Haikyuu One Shots

Rain ~ Iwaoi

Trigger Warming: This story contains the topics of set harm and depression.
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Oikawa POV

Sometimes life just feels like a waste. I'll lie in my bed for hours thinking about that. Wondering why I'm even here. I act all happy and cocky and stuff and sometimes feel it too. But other times, everything just hits me.

I'll stay awake distracting myself afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. Sometimes I wish someone would notice. I don't have the guts to ask for help and probably never will. Sometimes I'll wish that my mom would walk in on my while I'm crying late at night. But at the same time I've learned to cry silently so she doesn't hear and doesn't have to worry.

What sucks the most is my life is pretty good. I have volleyball and all the girls love me. I'm getting good grades and my parents are loving towards me. I shouldn't feel sad and depressed I should be happy and excited for life to continue. That just makes me feel even worse.

Tonight is just like the others. Maybe even a little worse. The earth seems to agree with me. Rain slowly trickles down from the heavens above. As time passes the clouds cry harder and harder.

I've gotten to the point where I want to cry, but can't do it. No matter how hard I try. My eyes well up with tears but then they are push back. Like my brain is telling me to man up. Feel happy. Be happy.

I lie on my bed hopeless. My thoughts scare me sometimes but tonight I'm finally able to let a few tears out.

I don't know why my heart aches and hurts as it begs to say sometimes. I wish I could hear what it's trying to tell me. Even when I let a few tears escape my eyes the pain doesn't really stop. I know how to stop it. In fact the thought of how I can stop it scared me so much that I quickly hid my pocket knife my dad gave me.

Of course hiding it from my sight can't keep me away forever. I've refused to use it. Mainly so people don't know I feel like this sometimes. Mainly so he won't know.

Yes he can be mean. But behind his hurtful words is kindness. I've broken down in front of him and without hesitation he was by my side calming me down and holding me. I feel guilty not tell him about this. I've tried but can never bring myself to do it.

Tonight feels different. Maybe because it's raining. Maybe it's because I've silence my phone ignore the few texts I'm getting from him. I feel guilty texting him in this moment. I've moved. I'm sitting up on my bed staring at the pocket knife I retrieved.

I cry slightly begging myself to look away begging my self to feel ok. People says it gets better. But all of that seems hopeless now.

I hear small pebbles thrown at the window. I don't move. My desk light by the window is on. Its clear I'm awake. Though my bed is surrounded by the demons of the dark. All that can be herd is the rain and my head. My head screaming at me to put the knife away. I know people care about me. So why can't I care about me?

I pick up the knife and stare down at my hands. I don't want to do it. I just want the pain to leave. I can't do it. I'm so scared. I hear a knock at my window but can't look up. The tears start coming harder knowing how disappointed he'll be knowing how mad he'll be. How could you do this to yourself. You have so much going for you why do you feel this why. I wish I had an answer.

The window is pushed open and the boy climbs in, something he's be doing since we were kids. We even kept a ladder close by but hidden so our parents wouldn't know.

I just stare mindlessly at the knife letting tears fall. My bed creeks as he takes a seat next to me. I start to shake lightly and keep staring at the knife while the tears slowly stop. He doesn't say anything but I feel his strong gaze on me.

He doesn't need to say anything. Maybe saying nothing is good. His actions are speaking for him. He's careful reaches out grabbing my wrist lightly. He pull up my sleeve checking my wrist before doing the same to the other. After finding nothing he slowly picks up the knife and sets it to the side.

He gently wraps his hands around mine saeezing them softly as if to say I'm here. His hands are cold and a little damp but soothing. I squeeze his hand lightly and feel the tears that have been hiding finally start to surface. I sniffle quietly and slowly let the tears fall. He comes closer to me and wraps his arms around me.

"I'm so proud of you." He whispers.

I've tried many thing to get myself to cry. Watching depressing stuff thinking about it reading about it. But my body never let me. It's like I've trained it all these years and finally it succeeds when I need it to fail. Who knew that all along all I needed was compassion to set me off. Someone to tell me there here someone to tell me they care. Maybe after all I didn't know people were there for me.

I quietly sob wrapping my arms around his neck burring my face into his chest. He hugs he tighter pulling me close. I can hear his heartbeat and feel his breathing. My crying is quiet but my body beings to release all the tears it's been holding back, thinking I needed to be strong.

I cry into his arms feeling the weight slowly flake off my shoulders.

The tears don't last forever. You have to run out eventually. Or maybe it's finally telling me to talk. Either way I've never felt so relived to cry in my life. I never would have thought this is what I needed.

"Why..." I whisper. His words sounded so real and pure. Like he ment it but why. The words I'm proud should be said to someone who pulled through. Who's finally happy and content with life. Someone who wakes up in the morning and goes out to achieve things they what to achieve in life. Not someone like me. Someone who is barley holding on. I don't deserve to hear those words.

"Because... you didn't do it. No matter how much you wanted to you didn't do it. You're so strong Oikawa. I'm so proud of you." His words ring through my head but my body doesn't react much. I let out and shaky sigh and hold onto the boy tighter feeling safer in his arms.

"Why did you come over."

"Because I was worried. You seemed off the last couple of days. I won't lie you're good at hiding your emotions. But I've know you long enough to be able to tell when you're not ok."

I nod in his chest breathing in the smell of the rain coming from my open window along with a cool awakening breeze. "Your not alone Oikawa. I'm here for you. Like you're there for me. And right now, no matter how hard you try to push me away, I'll be sitting next to you. And I'll hold you as long as you need." He plants and soft kiss on the top of my head and I cling onto him harder afraid his words won't be the truth. Afraid he could disappear at any second.

"Stay with me." I whisper feeling him hold onto me tighter, like he feels the fear of me disappearing and drowning in my mind.

"Of course. I love you Tooru. I'm never leaving you." I smile lightly and sit up planting a soft kiss on his lips. "I love you too Hijame."

He smiles and wraps his arms around me bringing my head to rest on his shoulder as he plays with my hair. "Your hair is so soft it's annoying." He says softly making me chuckle.

I'm not alone in this world. You're not alone. No matter how badly you want to hurt yourself and end all the pain, think about that one person who would miss you. There is always someone. Maybe you haven't meet them yet. But there is someone out there for you. Don't give up. Stay for that person and soon you'll be able to stay for yourself.
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Sorry this one is so deep. I just want to say I get what's it like to feel alone and be in pain. You'll get through it because you're strong. No matter what don't give up. There's a future for you. A future where your smiling.

I'm going to do more light hearted ones in the future but I really needed to vent my emotions even if it was through someone else. Anyway hope y'all enjoyed and stay tuned. If you have any sips you want me to do just let me know.

Stay strong 😊

1560 words