the city // joshler

17

tyler's point of view

i'm in the kitchen making dinner when mason comes home. he walks straight to gracie, who is sitting at the kitchen table coloring.

"hey, pumpkin. how are you?" he kisses the top of her head.

"i'm good! i'm coloring a picture for granny!" she puts the crayon in her hand down to show him.

"i love it." he kisses her head again and walks over to me, pressing a small kiss on my cheek before leaving the room, saying nothing else.

that's when i feel it building. i feel the tension, the way he didn't want to kiss my cheek at all. i can tell he's frustrated, that he is getting tired of my fickle heart and the way i have distanced myself. it's cold like the tile im standing on now and it leaves the room feeling empty, even with both grace and i in it.

i put the vegetables in the pan they belong in and grab my phone, deciding to turn on some music as a distraction. i'm not even sure what song is playing, i just let it take up the space while i prepare our food.

i'm making a sort of pasta dish, something my mom gave me the recipe for that i don't know the name of. it's got veggies, cheese, pasta, and spices. it sounded delicious when she mentioned it and i happened to have the ingredients for it.

mason comes back down and i hear him walk into the living room, followed by the sound of the tv turning on. i can't tell what he's watching and i don't really care that much anyway. my mind is busy enough as it is.

"grace, are you sure you don't have any homework?" i ask her, glancing over to the table where she sits.

"i'm sure." she nods, still focused on her picture.

"have i told you how proud i am of you? and how much i love you?"

she looks up at me this time and blows me a kiss. "thank you, i'll be here all week."

i laugh a little and shake my head, going back to my cooking.

i find my mind drifting to josh again, to what my mom said. i do know what to do. but i am scared. what if i ruin everything and josh changes his mind? what if something happens? what is grace hates me after?

i feel myself getting anxious and take a deep breath. it's okay. it'll be okay, no matter what i decide.

-

"grace, go tell dad that the food's ready while i make plates." i turn the stove off and hear her get out of her chair. i add, "and wash your hands!"

"yes, sir." she skips out of the kitchen to find mason.

i put our three plates on the table in our respective spots and hesitate for a moment when i put mason's plate next to mine. does he even want to sit next to me? i wonder what he thinks happened between josh and i. i wonder if he thinks i had sex with him. god.

when mason and gracie come back into the kitchen and sit down, i take my seat as well.

"thanks, daddy." grace thanks me before she begins to eat.

she's so good. she's polite and smart and funny. i'm so lucky to have her. i would be absolutely broken if i ever lost her.

"no problem." i smile at her and then start to eat.

"thanks, tyler." mason says quietly, taking a sip of his water.

"oh. yeah, no problem."

after that, we settle into what feels to me like an awkward silence. i wonder what they're thinking.

"daddy, how do you know mr. dun?" grace asks this, completely innocently, and adds, "you said you knew each other at the conferences."

i feel the air grow even thicker than it was and i know she didn't mean to do anything, but as soon as she finishes her question, i feel my chest all but cave in and i watch as mason's grip tightens around his fork.

and fuck, what do i tell her?

"we knew each other when we were teenagers," i tell her. "we worked on his uncle's farm during the summer." i nod and hope my answer is good enough.

"that's cool. were there chickens?" is all she says.

"yes, there were chickens."

"so, grace, are you excited for your play?" mason changes the subject, which tells me he's hurting, but i am grateful for it.

"yeah! i've been practicing a lot! i'm gonna be really good. plus my hair matches." she takes another bite to punctuate her sentence.

"you're gonna do great, hun, i can't wait to see it."

i feel the sinking in the pit of my stomach return, the burn behind my eyes coming back with it.

i'm a horrible person.

-

i'm sitting in bed, scrolling through facebook, not really looking at anything but just trying to pass time until i fall asleep.

mason comes out of the bathroom wearing his pjs and sits next to me. i put my phone down, now knowing what to expect.

"tyler." he sighs. "did you have sex with him?"

"what? no, i wouldn't do that." i look to him, panic rising in my chest.

"okay."

with that hanging between us, he goes to sleep.

(an: this one is a little heavier. im realizing this is a very heavy book. its hard holding the weight of being such an amazing plot builder on my shoulders while also holding the ability to never maintain a consistent quality of writing. some chapters flop, some are great. anyway, next week im getting a bo burnham tattoo if that tells you anything about my mental health currently.

edit: my tattoo is cool as shit)