Yowzah Oneshot Collection (3)

128(G)

Never let him see the damage.

“RIVER! Don’t do this! Don’t shut me out again!” The Doctor yelled from behind her.

She didn’t reply and quickened her pace, letting the TARDIS take her away, hoping to get lost in the winding halls, hopefully ending up somewhere where she could handle this on her own. But seemingly, for once the TARDIS wasn’t on her side because as she turned the corner she ran straight into The Doctor. As she turned around and tried to escape his grasp, he grabbed her wrist.

“Let me go.” She said quietly, her whole body rigid.

The Doctor slowly drew her closer and wrapped his arms around her, his chin resting on top of her head. And she silently let him, knowing that there was no way she was going to get away with the TARDIS on his side.

“Which one was it this time?” he asked.

When she didn’t reply he sighed, “River we can’t keep doing this, let me in, let me help.”

She stood there, hoping he’d give up eventually, his seemingly endless patience at times was frustrating. After what she calculated to be 10 minutes and 27 seconds it was clear that he wasn’t going to give up so she sighed and relented, turning around and burying her face into his shoulder, lowering her mask, letting herself come unraveled ever so slightly, just for him.

“I was at Luna and Kovarian had come to take me, forcing me into that suit and… and… it's always that one...”

“Shh” he crooned, kissing her forehead, holding her close as tremors shook her body.

After a few moments of silence he spoke, his voice firm; “You can’t hide you know, not completely, not from me. I’ve seen it on your face, the lines under your eyes, you haven’t had a good night’s rest in ages. You think I don’t hear you cry out at night because of the nightmares, feel you tremble as you have repeated panic attacks and night terrors. I don’t do anything because I know you’ll just close up, and it kills me. And yet we go on, ignoring the elephant in the room, putting on our happy faces, pretending that everything is okay. You’re so… so stubborn River, you think you can do it all on your own. You could, you can. But why would you want to? Let me help you. That’s what I’m supposed to do, I’m a Doctor, I help people. More importantly, I’m your husband.”

She looked at him, knowing he was right. He was breaking down the barriers that she’d spent so much time building. She tried to do the only thing she knew best; run. But he was good, he’d spent his fair share running and it didn’t help that he could read her like a picture book. He seemed to know what she was thinking before she did.

“Don’t run. Just this one time, please, let me help. Don’t run away from me. Run… run with me.” He said looking into her eyes, his expression pleading.

The pain in his eyes was like a dagger to her heart. Here he was, practically on his knees begging for her to let him in. And for once, it was enough to break her, toppling her defenses. No barriers, no masks to hide behind.

She surrendered and let him lead her back to their bedroom. This was her, giving in.

He sat her down on their bed and flitted out of the room, returning moments later with a candle and a box of matches.

“What is the candle supposed to do?” she asked uncertainly, wondering what he had planned.

He glanced at her, “You’re not the only one who gets nightmares” he said darkly.

Gone was the baby-faced Doctor that went gallivanting around the universe with the most advanced piece of machinery in the universe like it was all a game. No, this was The Oncoming Storm, The Doctor who could turn whole armies at the mention of his name.

Her husband.

He climbed onto the bed, candle in hand and sat cross-legged, patting the spot across from him, gesturing for her to do the same.

When they were settled across from each other the Doctor grabbed the tray table from when he’d made her breakfast in bed a couple weeks ago, placing it in between them. The TARDIS dimmed the lights automatically until the room was bathed in darkness, neither of them able to see anything in the gloom.

The Doctor struck a match and lit the candle, the warm glow of the candlelight spreading across the room, casting ominous shadows that danced across the walls.

River looked into The Doctor’s dark green eyes, firelight dancing across them.

“River,” he murmured her name like a prayer, voice impossibly gentle, his eyes never leaving hers “give me your hands.”

She did as instructed, and The Doctor twined his fingers with hers, his thumbs lightly stroking her knuckles.

“River I need you to look into the flame. Concentrate on it, let it clear your mind, burn away all of your stray thoughts.”

She gave him a weary look before turning her eyes to the candle. The dance of the singular flame was strangely soothing, and a fragile calm settled over her and she lightly squeezed the doctor’s hands, eyes glued to the fire. Her calm was like a still pool of water. One disturbance and…

“River, open your mind to me.”

River looked up at him and opened her mouth to object but The Doctor silenced her with the soft look in his eyes. Opening her mind to him left her completely open and vulnerable to him. All of the pain he'd caused her, laid out in front of him to see. She swallowed.

“It’s ok. I only want to help you, let me, I want to.”

River nodded and cast her eyes to the flames once more and reached her mind out to his. His presence was warm and waiting for her. When he wrapped his consciousness around hers, she let out a small sigh, closing her eyes for a moment.

What I’m going to ask you to do next is going to be difficult, but you have to trust me. The Doctor said over the bond, no longer needing words to communicate.

With my life.

I need you to… I need you to recall your nightmares, replay them so to speak. Bring them to the forefront of your mind.

He quelled the momentary terror that flooded over her at the thought of willingly reliving her nightmares, tracing Gallifreyan across the backs of her hands and wrapping himself more tightly around her in their mental embrace.

Trust me? Remember? I’ve got you, I’ll always come when you call and I’ll always catch you when you fall. But first you have to let me.

She took a deep breath and pulled up the nightmare that had been plaguing her dreams, Kovarian’s wretched singing making her tremble.

The dream went by as it always did The Silence, the soldiers. They were about to grab her when The Doctor burst through the door bringing fire in his wake. The fire burned them all, the soldiers, the Silence, Kovarian. All of them, turned into ashes, just like that. And there was the Doctor, holding her in a fierce embrace in the aftermath of it all.

When the vision cleared up, River found that the candle and tray had been moved and she was slumped forward into The Doctor’s arms, hands clenched in his shirt.

Sleep now my dearest, dearest River. I’ll be here when you wake.

She felt The Doctor lean them back onto the pillows and drape the blankets over them.

Doctor?

Yes, dear?

I’m sorry… for… all of this. I just-

Hush now, there is nothing to be sorry for. Remember? You are forgiven. Always and completely forgiven. And who am I to not forgive Mrs. Robinson?

She hit him lightly on the chest, sleep already beginning claiming her thoughts.

Only if you’re my Benjamin, sweetie.

The Doctor laughed aloud, pulling her closer to him.

Love you…

And I you, always and forever, my precious Melody Pond.