The Risks

March: Chapter 45

He stood, turned, walked to the kitchenette table, running both hands through his hair, then sat and placed the test on the table. He rubbed a hand over his jaw and left it there, covering the bottom half of his face. His eyes were distant, his face void of all emotion.

Fuck. I might have broken him.

"Parker?" I whispered as I stood.

But he didn't move. He didn't look at me. I questioned if he was even breathing, he was so still. My feet were moving forward, taking steps toward him without my knowledge. It was killing me. The anticipation. What was going through his head right now?

"Look, I'm sorry," I said, and finally he lowered his hand, his eyes moving to mine, still vacant. "I... I messed up, okay? I should have noticed sooner, I should have checked for an expiration date. It was a stupid mistake and now..." Tears were starting to fill my eyes again, my voice shaking. "I know I fucked up, and I know you're probably mad-"

He stood suddenly, coming toward me, pulling me close to him.

"I'm not mad," he said into my hair, and when a small sob slipped past my lips, he leaned back enough to look into my eyes with nothing but sincerity. "I'm not mad. I promise. I was there with you at the pharmacy. I'm the one who found them and gave them to you. I should have checked. It's not your fault."

I pressed my face against his chest, letting my tears dampen his shirt while he smoothed my hair.

"It's going to be okay."

"No, it's not. It's not going to be okay. You asked me if the dreams were getting worse, and they are. But it's not Emma I see in them, it's our baby. It's our baby that turns. I can't-" I choked on another sob. "I can't go through that. I can't watch our baby die."

"Let's sit down, okay?"

I let him lead me to the couch where we sat down beside each other. He held my hand in his, but he was staring ahead blankly again, so I looked down into my lap, at his fingers intertwined with mine and the silver band on his ring finger.

He'd found it at the jewelry store the same day he'd gone to get mine. I remembered teasing him about it when he'd slipped it on his finger, telling him he'd been too confident in himself. What if I'd said no? Like that was even a possibility. I remembered how happy I'd been in that moment, and how I'd felt that we'd made it through the worst of it, that things could be better, less painful.

Only for us to end up right here.

"What do we do?" I asked.

He shook his head absently. "That's not my decision to make." He turned to look at me. "What do you want to do?"

I shrugged helplessly. "I could try taking a handful of morning after pills. Or maybe Shepard or one of the doctors at the Zone knows how to-"

I'd never had a problem with the idea of abortions. I guess I'd always thought that it was none of my business, and that a woman should do whatever she felt was best for her. And even though that was probably the best and smartest option for me –and for everyone in this situation, honestly- I couldn't make myself finish the sentence. I just went abruptly silent, staring into my lap.

Parker was silent for a long moment, but I was pretty sure he understood where I'd been heading.

"Is that what you want?"

"No," I whispered, my voice breaking as I leaned forward and pressed the heels of my palms against my eyes.

That was not what I wanted. In fact, I never knew I didn't not want it so badly.