the city // joshler

20

mason's point of view

"i know, ty. just not as much as you love him." i reach up and cup his cheek with my free hand and feel myself shed a tear.

"i'm sorry, mason, i'm so sorry." tyler can hardly look at me now and i can tell he feels guilty, that he's in pain.

"i know, darling. it's okay. come here." i pull him into a hug and i let myself break with him.

standing in the living room, holding each other and crying, i still have no anger. i'm not mad at him. i could never be, not even for this.

"i'm sorry," he says it again, over and over.

"i know, ty. it's okay. i'm not mad at you. i could never be mad at you for feelings. the heart wants what it wants. wouldn't be a saying if it wasn't a common occurrence," i tell him. i know i'm using too many words, i'm comforting him out loud to try and comfort myself. i'm not mad at him at all, but it doesn't make it sting any less.

"i think i'm gonna go stay with shane tonight." i pull away and kiss his forehead. "we can talk more in the morning, yeah?"

"okay." he nods and watches as i walk upstairs to grab a bag.

i take a random backpack and throw some clothes in it. i don't have work in the morning, thank god. i'm not sure i would have managed.

i plan on getting very drunk tonight. i do have a stop i have to make first though.

i walk back downstairs and see tyler on the couch, hugging his knees to his chest and crying silently still. i set my bag down and walk over to him, crouching in front of him and putting my hands on his knees.

"i love you, tyler. i'll see you tomorrow and we can talk more, okay?"

he nods and i stand up, pressing a kiss on the top of his head before grabbing my bag and leaving.

once i'm in my car, i let myself crack. i feel myself break all the way through and begin to cry harder than i have in a very long time.

my marriage is over. i never thought it would happen. i love tyler, even now, so much. it hurts worse than i could have imagined. in my heart, i know that it's better this way. all i ever wanted was for him to be happy. if josh is what his heart wants, then i want that for him.

i take a breath and calm myself down and then i pull out of the driveway, turning some quiet music on.

i have his address saved from the first time tyler went to see him. i checked his location, just the once, so i would know where he was if he went missing. you never know these days.

when i pull up, i'm thankful to see lights on. i would have knocked even if they weren't though.

i get out of my car and i knock on his door, three times, hard enough to make my knuckles hurt.

when he opens the door, he's wearing a tshirt covered in paint and sweatpants. "uh, hello?"

"i'm gonna assume you know who i am. and i came to tell you that tyler and i are getting a divorce," i tell him. it hurts more saying it out loud, but i continue, "and i'm not here to fight you, even if i wanted to. i'm here to say that as much as i want to scream in your face and yell at you, i'm not going to because i want tyler to be happy. if you are what makes him happy, then i'll have to learn to live with it. i'm not mad at him for having feelings and i know he'll think i'm mad at him, but i could never blame him for that. and-," i pause and notice a ring on his hand. "are you fucking married?"

josh, who has remained silent this whole time, looks down at his hand and his face goes from an expression of confusion and shock to one of... sadness? i can't place the feeling i get from him, but then he speaks.

"widowed."

and then i understand. grief.

"fuck." i feel the frustration that i had built up dissolving. "i'm sorry."

"don't be. i'm sorry. for everything."

the strangest thing is, he means it. i can't even be mad at him because there is no insincerity on his tone. he's genuinely sorry and man, i wish he weren't so kind. it would make things so much easier if i could be mad at him. but there's nothing in me that feels it.

"no one's fault, man. the heart wants what it wants," i repeat the phrase again, not sure what else to say.

"i do love him, if it helps. i love him more than i've ever loved anyone," he admits this to me and i know when he says anyone he means his late husband.

"i believe you." i put my hand out for him to shake. "it's a good thing, too, because i think if you hurt him i'll have to break as many of your bones as i physically can."

"i would be more upset if you didn't." he shakes my hand.

"well, okay. i guess i'll go now. i'm sorry for bothering you."

"no worries. drive safe."

though it was anticlimactic, it was at least a start to the closure i need. and fuck, i even have him to thank for that.

(an: it is fun to write a story where the main character is the one causing the issue and the husband is the good guy. and you want to root for him but the love interest is also a good guy who genuinely cares about everyone and is so kind. like it's fun to me as a writer to see that sort of dynamic like mason comforting tyler and josh comforting mason. it's interesting to me at least that tyler is who i view as a main character and he's the easiest to be mad at here. idk this is kinda just me rambling now lol anyway 5 chapters left :D)