Strings

Bad Idea

STEF POV 

Right now it seemed I was on this life long journey or discovery and a path of healing. Even if I had healed, so I thought, from many of the demons in my life it seemed there were two things that really held me back. Sharon's death, and never knowing where I came from.  Part of me thought I was ok with not knowing where I came from considering it seemed my birth family left nothing behind, and didn't even bother to name me. Feeling like that was something I'd never know or find out was something I had accepted. Well, so I thought until the bombshell was dropped on me and Mike.

Since finding out that we were in fact siblings Mike and I talked a bit about it. Not all the time but considering we were partners, played in the band together and were friends it came up often. It didn't bother me, not really, for if I did have to have a brother I was happy it was him.

But, now that I look back he always felt different to me and was always understanding and just somehow always took on the protective roll. Never once did he hit on me, thank god, but he just always seemed to genuinely care. Which made it easy to talk to him and for us to be close friends and I was grateful to him for everything and for our friendship.

Mike admitted he struggled big time growing up with his father, who was mine as well, and seeing the damage he did to Gina. But he also grew up saddened that he never had a sister, one he had hoped to have. HE did admit if he did have one he would have to protect her from his Dad considering how violent he was. But he was also grateful that he didn't end up like him either. It was the main reason Mike said he become a cop so he could put violent men behind bars. Violent men like our father.  

That didn't really set well with me knowing that my birth father wasn't a good man. It made me concerned and the fact that he was alcoholic as well. I guess it made me realize where I possibly got my addiction gene from and my bad temper as well as Callie.  But what was I to really do with all this information? That was something I just wasn't sure about and maybe I never would be.

Sitting in my car I was now outside Mike's apartment for I knew Gina was staying with him for a few days. She had been for some time and Mike had mentioned it to me in passing that when I was ready to let him know.  But I didn't know if I was really ready. I had no idea and I didn't know what I would say to her if anything at all.

 It was true I probably did resemble Gina more then I realized and I had so many questions for her. No matter how hard this was,  Lena was right. She really was for when I found Callie I just wanted her to listen to me. To hear me out about what happened and to just listen.  And that is most likely what Gina wants.  But if I'm honest it's not easy and very difficult and I knew I needed to face this. Big time.

Letting out a sigh I exit my jeep and walk inside Mikes building feeling my stomach begin to turn for I didn't know how this was going to go at all. I just didn't as I was feeling even more sick to my stomach. Ringing the bell I wait a few minutes and start to walk off figuring they aren't home thank goodness until I hear the door open behind me.

"Stef?" I hear and turning around I see Gina in the doorway as I look at the ground and back at her feeling so awkward as I just want to leave feeling like maybe this was a bad idea. "Would you like to come in?"

"Um, I was gonna drop something off for Mike but I'll come back another time." I say getting ready to leave as her face softens and she walks toward me.

"Please, I would really like it if you stayed. Even for ten minutes. That's all. If you haven't eaten already I just finished making chilli. You are welcome to have some or take it home for you and Callie."

I look back into her eyes which are the same color as mine and nod my head remembering what I just wanted from Callie in the beginning. Understanding and it was hard.

"Just five minutes Stef. That's all." 

Her face softens even more as I hesitantly nod my head and follow her into the apartment.

"So Mike stepped out for a few minutes. If you want to wait for him you are welcome. And I can get you some food to go if you like?"

"Yeah, um, I don't know if this is such a good idea. I think I'll just go." I say panicking and turning back around to go.

"Stef, please. We don't need to talk abotu anything. We do not." Her voice is soft and calm as I feel the irration in my body adn turn to look at her.

"You think I can jsut sit in room with you and not talk about it. Or feel the elephant. I can't do that. That's not me."

"I understand that. I do. But, you are right, we can't sit here and not talk about it. I owe you an explanation. I owe you more then that. And I am so sorry for the difficult life you had."

"I don't need pity. I'm fine." I snap as she nods her head at me and I think back to Callie letting out a sigh. "Look, I'm not trying to come off as  hard ass. I'm not. But this is, this threw me for a loop ok? I'm just at a point where my life is ok.  Where my life is fine and I accepted things. This just...

"Makes it messy." She says as I look straight into her soft hazel eyes. 

"It's a mind fuck ok? Like you had no idea where I was? Not one clue at all? Oh right I forgot you didn't bother to name me. You just left and dumped me. How could you know." I know I'm being mean I know it as she nods her head at me appearing speechless as  I shake my head.

"I deserve that. I do. And you have every right to be angry with me. Every single right. Because I wasn't strong enough for you at the time. I wasn't strong enough for your brother. I should have left and taken you and Micheal with me. That's what I should have done. And I live with the fact that I didn't, everyday. Especially seeing how hard your life was."

"So had my life not been hard you wouldn't feel bad?"

"No, I still would have. I just meant...

"So it was easier to tell Mike that I died. That was easier?"

"No, it wasn't. And there is no excuse Stef. There isn't, I just, listen I do not expect you to forgive me. I do not. But I thought someone would adopt you and that you would have a wonderful life.  I didn't want you father to hurt you. And he would have."

"That's funny, you know how many men hurt me?" I push in her face as I see tears form in her eyes and I sigh.

"I don't know Stefanie but even one is too much. And I am so sorry honey. I really am and when I finally did leave I wanted to look for you. I did and...

"And can you just stop. Please. Look, just tell Mike I'll see him at work. I can't. I can't talk to you. Just stay out of my life." I turn around opening the door and quickly heading to my car as I feel every tear fall from my eyes. Tears of anger, pain, hurt sadness and confusion.