the city // joshler

7

tyler's point of view

on my drive home, all i can think about is how close i was to kissing josh goodbye when i left his house. it just felt like the natural thing to do, like it was supposed to happen. i felt strange not having done it and find myself wondering if his lips would taste the same.

no.

my knuckles are white on the steering wheel, my fists clenched tightly as i drive. the radio plays a song i don't recognize to create a quiet soundtrack to my mental breakdown. i'm a horrible person. how are all these feelings coming back? i was so young, it makes no sense.

i'm just overreacting. i am. this is no big deal. it's nothing. i met a friend for coffee. that's all that happened. it's fine. there's no feelings, just nostalgia. at least, that's what i'm trying to tell myself.

but i wanted it to be more.

i wanted it to be like the movies, where he tells me he missed me more than anything and kisses me until my lips are all but bruised. i wanted to hear him tell me he was in love with me, that i was the muse for all the art hanging in his home and he thought of me every day.

and he didn't.

-

when i'm home, i kiss grace on the forehead and then walk into the kitchen. i have to pretend to be normal now or i'll fall apart. everything will fall apart.

"where's your dad?" i ask her, washing my hands in cold water in hopes it'll calm my nerves a bit.

"he's in the bathroom," grace follows me into the kitchen and sits at the table. "what's for dinner?"

i take the beef i had set away to thaw and put it into a pan. "spaghetti."

shortly after i explain to grace that i don't know why its called spaghetti, mason's voice carries into the room.

"was that my wonderful husband i heard?" he walks into the kitchen and sees me, coming towards me with open arms. "hey, baby. how was it?"

"it was nice." i hug him and kiss his cheek. "nothing exciting."

"you know what is exciting?"

"what?"

"grace got an a on her math test!"

i pull away from mason to lift grace out of her chair and hug her tight. "oh, my goodness! i am so proud of you!"

grace giggles and then takes my hand, "daddy, since i did so good on my test, do you think i could have dessert before dinner?"

"no, but you can have 10 extra minutes of tv time tonight." i poke her nose and wink at her.

my baby.

she wouldn't understand. a pang of guilt goes through me once more at the thought of breaking up our family and hurting her.

"better than nothing!" she says, heading off to do who knows what.

i sigh and go back to cooking, hoping mason doesnt mention my visit with josh anymore.

of course, he can't hear my hopes.

"so, what did you and john talk about?"

"his name's josh." i clear my throat, trying not to sound defensive of him.

"right. well, what did you guys talk about?" he doesnt sound angry, just genuinely curious. i'm thankful for that.

"nothing really. we talked about his work and about grace. college." i shrug. "just caught up. it's been awhile since that summer we met."

"right. you guys dated that summer, huh. think i got any competition?" he walks up behind me and hugs me, placing a kiss on my neck.

"oh, obviously," i play along with sarcasm, knowing it'd seem more suspicious if i didn't.

i feel mason smile on my skin. "i love you."

"i love you."

but for the first time in a long time, i don't know if i believe it.

-

through dinner, i'm not very talkative. i hadn't even noticed until mason brought it up. shit.

"ty, you okay? you're not talking much."

"oh, yeah. i'm just tired, sorry. been feeling weird all day."

mason looks like he's going to start to say something, but he doesn't speak. he only gives me a look that lets me know he's going to ask later.

and he does.

that night, as we're laying in bed, mason asks if i'm okay again.

"yeah." i offer him a small smile. "like i said, just tired. my social battery has kinda run out and it's always weird seeing people from the past, right?"

"yeah, i get that. as long as you're okay, love." he kisses my cheek and then wraps his arm around me.

"i'm okay."

am i though?

(an: just a heads up that chapters might be shorter from here on out. at the time it was because i didn't listen to tøp as much anymore but im back now! i just dont want to add anything substantial because people who already read it will have missed out!)