Strings

Movie Night Part 1

"I need a cigarette and vodka." Stef whispered and joked to Lena as they ordered the pizza and allowed the girls to pick a movie in the living room. So far the day and night had been extremely challenging for Callie would not let Mariana out of her site. Yes, it was true the young Latin girl missed her sister terribly but she had a hard time understanding why she was so angry at both Lena and Stef. The two women had been very kind to her and Lena had always treated her well. But she knew it was from the other homes the girls had been in where they were horribly mistreated and Mariana remembered that many of the foster parents had been nice in the beginning and quickly changed to being anything but that. However, Lena had reassured her over and over that she would never mistreat her, that she would love her, and that she would always take care of her. To her even as young as she was it seemed to be a promise she was keeping. Sure she didn't know Stef very well but for some reason she liked her even if she found her a little scary at times she could still feel that there was something very warm and loving about her. In her mind she realized the blonde reminded her of Callie.

"I don't know if that would help much baby." Lena whispered as she gently kissed the cops cheek. "At least we got them here without too much of a struggle."

"I know." She said getting the plates and cups ready for the pizza which would arrive shortly. "I'm wondering how getting her to therapy will play out." She chuckled as she turned her head a bit to see both girls on the couch.

"Well I'm sure it won't be 100 percent easy but it's a start honey."

"I know. I just, I want to try to talk to her again. I mean no matter what I need to keep telling her over and over what happened. Not what she thinks happened and not what some foster parents or the bullshit system told her . Honestly, I don't even want to think about what bullshit they filled her head with about me Lena. Bad enough she thinks I'm some junkie whore."

"Junkie whore?" Lena asked in surprise as she chopped up some cold vegetables for their movie appetizers.

"Yup. She called me that a few times already." Stef admitted shaking her head as Lena let out a sigh. "Can't say that didn't hurt. Sure I fucked up many times but when your kid calls you a junkie whore it hurts like a bitch." Feeling her sadness Lena grabbed the cops hand and gently graced her face with her finger softly.

"Stef, you know that's not who you are and one day she will believe you. Honest. You are a good person, you are doing right by her, have always tried to do right by her and you love her. No one in this world loves her like you and there is no doubt in anyone's mind that you are mama. Ever April Carol feels that way and she loved Callie. Baby, one day she will listen to you and she will come to see that herself. " Gently she grabbed the blonde's hand and squeezed it as Stef herself moved in closer to the slim woman tears forming in her eyes. It was hard for Lena to see the pain that filled her girlfriend as she cupped her cheek now seeing her walls begin to crumble. "You don't have to be strong for me in fact you never have to be strong for me. You can break Stef and you have been holding everything together since the time you were born. Maybe that little girl in their needs to see that. Needs to see that she doesn't need to be strong anymore, or the adult anymore because she is doing exactly what you do. She thinks she needs to be strong so she won't get hurt, and so that Mariana won't get hurt."

"I know I can see it. I can see it written all over her and I understand it so much that it hurts. Lena, I love that little girl so much and when I look at her I still see that little four year old that would run to me and hug me a million times. I still see that little smile she had and I still hear her little laugh. How can I not be angry at myself and how can I expect her not to hate me. Am I stupid? I was supposed to prevent this from happening to her. Me. Her mama and I let her get hurt. I let her get hurt and I am the cause of her pain, her anger because I was a fuck up. Because I couldn't get my shit together. I would hate me too. I would hate every bone in my body."