she smacks the platform boots out of the way.

"But we're leaving tomorrow night." Calum chuckles.

"Exactly." Maddie smiles.

The joint did nothing to help the nerves and I took brave, long puffs every time it was passed to me. I was dreading every second that ticked closer to showtime. I felt so isolated. Ashton has Jesse. Calum's obsessed with Maddie. Even Michael is. And it's just me alone and lost in my own head.