The Risks

March: Chapter 45

Did that even make any sense? Whatever.

"It's okay," he murmured, reaching for me. "Come here."

I pulled my knees up and he snaked an arm under them to draw my legs over his lap. Then he circled both arms around me as I nuzzled my head into the dip just below his shoulder. We stayed like that for a while -long enough for my crying to taper off- before he spoke again.

"Did you want this?"

I leaned back enough to look at his face with narrowed eyes. "I didn't plan this if that's what you're asking."

"No. That's not what I-" He closed his eyes and shook his head, then placed a hand along my jaw and lifted my chin so our gazes could better meet. "I would never accuse you of that. Okay?"

I sniffed and nodded.

"What I meant was, before all this, when the world was still normal... did you ever want this?"

"I honestly never really thought about it," I confessed. "I didn't think it was ever going to be in the cards for me. So I just... never considered it. But now, it happened and I..." My cheeks felt a little warm. "I didn't realize until now how bad I did want it."

He nodded thoughtfully, his brow furrowed slightly.

"Did you ever want this?"

"You know, before my life went to shit, I had everything all planned out." His gaze moved across the room, his hand falling from my face to trail softly down my arm. "I was going to marry Lucy and we were going to start a family. That was the plan. And then, when that all fell apart, I thought... maybe it won't happen for me. Maybe it's not meant to be. And then things really went to hell and I accepted that it definitely wouldn't ever be something I would have. Which hurt, because it's always been something I've wanted."

He looked back down at me, his eyes so full of hesitant joy, overpowered by misery. "Even now. When I probably shouldn't want it. When I know it's-" He broke off suddenly, his face crumbling and his hand raising to cover his eyes. His shoulders shook and I held him closer, feeling tears of my own slip down my cheeks. He dropped his hand and continued, his voice thick and on the edge of breaking. "It's probably not going to end well. I still want this. I want it with you."

He took a steadying sort of breath before looking back down at me, his eyes watery, but filled with determination. "So we're going to do whatever it takes to get the vaccine, and we're going to have this baby. We'll have- we'll have more, if that's something you want. We'll watch them grow and learn and struggle and love, and you are going to be a fucking fantastic mom. I can't wait to see it."

"I want that," I told him, my heart so full of pain I could barely speak. "I want all of that."

He took my face in his hands and kissed me. It was tense and desperate and terribly sad, and I could taste the salt of his tears. And when he pulled away, he rested his forehead against mine and we held on to each other as we cried together. Tears of joy and wavering hope, but also of apprehension and grief and the expectation of immense loss if we couldn't find a way to save our child's life before it began.

...

It was a little after four when Parker woke me up.

"What do you want to do for dinner?" He asked, rubbing his thumb across my knuckles.

"Can we just eat something here?"

"Of course. Why don't I go down to the pantry to get some things together, and you go get cleaned up?"

"Okay," I agreed.

"Here, give me your coat."

I hadn't even realized I'd never taken it off. I turned my back to him and let him help me shrug out of it, grimacing at the soreness the movements elicited. I quietly thanked him, then stood and started toward the other side of the room to gather a clean change of clothes.