DHADKAN

SHATTERED

PLEASE DO NOT SKIP!

If you want you can but I just want to tell you that after a long time I have gathered enough courage to open up. And I want u to be with me when I say this because it's important. I promise it won't take long.

So I have been avoiding to talk about this for so long.......to talk about him because I wasn't ready. But now I think it's time that I should speak up. Kyunki abhi nhi to kabhi nhi!

It's been a month and a half since he left us. You know whom I am talking about, right? So when I got the news I won't say I was shocked. I was completely shaken! Guess I still am!

The news didn't sunk in. My parents and family couldn't understand my reaction. They didn't understand why it was such a big deal.....why I reacted the way I did. I couldn't explain to them what he was for me. That how much it will hurt to speak of him in the past tense.

I was broken, disturbed, and shattered. I just couldn't focus on my life. It won't be wrong if I say that I was, I am personally affected! I guess all of us are.

You must be thinking who he is to me & why I want to talk about him. Well, he is my inspiration! Sushant Singh Rajput!!

So starting from the very start, it was the one moment of my life when he sent me following request on Instagram followed by another moment when I felt happiest in my life. He had wished me birthday!

Let me just tell you why he's so special to me. Sushant or Sush as I fondly call him, is the only person I'd always looked up at whenever I felt low in in life. Because he was my inspiration, my motivation, and my guidance. He's been my support without even knowing. He was so intelligent, thoughtful & always full of life. He was brilliant in whatever he did. From flying planes to watching stars on telescope, he was a complete being. A complete soul! Beautiful like an angel but too good for this world. And when he left me like that in the middle of this journey called 'life', yes it hurts!

From where I have known him, Sushant was always his best. I had been one of his secret admirers. Because I didn't want to share him with anyone. Yes I was selfish! I have always been fond of Sushant Singh Rajput, not just the actor or the celebrity, but the person behind it. Because his life has never been limited to acting, he was more than that.....more than one can ever be. Only if you knew! And I can proudly say that I had! I had followed him long enough to know the person that he was.

One thing that I discovered after he left is that he had mattered more than I ever thought. That he had meant more than I knew. That I had liked him more than I thought I did. I had never thought about something like this to happen but I had also never thought that his death would affect me like the way it did.......the way it does.

Life has never been easy on me. A person like me who has herself been a victim of bullying & criticism, I can say that I do understand his pain. I can say because I know what it feels like when no one likes you for no reason. I know that feeling of not having any friend. I know the feeling of being lonely. I know how it feels when dying seems easy than living. I know all that because I have reached that point in my life. I can only fathom what he had to go through.

And when he left, I felt like my sunshine was taken from me. It took good 6 weeks for the shock to sunk in. And just when I had started thinking that I had accepted the obvious fact, I faced the reality once again. And wasn't until yesterday when I was watching his last baby, Dil Bechara. That's when I realised that I still haven't accepted that he is not there. I haven't accepted even after a month that we are never going to see him again or that he is not coming back. He was so lively that my heart swelled and my eyes welled up. I fell for him, my sunshine :)