Yowzah Oneshot Collection (3)

51(G)

i'll explore the constellations until i find the cause i'm mean to hold

                    rorywilliaws

I am a coward, have been and always will be. Sitting here, in my cold and empty ship because you are not around to hold my hand and mend my hearts, I can feel nothing but numb sadness and perforating regret.

I’ve never told you what I truly felt, and now it’s too late, you’re dead and gone. But I loved you River, I swear I did. I do. This love sits in my mind and my hearts, heavy and breathtaking, strong and unbearable. I failed with you, my love, letting you go without knowing it.

But I was weak. When I started falling in love with you, it was all too sudden and scary; I didn’t know what to do. The last time it had happened… It hasn’t turned out well. I’ve told you about her, how Rose helped me out my misery and self-hatred, and how she got stuck in an another universe, with a version of me who wasn’t exactly me. And I was left in this universe, alone, with a broken heart which took too long to fix up.

When I first met you, I admit, I was still lost and broken by this love. The second time, I was finally a new and whole man, and I was convinced that I wouldn’t let it happen with me again. Amelia was a lovely girl, but I didn’t feel like that about her, and she had a fiancée. I would be safe.

How wrong I was. You were too perfect to me, too bespoke. It’s not about the answers, but the right questions. After a long time without being around someone who could thought like me, and see things like I do (including see time like I do), meeting you was like meeting a long lost friend, a haven. We were, we are, the perfect partners in action.

Slowly and yet too fast, I was looking forward to each time I would bump into you and your sharp tongue, wild curls, and easy smile. I was eager for the next time I would wrap my hand around your soft one, and we would run together.

And so I did. Scary and weak, I run away from you. I wasn’t supposed to feel like this again; I knew the results if I made this choice. And worse, I had seen you die already, and more than known that you someday would die, I knew where, when, how and why you would die. You would die to me survive, and, eventually, I would be alone again.

I chose loneliness from the beginning because, this way, I wouldn’t have to mourn you death more than I had back then. I was cruel and cold and heartless. You, although hurt, didn’t let it stop you.

I fought against the feeling for too long, slipping every once in a while: you were always too much for me. I thought flirting a little would be alright, just fun, but your eyes were full of love and affection. I stepped away.

Then… Well, then. I finally found out how amazing and utterly incredible you are, how meant to be we are. Melody Pond, you are a piece of heaven, the expression of one of the most strong unwavering love I’ve ever seen, and you are mine. Carrying the baby Melody in my arms and seeing what she would become… It was when I noticed that loving you wasn’t a choice to be made: I couldn’t avoid it, you were already sealed in my hearts.

It didn’t matter that you tried to kill me in the next time: I was too in love to care.