ALL THE LOVE WE LEAVE BEHIND

Chapter 20

~Blair~

'I didn't cheat on you.'

My eyes had read and re-read those words almost a billion times, till they registered in my head, making me sound like the biggest fool on the planet.

What was worse is that I loathed myself after reading that letter, but not because I flew across the country without giving Tyler an explanation, but because if I had the chance to do so, I'd do it again.

It took me an hour to process the entire letter, after which I told Tyler I would meet him wherever he thought would be appropriate, but that wasn't to take him back- I just didn't tell him that. I wanted to meet him to apologize for what I did.

It wasn't fair for me to put someone I cared about through so much- and over a rumor? I scoffed, as I realized how foolish I had been to let something like that come between us. What was worse, was that had Lexi and I not pulled our pathetic prank and stolen Charlotte's clothes, none of this would have happened in the first place. It was all my fault.

Yet, in some sick twisted way, I was glad it happened- because it led me to him- Dylan.

I was aware of how that made me sound, which is why I contained myself from letting things escalate with Dylan even further. I figured I owed Tyler that much. After all, it wasn't his fault, it was mine.

Last night's dinner with Dylan was spent in silence. We ordered burgers and fries, and while we ate and even cleaned the place together, we barely said a word. I didn't know which direction to go in, but in the heat of the moment- either pathways seemed as though they'd hurt someone or the other. So, I decided to wait a while, leave Lexi a 10 minute voicemail, and then sleep on my predicament.

As dawn broke, there was only one person on my mind- Dylan.

Despite me telling myself that it was wrong with Dylan, and I wasn't even sure if he felt the same way as yet, I couldn't shrug off the feeling of needing him, craving him, wanting only him.

I even replayed memories of Tyler and me in my head, in the hope that it would help me make the right decision - but the harder I tried, the worse it got. My mind began boggling over the idea of Dylan, and seeing him wake up disheveled in his pajamas early in the morning- all I wanted was to be able to see that sight every single day. Again, I still had no idea if my desire was rash, or if it would be reciprocated, but I didn't care- I had to be honest with myself.

I didn't leap into Dylan's arms though- despite longing to. I needed to clear things out with Tyler first. He deserved an apology, and that's what I was going to give him. I couldn't tell Dylan about any of this either- despite our lash out I couldn't tell him what was in the letter. What was I supposed to say?

I made it all up. I'm the bad guy.I left my boyfriend over a misdemeanor. I'm the one who ranted to my closest friends about him being a cheat, without getting the facts straight. I'm the one who ignored his calls. I ran away over a hunch. I moved in with a guy- I know my intentions may have been pure, but so were Tyler's.

This whole situation just made me sound hypocritical. It was enough to make me want to throw up. How could I have been so naive? How could I have made such a baseless move?

There was no point in stressing over that now. I did what I did, and now I had to deal with the consequences of it. At least, with this, I knew now, to never come to a vacuous resolution again. Regardless, I needed to make this right today, and I did just that, as I went to meet Tyler.

As I sat next to him, I noticed his blue eyes that I once found solace in, but now they were coated in distance. His hands that I once longed to hold, now appeared stranger-like. Everything about him that I once cared about, was no longer there. That made me sound cruel and rascal, but that was the way I felt, and I hated that, but it was there- I just didn't love Tyler- at least not in the way I wanted to.